Yeah, that would be how I refer to my precious little basset hound, King. He's like my first child. If he doesn't agree with the baby, I might seriously consider selling the baby to the circus (just kidding!).

The other day, my precious pooch got under the fence into the neighbor lady's yard. What can I say? He's a hound dog, who's main instinct is to smell things and find them. When I cook or eat, I can't help but give him a little morsel of yummy whatever because he's so damn cute. Go look at his picture if you don't believe me.

Back to my story.

So he pops through the fence via a hole he has dug with the help of our Irish Wolfhound, Flynn (who I despise because he is a giant), King starts barking and making this whimper-y noise that basset hounds make and I hear it so I open the back door and step into the yard. I call him and when I see Flynn standing solo in the backyard I put the pieces together.

Damn dog, I think. I trot (imagine a pregnant chic running...nice mental image huh?) towards the noise my poor pooch is making and look over the fence and I see that my neighbor has grabbed the "rabid dog" by the collar and is just beating him senseless. Now, one look at King and one can tell he is obviously well cared for. He has a collar, with tags as required by Texas law and he's well fed and usually well mannered until there is a.) food involved (at which point all dogs lose their minds) or b.) he is being assaulted by a crazy mild aged bitch who obviously has something against dogs, especially mine. I pop my head over the fence and start yelling at this lady to let my dog go and to quit beating him or I am going to come over the fence and beat her (another funny image: pregnant shich hopping the fence). She looks at me, looks at my dog who is violently jerking his head around trying to get out of his collar and run, then hits him one more time for good measure and lets him go. He comes right back to the hole, pops through on our side and runs right for the back door.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Your crazed mutt came through the fence and attacked us while we were trying to enjoy our meal on our back patio!" She screams at me.

At this point, I've had it. "Ma'am, look at his collar. It is obvious that he has his shots and, by the looks of this hole, it is painfully clear that this 'rabid dog' came from next door. Now why on earth would we keep a 'rabid dog?'"

"Young lady, you're new to this neighborhood and I just don't think you understand that it is extremely rude to allow your dog to dig a hole and come into my yard. If I wanted a dog in my yard, I'd have a dog. You need to control your dog and keep him on your property." She says to me. I look over towards her patio and I see her husband shaking his head and he looks at me and just kind of shrugs like a defeated soldier. I see a table set with food and heat still rising off a grill at one edge of the patio. King, you little shit, I think to myself. Now I know why he was in their yard and why he might have looked "rabid." Basset hounds drool, a lot. Especially when presented with the prospect of tasty food.

"Alright, ma'am. I will not allow my dog to dig a hole ever again. Somehow I will become the first person to teach a dog to overcome it's instincts okay? Until then, if my dog gets in your yard again please just come next door and tell me. Do not ever abuse him in anyway or we will have a legal issue on our hands." I hop off the fence, which I have been clinging to like some kind of retarded primate and gather my doggies and go inside.

Once in the safety of my own kitchen I inspect the injuries King has sustained from his few minutes in hell next door. There's blood on his nose where she must have scratched him with one of her rings or something, but other than that I see nothing. Thankfully, King has come through with only minor injuries.

Can you sue someone for animal abuse even if said animal has come onto their property without permission? I have a feeling I might need to know soon.