Every process has its mechanism or mechanisms by which a result is achieved. I have always been fascinated by the way that actions, or even ideas, can be broken down and understood better if you conceptualise the mechanisms.
I hope that I haven't lost you already. I think an example would be a good idea. Take 'evolution'; evolution is a theory that change occurs. It is a process of change. It has a mechanism which is 'natural selection' or 'survival of the fittest'. Here is another example: making a ham sandwich. The process is the creation of the sandwich so it can be eaten but it has many mechanisms. You need to fetch the parts from the refrigerator, slice the ham, wash the lettuce, put butter on the bread and so on until the process is complete and you have a sandwich that is properly constructed.
Even writing this short essay is a process. I already know what I want to produce but, before I can finish it, I need to make a list of my ideas, organise them, expand on them and, finally, type them on my Toshiba Satellite (model L300) laptop using proper English so that everyone can understand it.
I am always making lists. I would make lists from morning to night if I didn't stop myself. I have a Sony Clié PDA (model T665C) that I fill with lists. I also carry a tiny, blue notebook (5 by 4.5 inches) and a red pen with me just in case the battery on the PDA dies on me. Now I need to make a list of the batteries to re-charge.
My psychiatrist says that all of this thought process is just a symptom of my condition. She calls that part of it 'Maniacal Compulsive Dysfunction' and usually increases my medication. Her name is Mary Watson. She is 3 years, 8 months and 17 days younger than I am. I tell her I am taking my medication but I am not. She says that my triscadecaphobia is also a part of it; that is the fear of the number that comes after 12. She says that 'compulsive disorders' are common in people that are highly intelligent and I can't disagree with her that I am that.
I had a girlfriend but she left me. She said, 'I can't take this anymore - you are going to make me as insane as you are'. Then she left and I made a list of the exact words she used. My psychiatrist, Mary Watson, says that I am not clinically insane because I am fully cognizant of the repercussions of my actions but that, without proper cure and medication, I may become a risk to myself or others and need to be institutionalised. That is usually when I tell her I am taking my medication faithfully. She smiles at me and compliments me for my diligence.
I want my girlfriend to be dead.
Death is a process; it is the process by which a vital organism ceases to function integrally and becomes, simply, a decaying body of organic material. That is why, on a 'Death Certificate', they list the 'cause' of death, for example, 'exsanguination via the superior vena cava', which is not compatible with life, as well as, the 'manner' of death, for example, 'multiple (27) stab wounds to the neck and thorax'. The manner of death is the mechanism or mechanisms that brought on the cause of death or the cessation of life.
I want her death to be the worst possible.
I started to make a list which I am going to share with you. I have not finished it yet, so I hope you will not hate me for that. I need to make a list of the reasons you hate me. I have used letters to itemize it so that I don't have to use the number that is the sum of 6 plus 7.
Ways for my girlfriend to die.
A) Garden shears.
B) Other garden implements. Lawnmower?
C) Push from Subway Platform. Which subway station?
D) Electrocution. No way to get her to climb a high-tension tower.
E) Baseball Bat. Unwieldy.
F) Other Sports Equipment. I don't like sports.
G) Meat Cleaver. Messy. I don't like messes because then I have to clean up.
H) Other kitchen implements. I don't have many and a fork is no good.
I) Gun. I don't have one and I don't like loud noises.
J) Starvation. I can't ask her just not to eat.
K) Isolation. There are too many people around.
L) Fire. I burned my hand once so I'm afraid of fire.
N) Cannibalisation. I'm not that hungry.
O) Other.
I'm sorry. I couldn't use that letter either.
Even writing the list is a series of mechanisms in the process of greater understanding and, in doing this, I started to think about evolution again.
Evolution is a process which is contingent upon time. Maybe that is the way to proceed. I will make her life contingent upon time.
Time is the eternal process; the semi-collapsed dimension in which we exist but, in it's current state, allows movement only in one direction – forward. I will let time be her sentence.
I will be it's witness.
Time makes itself felt: it brings pain, degradation and corruption, loss and the fear of loss, disease and, in the end, death. Time leads inexorably to death. The slow process with its concomitant mechanisms will be her sentence; an evolution into dissolution.
I will watch and make the list.
thanks for visiting.
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