I was at Caroline’s with Gary at about 8pm yesterday. Gary said the job centre were now cutting a person’s job seekers allowance (JSA) by 50% to ~£27/wk if they did not take either a training option or voluntary work for 5 days/week for 6 months…

I’m worried about Gary. He’s in receipt of JSA and recently had two accidents. With one he narrowly escaped being killed by a car as he stepped out into the road unaware of its coming. I think that this was because of his stress under government pressure and because he’s not eating properly in order to keep up with household bills…

Although the government’s new policy is not relevant to me at this time, I thought: I’m not able to do this, i.e. to get to a place for 9am and spend 7hours there 5days per week for 6 months. And I don’t want to spend so much time on these things.

At the time I felt my brain lock tight with tension.

This I recognized as a symptom of the onset of a mental breakdown…but I was fortunate this time, it was just a warning signal…

Then I had negative thoughts and sought the root meaning…I’m a baby, not able to look after myself. I will die, and then I will get peace, free from the dictatorship of the government.

If I am forced into doing something that I do not want to do I become helpless which leads to my death and therefore freedom from being controlled.

I would rather die than be forced into doing something that I do not want to do…

Is this true?

The professional oath of doctors is for the preservation of life. This suggests that there is more value in being alive than dead from a doctors point of view. If all people thought this then we would not have suicide bombers and associated suffering of many that their actions cause. Law and order keeping would be more humane as there would be no justification for war or for taking the life of people convicted of criminal acts. Horrific criminal acts such as genocide would not happen. “All people”, in this respect, in the words of world peace martyr John Lennon “would be of one religion”.

But I stand convicted at this moment because next to my suicidal thinking is the thought that this, if carried out, would give the example to others that inhumane treatment of a human being is right. I sigh now, I think, with relief. Is it Buddhism that says ‘all life is sacred’?

We know of an oriental cultural norm which guides a person when captured by their enemy to take cyanide, death results. This, it seems to me, is to prevent a cultures invasion and subversion, to keep the culture pure in its original form. Cultural identity, there it seems, is more important than an individuals life.

If all societies behaved in this way, tradition would be maintained at the expense of colorful diversity, inspiration, change for the good. Cultures would not learn from one another because there would be no communication exchanged. The human race would be divided in all ways. Sadly, brothers and sisters (by their common humanity) across land, air and sea, would not have relationships with one another.

I feel that the effect of this division is too painful, deep and so defies explanation, unless we just accept the pain as the explanation. Anyone who has experienced the pain of separation from loved ones would know what I mean.

In fact, through two divorces I have experienced the pain…of separation from my three children of the marriages. But I have also experienced the joy found through persevering through pain to keep relationships going though the pain tempted me to do otherwise. The interpretations of such pain in these cases are counter to the usual, i.e. that it is an indication that something is wrong. On the contrary it indicates that something is right! Love can hurt. Not loving is easy – I think that it is an example of the narrow way that leads to life compared with the broad that leads to death. This is normally applied to the teaching of service. In this case it is in the service of Love. “As you did it to the least of these my brethren, so you did it to me”, Jesus said.

Tina Turner’s song “what’s love got to do with it...who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?” comes into mind now. I wonder why?!!!

…I denied the fact that I was mentally ill for years and kept applying for jobs (I was unemployed) while my state got progressively worse. Finally, after a mental breakdown I had to turn away from the fear that I would be left without an income and to applying for sickness benefit, then accepting the stigma attached, then benefiting from the professional psychological help. I have found other helps since doing this including a Christian 12 step life recovery program (please see my profile for contact details). With all this I believe that I am on the path of recovery that I need. The ‘dieing’ that was needed here in order to reach a healing stream was to give up the ego identity defense shield manifested by my thinking that ‘I am ok, there’s nothing wrong, I can cope…’etc (Denial). The truth was and is that I need God, and I need His healing in whatever form this must take.

…I want to be me with no strings attached.

I don’t want to be forced into doing things that I do not want to do.

The worst thing that could happen to me is that I am forced into doing things that I do not want to do and am manipulated like a puppet…

However, I think that this writing exercise has sowed a seed in me of the value of striving for resilience in the face of dehumanizing influences. Just because someone treats me badly it does not mean that I am bad and so terminating my life myself is not an option.

The message I need to reflect is that life is worth living and that no evil can mar the indelible image of God that is in me.

Good things might happen even in the face of not getting what I want or of getting what I do not want… I believe the principle, but what is needed in practice here? ...A rest from mental activity could be refreshing! I know this from the past and will practice this in the future. I know also that certain kinds of work can provide for this…Noted.

I could work towards meeting the needs of the situation…

I trust you Lord God to remove all influences against me doing what you want me to do or to help me release things that you do not want me to hold. Amen.

My part is to consider the following and to let myself be guided by God into doing what He wants me to do.

Lord God, please heal, guide and protect us. Amen.

I need to not drink from the poison cup of cultural ideologies.

I need to meditate upon: Thank you Father for the Word made flesh, Alleluia. I belong here in you Lord Jesus Christ. I am here to do what you want me to do, Alleluia. I love your peaceful Spirit, thank you, Alleluia, Amen.

Balance inward convictions of faith and practical need with outward action and or speech. Meditate on Psalm 1.

I believe that ‘the law’ spoken about in psalm 1 is reinterpreted to as spoken by Jesus, the laws of love, my paraphrase here:

Love the Lord your God, with all that you are, with all of your spirit, intellect, emotions and in all that you do.

Love those you meet and know in the same way that you love yourself.

Whatever God does for you, keep giving this in some way to others…

Jesus Christ is God’s Love for us.

Nothing can separate us from this Love.

His Spirit is near us everywhere.

He is not bound by space and time or anything else.

I wonder how you respond to the presence of true love.

His Spirit is very near you….

…..closer than a fraction of an atom.