Dear people,
F and I were with R and T (F’s parents) in their home. Amongst other things, R said fairly loudly to F “...Neither you or P work...” reminding me of what I heard in a sermon once about a note in the margin of a preachers script. It said ‘weak argument, shout!’. Just to fill in a little context, I believe that R is worrying that he will some day have to bail us out financially. Fair enough that wouldn't be fair. But I have a post traumatic stress disorder (P.T.S.D) related to work and so his words, near on shouted, triggered some considerable anxiety in me and I am unable to speak at times like this, so I said nothing.
In my minds eye now I see us backed into a corner and I feel slandered as if mud has been thrown on our faces.
Pointed towards me a thought came into mind “I hate you” and momentarily I feel like defending myself and F. But this is not a court of law and R is not our judge, so I don’t. Then other thoughts came into mind: R thinks he’s better than us both put together. To him and T people are valuable only if they work. To them F and I are rubbish. We might as well both be thrown away. We might as well be dead…Kill yourself.
Looks like a bit of a sensational novel so far! Please read on...
Now, I will explore the validity of “As I do not have paid employment, must I then kill myself?”
The idea contains an irrational belief that ‘your worth as a person depends on how much you achieve and produce. A more rational assessment of your real worth would depend on such things as your capacity to be fully alive, feeling everything it means to be fully human.’
Jesus was fully alive and felt everything it means to be fully human, and His focus was not upon money making to provide for his physical needs, others provided for this. His focus was upon bringing in the kingdom of God. He taught us “seek first the kingdom of God and all else will be given to you as well.” I choose to listen to Jesus. He is my LORD and judge and not anyone else, including even myself, ultimately.
My rational thinking ability might be hindered by an irrational belief that ‘It is an absolute necessity for an adult to have love and approval from peers, family and friends…[But] even those who like and approve of you will be turned off by some behaviours and qualities. This irrational belief is probably the single greatest cause of unhappiness…But, in fact pleasing all the people in your life is impossible’, so it is realistic to expect some in your life will disapprove of you, at least sometimes. Yet another irrational belief is that ‘when people disapprove of you, it invariably means you are wrong or bad. This extremely crippling belief sparks chronic anxiety in most interpersonal situations. The irrationality is contained in the generalization of one specific feature to a total indictment of self ’. This, in other words, is prejudice. However, as it is my feelings that caused me trouble when I heard R’s words and ‘we feel the way we think’ I have to conclude that I am prejudiced towards myself for not having paid work. No wonder, then, that Jesus said “first take the plank from your own eye then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your neighbours eye”!
Yet, “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” and so if God does not condemn me for not having paid work because of Jesus' work on the cross, I need to forgive myself for my self condemnation (let go of my self hatred) as it is not in accord with God’s assessment of me. I believe in Jesus. “God looks on Him [nailed to the cross] and pardons me” says a worship song.
Saint Paul has said “if a man doesn’t work, let him not eat” and not as my thoughts suggested “As I do not have paid employment, then I must kill myself”.
R and T do provide meals for F and I sometimes, so they are not taking St. Paul’s words literally and out of context, and certainly do not, it is evident, intend to kill me for not having paid work! I think that the Spirit of Jesus is whispering in their inner ears “As you did it to the least of these my brethren, so you did it for me.”
In the past I have been threatened with a benefit cut by P A of the job-centre if I did not look for paid work, though the fact is that I was seeking work at the time. A benefit cut would have only have made it difficult to buy as much food as I was used to. It would not have killed me.
I need to remember that as a human being I am fallible and that I have had a mental breakdown and that I am in the process of recovery. I therefore need to not be hard on myself for not having paid work, but to trust God to heal me in His good time, and to lead me into pastures new when He sees fit. I know that I am gradually being healed and just as the cow is fed for giving the gift of milk to the farmer, so I will be fed for giving what I am here to give.
...The worst that could happen is that I would have to stop going to R and T’s, I don’t want to do this because it would upset F and I wonder if this might cause us to feel emotionally separated from each other. But, good things might occur, by my not going to R and T’s, as this could be temporary and I could use the time to do rational and realistic thinking exercises to work towards making me able to be with R and T without the risk of being extremely emotionally disturbed through doing so by my P.T.S.D. .
I am thinking now about things that could be done to help improve matters further. I could work towards meeting spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and activity needs in the situation.
Spiritually, I could pray: LORD God, thank you for helping me to write an appropriate prayer to meditate upon here (noted below further on here).
Intellectually, I could: continue to do these rational and realistic thinking exercises because I am getting increasingly more apt at doing them the more I do and they are beneficial to myself and others.
In terms of activity, I could balance my inward conviction of faith with outward action and or speech by: continuing to write answers to the questions: what, in the LORD God, could I do today in terms of caring, sharing, defending, serving, working, ministering and building, in my diary and to do what I can of these activities during the day.
LORD God, I trust you to remove the influences stopping me doing what you want me to do. My part spiritually is to meditate on the following prayers:
LORD God, I believe that Jesus during His time on earth, was fully alive and felt everything it meant to be fully human. His focus was not upon money making to provide for his needs, others provided for these out of their own resources because they valued what He was here to give. His focus was on bringing in the kingdom of God. Correspondingly, He taught us “seek first the kingdom of God and all else will be given to you as well.” I choose to listen to Jesus and do as He says to do. He is my LORD and judge and not anyone else, now, in the future and after my death. LORD God, help and guide me as you will. Amen.
The LORD Jesus Christ respects me for who I am and what I do because He, the Father and the Holy Spirit made me, saved my soul and gives me life.
LORD God, I offer all that I am and all that I do to you for your blessing, transformation and consecration to your purposes. Amen.
Years ago you may have heard of a British member of parliaments words “Get on your bike and get a job”. The reasons for my breakdown were complex but a heavy influence was the pressure to find and do work that I, either or both, didn’t want to do or was not able to do. Please don’t let this happen to you. So I say: “get off your bike, be calm and seek God your Creator. Ask Him: who am I? what am I? and what is the specific purpose of my life here? Then wait. He will answer in His own time though not necessarily, by content with or in ways that, you expect. His answers will bless your life from there onwards as long as you keep praying and being open to receive His communications with you...Lastly, just to say that I find that the gate to God’s presence is unlocked by knocking with the word “Jesus” and that perseverance in knocking on that gate is repaid well, though imperceptibly at first, in God’s time.
God bless you.
P.S. Quotes in single inverted commas ’ ’ are from therapy handouts unless it is some-one speaking and these are between “ “ as are the biblical quotes (from memory).
P.P.S. you can look up words/phrases, topic, verse to read from a selection of bible translations by going to BibleGateway.com and you can select a recorded audio reading if you would prefer.
