I have been frustrated for the last couple of weeks.. I recently found out that I might have lymphoma and since then I have been going stir crazy.I just feel like I need somewhere that I can go and write and vent out all my problems. I just need to write everything out that has been bothering me.. from me being sick, to my break up with my fiance Ben.. I am only 18 years old and to be faced with something that severe such as cancer.. Is just not what I planned on dealing with especially with an upcoming new year. I am also going crazy due to the fact that I am not working right now. I didn't think I would miss working as much as I do. Work kept me busy and kept my mind off everything that has happened between Ben and I. Coming back home to California and staying at my mothers house has brought back so many feelings that I thought I had put in the past. I just felt so overwhelmed the first couple of days back.. The fact that I came down here to get answers and basically I just get the run around from doctor to doctor. I haven't gotten any better since I first went to the doctor in November and it's exhuasting! I still have this lump on the side of my neck that bothers me just by touching it. It's the weirdest feeling touching something that could change your life forever. Not knowing what it is just creeps me out all together. The one thing I have gained from this lump is my relationship with my ex fiance. I don't know if its the thought of losing me forever to something such as cancer or maybe he really did miss me after all these months (we broke up in late Aug). Whatever it is I am glad that things between us are finally starting to pick up again. Its been really nice talking to him again and well getting back together ( we started going back out yesterday..) To sum it all up Ben is in the Army and is deployed to Afghanistan ( he left Jan of 2007 ). Things pretty much have been complicated since he left, I never dreamed I would fall in love with someone who had to go away for over a year. Things were going great up until I moved to Nevada from Tennessee. We even have a puppy together, It was my engagement gift that he got me in May and also it was supposed to be my incentive to stay in Tennessee. I guess my failure lead to our failure as a couple. I am just glad we were able to work everything out, still things are perfect but in time I know we can get to where we were before things hit the fan. I hope some day we will get married and have kids like we talked about before. I don't want to rush anything though.. Ben will be back in March/April of 2008.. I know it seems like forever but after waiting almost a year already.. I can wait a few more months. I just hope everything turns out alright with my health. I don't wanna lose my long hair! I've done enough venting for tonight.. Goodnite.