I got up today after listening to a discussion on radio 4 (England) about the thinking of Soren Kierkegaard. Very interested I was and not bored. This puts me in the bottom level of existence according to my impression of his thought as an ‘aesthetic’ meaning a seeker of pleasure. Stages following this are Ethicist then Religious. Do I care? No I don’t, not today.

I was now in my armchair in the living room. Something felt wrong. I didn’t want to do what I had planned to do. Then I had a feeling that I imagined to be my self as vapour evaporated onto the six sides of a steel box inside. I imagined myself morphing through higher and higher vibrations through radio wave, microwave then into pure spirit then I passed through the box rapidly and onwards through space. I saw the box disappear then the earth successively disappear as they morphed in perspective from the size of a pinprick then very much less then nothing.

Still traveling through space I knew where I wanted to go but couldn’t describe it. In fact I saw conceptualization as a burden and decided to reject it as far as I could. I heard words that said various things but I said ‘no you are just a memory’ and rejected them. I arrived before a great white but not blinding light. I saw the ghosts of human shape, I rejected them. I was there for a few seconds but long enough to feel the heat and possession of the great white. Nothing was said to me. Then I felt a pull though not in words that said to me “You must go back, you have more to do on earth”. I willingly let myself return.

I opened my eyes so that I could see to pick up the cup of tea that I had made a little while ago. I did so and noticed that its form was vivid in my sight, as did everything else in the room as I looked around. They were not like this when I first sat in the armchair.

After prayers and bible reading I had to go and lay down to sleep. When I woke up I was so disinterested in everything. I felt nothing. I did not want anything. I wondered if I was depressed. I didn’t care if I lived or died. My only desire was for chocolate biscuits and more tea. I satisfied these with half a packet and two cups.

I didn’t want to be in this state so I decided to interrogate this beast to see if it would release its clutches upon me.

What do you mean by “I don’t care if I live or die…there is no point to life or death. There is no choice because there is nothing to chose. I am an inanimate object like a cabbage”?

I feel so sluggish.

I am a living being engendered with the breath of life. I am alive. I am the offspring of the great white light, that’s why I felt so at home there in its dwelling place, not in space but in my heart. I must visit this place more often because it tells me without words that I have a purpose for being here, to shed the light of the great white.

What a wonderful place it would be here if we all realized this. How much more value we would place on one another?

I am not at this moment ‘working’ in the sense that other people do talk about the word. Some notable ghost of the past said that you must work all you can to prove that God has his favour upon you by the prosperity that you get from doing so. I think that this isn’t a pure representation of the truth. There still exist huge differences in the society I live in between how much one person earns in relation to another. Some are very comfortably well off while others live in a constant state of anxiety about how to afford the necessities of life for sustenance of body and for health of various kinds…I will not write any more about this because it is the essay within me that winds me up to the point of I don’t know what! But the last thing I will say here on the matter is that in my view this state of society is definitely not what God wants. I have heard a sociologist try to justify Christianities apparent disinterested attitude to inequality in society by quoting the words of Jesus ‘You will always have the poor with you’. But I challenged him, telling him that he had taken Jesus’ words out of context. I felt shocked and enraged at him doing this and told him (the sociologist) that he needs to understand the whole context of the passage to get any sense of what Jesus was really saying. As he’s an academic I was surprised that he didn’t apply his ability to what he was teaching then.

Jesus’ attitude to inequality reflected by what He said about giving people what they need, basically says that givers (ironing out inequality) will know eternal spiritual joy and withholders will not. Another reference in scripture says to me about a selfish person, that you had your comfort on earth and this person you deprived is with me in sweet harmony now, while you now taste the torment of your misguided actions on earth towards people such as he that were in poverty then.

In my view, if we all made an effort to hear, listen, receive, understand and do what Jesus says there would not be inequalities of any sort in society. As a result, society would be a very much happier place to be for all than it is now.

I help my fiancée who has physical disabilities to get around from one place to another safely. I am also there for her as much as possible to see to her needs during and after the times that she has an epileptic fit. When we are married I will be able to help her, as and when necessary more as we will be living together as husband and wife and not in separate homes. Her exploratory brain surgery soon and possible later corrective surgery may or may not present and provide a cure.

I am working on clarifying my future in relation to what sorts of work and service etc. I could do effectively, planning to gradually return to this kind of activity after years of ill ‘mental health’. That’s another essay I won’t start here, gurrrr!

I do experience a general level of anxiety and depression and I have just realized certain things about my childhood experiences that will help me target help to move on past a habitual state of being a kind of cabbage in relation to receiving and expressing feelings. I am thankful that psychotherapeutic exercises (like these here) help me to realize what I am as a human being and my faith in God and disciplines of spirit help me be open to moving/move purposefully towards the light of God in Jesus Christ here on earth, hopefully shedding light on those who know and meet me in the process of doing so. Merciful Jesus, have mercy.

I want to move towards being more fully alive by learning how to receive and express my feelings. I have a series of group therapy appointments to do in a month or two. I feel hopeful that these will help, thank God!

I don’t want to be addicted to tea and biscuits to give me a sense of feeling good. I believe that the therapy and Celebrate recovery (web addresses under my profile soon (if not already)) practices in God will help me through this.


What if I don’t get what I want or do get what I don’t want?

The worst that could happen me is that I remain a bit of a cabbage in the feelings department.

Good things could occur though, because if I stay as I am I might make contact with people who have similar problems to me, then I could work towards helping them see that they are valuable to God as I am, can contribute well to the good of society as I do, and that even with our problems we do have purposes in life worth pursuing.

Please join in prayer with me:

LORD God, please shed your light upon our minds, fill our hearts with your love, and give energy to our bodies, so that we may do your will for our lives. Amen.

LORD God, please give your peace to our minds, fill our hearts with your love, and charge our bodies with compassion towards ourselves, towards all others of our household, towards every one we meet and towards anyone with which we have anything to do with in this life. Amen.

If you have any questions, please would you set them as posts at thoughts.com so that we may all learn from one another’s experience of life by the question and comments. If you do this please note the title in the comments at the end of this piece so that I can learn from your post…

It’s good to share thoughts and feelings etc, I don’t feel like an inanimate object at this moment of writing I believe because of doing so.

Whatever your response and feelings towards what I have written here I pray that God will bless you deeply in Jesus Christ. Amen.