Welcome to "Sex in my City."
I have always been fascinated by relationships, dating, and sex. While I've always labeled myself as a straight woman, I like to consider myself sexually ambiguous. I don't generally find women to be what I'm looking at but occasionally there have been some exceptions. I haven't really ventured too far into this side of my sexuality but as I delve deeper into my search for my "other half," I am opening myself up to the idea a little more. Mostly because I cant seem to make it work with men. Maybe through sharing my experiences with the world through this blog, I can learn a little more about what's holding me back. I'm also going to discuss the relationship up's and down's of my close friends but for all of you who are a little too curious, I'll be sure to *change the names* for the sake of privacy. I just ask that you as the reader, try to understand that I, like anyone else, am just trying to find myself and my place in this life. I don't always make good choices. I'm not a saint. I do and have done very bad things. I can be judgemental, but I stand by what I say. Always. Anyhow this is it for an introduction. This could get graphic and very personal. And somedays it could get boring and depressing. But that's life. And sometimes that's sex. So enjoy, or go read something else! The beauty in life is that, that choice is yours!

January 24, 2008

I think I'll use this entry to lay out the scene for ya'll. My name's *Samantha. I'm 26 years old and I'm currently living in Pompano Beach, Florida. I moved back home with my folks after a botched attempt at being independent. I have, in the past, had a tendency to gravitate toward the crazy table dancing type of friends. The partiers, the druggies, the sluts, the needy assholes and the users. I liked that it made me feel like I wasn't such a mess. I liked feeling needed. But it came to bite me in the ass one too many times, ending 3 years ago this May, with two arrests (one for a DUI, the other for possession of marijuana) and having to give up my apartment in Tampa and move back home with mom and dad. Since I've been home, I've cleaned up my act. I've found a new group of friends (save for two, who were my only not crazy friends from the past) and I've got a great job that I've worked my way to the top position in. But this blog isn't about all that really. It's about sex. It's about dating and relationships. Or lack thereof.
My dating history is pretty all over the place. I was sort of a late bloomer compared to other kids I went to school with. I went through a seriously awkward phase in middle school. I didn't really know how to dress, or do make up. I had glasses, braces, the whole bit. Once I got to high school though I really wanted to reinvent myself. So I went from *Samantha, to Sam. I pulled away from my dorky friends, except *Emilia whom I'd been friends with since fourth grade. Mostly because our mom's were best friends. Then I started hanging out with this really pretty girl *Tania. Tania, was a transfer from Maine and didn't know a soul so she hadn't gotten sucked into the popular click yet. We bonded right away. I think she liked me because I so plainly admired her and since I wasn't very confidant in myself, she treated me like her sidekick. The one thing I can say I gained from that friendship, was the ability to to become friends with boys. I'd never had male friends till her. Guys were always around her, and she usually flirted them through me so I got a lot of practice talking to them. And I got some insight into how they think when they're into a girl. I also met my first boyfriend *Tony that year. We dated for all of freshman year and about half of my sophomore year. I never really liked him as much as I should have. He was a great guy but I was completely smitten with this senior who didn't even know I existed name *Ryan. It's the only time in my life, to date, that I can say I thought that I was in love. But being that it was completely unrequited, I'm not even sure that it counted. Tony was a great guy. He was sweet and he was crazy about me. But to be honest, I just was never really attracted to him. We met my freshman year at Homecoming. I wasn't gonna go because I didn't have a date, but decided last minute to check it out with Emilia. Tony was there because his buddy *Bobby dragged him. Bobby was dating a girl named *Lenna that I had a few classes with. At some point during the dance, Tony had the choice to ask Emilia or myself to dance and for some reason he asked me. After that, he just became my boyfriend. My first kiss, my first...well everything actually. I didn't really enjoy sex then though. I just was way too young to appreciate it. And then a life altering thing happened which has affected me from that moment to this day. A close friends (at the time) father molested me. It caused a huge strain on mine and Tony's relationship. I was a complete mess. Half the time I wanted sex. I wanted him to be rough. Then in a second I'd be in the fetal position at the foot of his bed crying. We were too young to break down what was happening and I inevitably pushed him away. I started to get completely focused on my interest in Ryan and didn't do much to hide it from Tony. I think if he had chose Emilia right off the bat, he and I could have had the chance to become the best of friends. But whose to say what could have been. And as fate had it, with all my pushing him away he did end up falling for Emilia. They actually stayed together for like 6 or 7 years after that.
