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It's been 45 days since the house arrest began. I still have 165 days to go. I've seen every lifetime movie, I know which neighbors are having affairs, the house is spotless, and I am going to break my perimeter and kick the crap out of the neighbor downstairs if she slams the freakin door one more time. My cats have become my best friends. They are my only company, besides my fiancee, when he's not working. Friends always say they will stop by but after a while, they stop calling, and as of yet no one has stopped by. It could be worse, right? I could be in jail. It's the paranoia that really gets to you though after a while. Every time a car pulls up I don't recognize I think it's my field officer. And I immediately panic, even though I'm not doing anything wrong. It's just the fact that I know she can come to my house anytime she wants. I feel like I have no privacy. It's slowly starting to drive me crazy! I feel like I'm going insane. Most of my days are spent alone, with the cats, desperately searching for something to pass the time. I know I screwed up, I get it!!!! Not one second of one day goes by that I am not reminded of my mistakes. I have no car ( I totalled it, drunk, i.e. the house arrest), I can't drive again until february (that will be one year), I can't get a good job even though I finished college in the top 10% of my class because I'm technically a felon until my probation is over in 2009, but I guess the judge felt it necessary to rub more salt into the wound by giving me 9 months house arrest. Too bad I'm not a celebrity, then I could just run off to a rehab and get a day in jail. I don't want to make excuses for what I did or try to justify it, however, this will haunt me for the rest of my life, isn't that punishment enough??? I'm lucky no one was hurt, or even killed, but I get it, I SCREWED up!!!! I can only hope that something good can come from all of this. The worst part about the house arrest is the crushing lonliness. Not to mention the exhaustion associated with lying to everyone. If anyone in my family or my fiancee's family knew about the house arrest I would be devastated. Sure, I could tell them the truth......but everyone's opinion of me would change, and not for the better. I think that's why I drank so much to begin with, because I always wanted to please everyone and put on this facade that I was perfect. Now that the alcohol is gone, I have to face life, and man it really sucks sometimes. It's so easy to take for granted the simple things in life. For example, being able to come and go as you please, going to the grocery store, running to the gas station for a soda, sitting on the porch, and I could go on and on. Heck, I would be happy to take out the trash or get the mail!!! Anyways, that's enough for today I guess.
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Posted by azriel on 2007-09-01 15:27:06 | Rating: | Views: 147
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Sorry to hear about your situation. I think you will like it here at thoughts.com becuase you can vent your frustrations and ideas running through your head. Sometimes you will get feedback from other people that you dont even know, and you can read whats going on with other peoples live too. I think that is will be a great medicine for the house arrest blues. Anyhow, I am looking forward to reading more of your posts...
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Posted by jason
on 2007-09-01 15:44:11
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azriel, What a time you are having.mistakes- felon for dui,But look at it this way you were very lucky,no life was taken .How much puishment is enough you tell us how you feel is enough.Family you are who you are ,Stand Tell, Be who you are.FRiends come an go need to check then out.The ones who are not comeing House arrest ,This to shall past.We all screwe upjust give us time.Alcohol never gone it will always be there Will you that's for you to think of Have a nice weekend Stop feeling sorry for yourself you are doing good you know how you got there.Now its up to you.
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Posted by shellyme
on 2007-09-01 16:06:36
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Azriel-You can get through this. I hope you will keep writing.
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Posted by penguin
on 2007-09-01 18:16:25
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Welcome...you and I are on a similar journey...I'm not on house arrest, but I've basically ruined my entire life with the same mistake you made. I must say congrats cuz you said the alcohol was gone. I wish that I could say the same. Mind you, I don't drive anywhere--but am now drinking out of depression... not that it's an appropriate excuse, it's just the truth.
I have a really good job, great boyfriend and have basically jeapordized both of them with my choices. We are almost to the end of my huge financial fees (not counting the ones that will continue for two more years), and I have almost made us bankrupt. Hiding this from everyone has been very painful. I did tell my mother and best friend, though. To me, that was the ultimate punishment-letting the two people who believe in me the most know that I have failed miserably...
I can't give you that positive "you'll get through it" I'm sure that you will, but I don't think that's what you want to hear right now.
Just know that you're not alone.
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Posted by yy1313
on 2007-09-02 07:13:50
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