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I don't like feeling this way.
It is the feeling of being disconnected from everything. That bothers me. I know that I should enjoy some things and dislike other things. At this time of year, I know that I should love the warm air, the sight of children playing in the park, the sound of birds chirping and flitting about in the trees and the first signs of new, bright green leaves on the trees. None of it affects me when I am like this. It is like some switch, like a light switch on a wall, has been turned off. Then I do not feel the things that I should feel. Feeling nothing is a torture to me because I love to experience the world around me.
That is when the people come around that try to make me feel things. They taunt me and tease me. They call me names and throw things in my apartment so that the neighbours complain. They shout and scream. They try to hurt me until I feel something and sometimes it works. Once I feel something then I feel better
My doctor calls it 'dissociative schitzophrenia'. What that means, he explained very carefully to me, is that sometimes I am not myself. It doesn't mean that I am someone else. It just means I am not myself. The doctor's hands are very pink and a little fat. When he speaks to me, he uses his hands like he is rowing; pushing his words toward me. I think it is strange that he does that but I always feel better after we talk so maybe it works.
He says that those people are not real and that they only come when my medicine is not working. He says that it is a part of my mind fighting back against my condition. He says that they are trying to help me, but that it's bad when they try to hurt me. Then he will point to the burn marks on my chest. He asks me if I remember getting them and I will say 'no'. Sometimes I cry because I don't like what is happening to me.
I forget things.
I don't remember how I got here. 'Here' is the operative word in that phrase; I don't know where here is. I don't know how long I have been here.
This is not my apartment. I feel awkward and frightened here because I am surrounded by strange things. None of the furniture is in the right place. The light is coming in from the wrong direction. Those are some of the reasons why I know this is not my apartment. I do not remember injuring myself but my hands are encrusted with blood. Could this be another one of my delusions; a sort of a waking dream? I hope that it is.
The couch looks quite comfortable. I think I'll lie down on it and have a sleep. It is quiet here so I can do that. When I wake up, I'll be back within the safe confines of my own apartment with my cat and my budgie. The cat purrs. The budgie chirps. Sometimes I get confused and think it's the other way around. I'll make a cup of tea. I'll go to the bathroom and take my medicine from the cabinet and swallow the right number of pills. I'll draw back the shower curtain. I'll look inside and there will be no bruised and bloodied body of a stranger lying there, looking back at me with glassy, dead, grey eyes.
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| Blog Comments
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interesting read there stickman. Are you telling a story or is this really yourself you are talking about....I can't imagine living a life like this, but am sure alot of people do.
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-04-27 15:21:09
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I was going to ask the same question as hollis. It sounds like u but at the end it sounds almost dreamlike. If it is u I hope u begin to feel better soon.
S
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Posted by dreampower
on 2008-04-27 17:12:34
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I pray God holds you tight in his loving arms. Keep seeing your doctor and know God loves you.
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Posted by anotherdaze
on 2008-04-27 20:22:38
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i write stories.
i don't write about myself.
cheers for the comments.
:o)
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2008-04-27 21:14:00
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LOL!
...oooooOOOO honey! you got people going!!lol!
great internal character profile, BDSM :D
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Posted by Shannon
on 2008-04-27 23:18:07
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Sometimes, just sometimes, you scare me Stickman!
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-04-28 04:31:13
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This is awesome, Stick! After I had read The Shining, I used to do that thing with the shower curtain too! Took me quite a while to get over that one! That little terror at the end went right through me! You spin an excellent tale, Stick - well done!
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-04-28 06:50:55
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I'd like to say that I didn't question whether or not this was a journal post...but about halfway through I got it...you're fabulous!
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Posted by smilinirisheyes
on 2008-04-30 11:16:02
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I love how convincing this is, i think that was your aim? was it not? lol
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-05-01 14:36:20
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This was so well written, and like miss marie said, so convincing! I'd have believed it if it wasnt for your own comment!! I loved how you phrased your sentences to sound like you were genuinely having this problem like,
"When he speaks to me, he uses his hands like he is rowing; pushing his words toward me. I think it is strange that he does that but I always feel better after we talk so maybe it works."
It is so convincing!!! You are a genius!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-05-05 07:19:10
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| Views: 132
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