So after both my friendship with Emilia and Tania ended when I got to my Junior year of high school, I met *Selena. Selena was a model from NYC that transferred to our school. Again, we became friends before the popular click could suck her in completely. Selena really brought me out of my shell. She taught me to pluck my eyebrows in my car during lunch break, she showed me how to scrunch my hair with mousse and a bath towel, she took me to wet seal every Friday after school and picked out an outfit for me to buy. I started feeling like a new person. And by the time senior year came around, the glasses were off, the braces were off and I was off. By the time I was 17, I was strutting around in heels, short skirts & baby doll tops. And the serial dating began. I took off dating 3 guys at once. And my attitude changed about sex. I tried to connect with these guys but it was impossible. I had a blockage to feeling anything towards people I was sexually involved with. It only worsened once I got out of high school. Then at 19, I was raped by one of my coworkers taking him home from a bar. I showed up to have a drink after work and he was already wasted. So another guy I worked with asked me to drive him home, since I hadn't had a drink yet. I agreed and ended up paying a huge price for it. The guy quit the next day and I've only seen him once since. I briefly caught his face in a crowd at the air and sea show, and I did a U-turn and headed as fast as possible the other way. But at that point I was already pretty damaged. I thought at the time that I had the power. I thought because I called the shots that I couldn't get hurt. It made me feel invincible. So when I met my friend *Lauren (who is one of the circle of friends I'll be referring back to throughout this journal) after I got out of high school and got into the club scene, we just took that life by storm. She was a lot like me. She liked to pick up guys and have fun. And she didn't judge me for my love 'em and leave 'em style. She admired it. And that made me feel cool. So we ran all over the town. The numbers of my conquests started getting pretty up there. I got to a point where I just stopped counting or trying to keep track of their names. I always got regular check ups and came back with a clean bill of health, so I saw no reason to slow down. Then at 19, I got pregnant. It was a regular bootycall named *Craig. I didn't even really like him to be honest. He was hot, had money and was great in bed. But the guy was a fucking idiot. He wasn't interesting or smart, he wasn't kind or funny. He was basically a douche bag. So in true douche bag form, he wasn't overly pleased to hear about my pregnancy. And to be honest, neither was I. Having a baby wasn't even remotely something I was interested in at the time. Neither was marriage. So when I ended up having complications leading to a forced abortion after 4 months, I was secretly relieved. I thought I'd slow down after that, but I didn't. I took a short break but then got right back on the saddle again. My next "boyfriend" was this guy *Allen. He was half Italian, half Latino. Tall, football player build. Sweet and crazy about me. BUT...I had some complaints. He made NO money. I was paying for EVERYTHING. Now I have never really cared about money. I have no issue paying for MYSELF. But when I'm the one supporting the guy...that gets old. REALLY FAST. And he had a small dick. I know that's mean, but let's get real. I'd been around the block a few times. I knew I'd never be satisfied with him. And since I'm avidly against cheating, I broke up with him. We dated off and on here and there a couple times (even recently) trying to see if we couldn't get past old issues. But I always knew it never was gonna be a good fit. Which was unfortunate since my friends and family really liked him. Oh well. The next boyfriend was *Billy. I met him after I moved to Tampa when I was 22. I was drunk, leaving a club to head back to the car (no I wasn't driving BTW) and this guy walks past giving me the up and down. I immediately got defensive and shouted "What the fuck are you looking at?" and then I let my eyes focus and saw that this guy was HOT!!! He shouted back. "I'm looking at you." He had ice blue eyes, tattoos and a rocker style. He looked kinda like a taller, more built version of Fred Durst. I took him home with me that minute and he never left for a month. Literally. He pretty much moved himself in. He was another broke ass loser and when I found out he was hitting on my roommates and friends when I wasn't home or sleeping, I went out and picked up a couple guys brought them home and broke up with him. As you can tell, it didn't take me long to get over things. I dated a few more guys after that. A few weeks here and there. I actually dated about 7 of the guys I worked with. Three at the same time. And they all knew about each other. I was what most people would probably call a "pimp." It's not that I'm exceptionally good looking or anything like that. I just am very upfront about things. I don't cheat and I don't lie. But what I've always valued about myself, is that up until recently I've never really settled either. I never liked the idea of staying with someone that wasn't really for me just so I didn't have to be alone. I moved back home a month before my 24th birthday. And within 2 months I was involved with *Jacob. Jacob, at the time, was a cook who transferred to my store so he could start prepping to go into the MIT program (manager in training). He was in a 9 year long bad relationship with the mother of his son. It started with innocent flirting but then turned into a full on affair. After becoming a manager in my store, it still continued. This relationship has been my most difficult relationship to date. It has been a complete mind fuck from the start. And unfortunately, it has been the longest relationship of my life. And since Ryan back in freshman year, it's the closest to love I've been. At this point, he's no longer with the mother of his child. Believe it or not, she left him for a woman and moved to the other side of the country. Leaving him to take care of their kid and one of hers from a previous relationship. A real winner, right?! After their split I think part of me thought he and I would finally get legitimate. But it's been completely the opposite. And after many hours or crying and fighting, I am slowly but surely pulling away for good. It's not easy though. Because now that I'm 26, the game's starting to change. I'm looking at babies and getting the googly eyes. I want to get married and have the family and the dream. That girl that wants to chase boys, and juggle dates has since checked out. With no warning. And now I'm in the awful place where I don't know what I'm doing or what I want. So now I'm being super picky and trying to focus more on my job and friends. But I still have some options. So let's break down the guys presently in the picture...

*Rick : My very hot best guy friend. We met on a Internet blind date. I wasn't his type but we ended up staying in touch and eventually inseparable. We've made out a couple times and even started having sex once one drunken evening but nothing ever came of it. And luckily it never hurt our friendship. Everyone around us would like to see this relationship happen, but I think that ship has sailed. Sorry. And right now we're barely seeing each other. I work nights and he's getting back into a school schedule after taking some time off.

Jacob: My boss/lover. You've got most of the story on this one But presently we're being just barely friendly to each other. We got into yet another argument and have yet to recover. I'm trying to pull away from him and I think he might be doing the same. We both know it's time to let the other go, but when you've been with someone, in any capacity for almost 3 years, walking away isn't always the easiest thing to do.

*Alec: A very cute party boy who hangs out with me spiratically. He flirts hard-core online and on the phone, but in person doesn't really make a move. We had one hot and heavy make-out session once shortly after we starting dating and that was it. Then I didn't see him for a while. He came out a few weeks ago and we had a good time hanging with friends of mine, but again he made no move. He's been calling and leaving me comments on MySpace saying we should hang out but I'm wondering "why bother?"

*Bryce: A not so cute coworker who has suddenly confessed to have a strong attraction to me. I'm a big flirt so he never knew whether to take me seriously so he waited till I was out of town on a business trip to break the news to me over text messaging. I've been considering it mostly because I could use the distraction from Jacob. He's a pretty good guy and he's attentive but he's moody and I'm not sure I'm sexually attracted to him enough to make it happen. Still in a moment of weakness, I said I'd give it a shot. Luckily (at least for this situation) I've been sick since I got back to town so I haven't had to follow through just yet. However we are talking everyday. And even though he initially said he was only interested in having a no-strings sexual relationship, he's calling twice a day and being overly sweet for someone just looking to get down. This causes a lot of hesitation on my end.

*Roger: An online friend whom I talk to on the phone regularly. I hesitate with this one only because everything's so great the way it is, I don't want to ruin it. But I like him a lot. He's funny, interesting, creative, and he has the sexiest voice I've ever heard. Not sure where it's going but I don't think I can play this evasive game much longer. Eventually I'm gonna have to meet him.

*Logan: I've known Logan for like 8 years. We've tried dating a thousand times and it NEVER works. He's like the male version of me so as great as it sounds, it's actually really annoying and doesn't work. He's been calling a lot lately which means he's gonna try to make another go at it. I just hope I don't get frustrated enough to agree to try again. We're definitely better off as friends.

*Carson: Works at the coffee shop down the street. He's like a chubbier Dave Matthews looking kinda guy. He's down to earth and easy company, but my friends don't think he's really my type. He's not but I admire his confidence and I like hanging around him.

* Jeff: Last and probably least on the list is Jeff. His parents bought a bar down the street from my house and he's moving down from Jersey to help run it. He's got some baby mama drama and a mildly ghetto side to him. But much like Carson, he's down to earth and easy company. I like being around him but I don't know that I'm into him enough to try to turn it into anything substantial.

So this is where I stand as of now. In my next entry I'll give you a little insight to my friends and what thery're stories are. As long as I'm sick my love life is sort of at a lull, so it works out. That way I can have you all caught up before I get back out there into the game. My ass is killing me so I'm gonna get out of this chair! See ya'll tomorrow!