so, i haven't written anything since around christmas time...and my oh my has so much happend!
after i wrote the last blog i went and smoked with casey. we ended up going to jack in the box, and we sit there, high as hell i come to a funny realization-we are high, in jack in the box, and it's christmas. we laugh forever on this thought. hahah, good times. we end up having a pretty slow night after that, nothing really eventful.
the next day we went shopping all day at the mall. then, courtney and i went to alfonso's house and we were drinking. at this point i seemed to forget that all i had to eat that day was a chocolate crossiant- which is a bad thin to forget when you are drinking. i had about 4 beers and 2 shots over a period of 5 hours, that is usually NOTHING for me. i don't remember but according to courtney i hooked up with alfonso's brother and he had pulled out a condom, but i don't think that we had sex because you usually can just feel it the next day. Anyways, so courtney says that i almost puked but then we passed out in alfonso's tower bedroom (kinda confusing, he has an extra bedroom that is not attached to the house) So, i was lying in bed with courtney and this creepy guy came and layed in the bed with us she said. I woke up to someone making out with me and i wasn't even moving. i didn't even know what to do, he was making out with me when i was passed out. so courtney, who i thought was sleeping, came up with the brilliant idea to call her friend beto and hang up. she did this like 3 times and then he called her back. she pretended that this woke her up and asked beto if we could come over. so we took a cab to beto's house. i was still drunk at this point. we had to go through beto's window. guess who i saw?? Three guys i went to school with, christian was one of my good friends. (he had apparently texted me and courtney saw it, but i didn't know until he said anything haha). So we are all just talking and i told christian that courtney saved me from getting raped. i didn't say it too seriously though. Anyways, the three guys i knew left beto's house to go to a party. Soon i get a text message from christian saying that he really misses me and that he shouldn't have left. so i told him to come back. then he text me asking if i would have sex with him and i told him no (christian and i hooked up at the begining of senior year, we just made out though). he said that's fine, i just want to sleep with you. I told him okay, but no sex. He came and layed next to me.  We were just cuddling and it felt really good because i felt like i wanted to cry after what happend at alfonso's house. I felt so used and like a whore and the cuddling made me feel safe. Then he left after a while because he told jesus that he could stay at his house and jesus came back looking for him. At this point i started to like him a little bit.
Two days later..or so... beto called me and wanted to hang out with me and courtney and he was with christian. We knew that it was a total like hook up set up because beto and courtney kinda had a thing. So we went over there and hung out for a few and realized that we couldn't do anything until 10 when beto's buyer got off of work. So, courtney and i told him to call me when they get the alcohol. So, they call us, but we have no where to go. They decide to go to this winery where they used to live by. You need a password to get in and there was supposed to be covered benches that we could sit at. We get there and the benches are covered with a screen type of thing (oh yeah, it was raining too) so everything was soaked. I have the idea that we pull a  bench into the bathroom. So we party in the bathroom and play kings cup. I, ofcourse, get the last king so i am outside drinking the cup and christian comes out. we end up going in the other bathroom and making out. we did a lot making out at that, and 2nd base too. He told me that he had never gotten head before, which i thought was weird because he dated this girl cara on and off for over a year. So, i gave him head, and he apparently really liked it. I heard beto and courtney take off in my car and drive it around a lot. then, we finally got in my car and left. beto was driving because he was the dd. We drop them off and drive to safeway and get some snacks. Then we realize that it is four in the morning and we have no where to go. We park over by my old house and tried to fall asleep in the car. We couldnt because we had no blankets and it was freezing. Alfonso finally responded to our text at 6 in the morning and told us we could come over to his house. So we jump in his  bed with him. We tell him the story of what happend. I get a call from work and just decide to go in at 7:30 and cover a shift. I didn't go to sleep until 10 that night. I was tired as all hell.
Christian kept telling me that he wanted to hang out on new years eve and go to a party together. It was deffinitely a plan, i had never had a new years eve kiss before so i was stoaked. We talked on new years eve day and he told me that his friend was having a party and he was helping to throw it. He gave me the address and told me to invite anyone and everyone. When courtney, tasha, charlie and i were on our way we got numerous phone calls telling us not to come because there was already five cops there. One of them was christian calling me. So, we drop tash and charlie off at home because they were just going to san fran. we decide to drive around a bit and then park at safeway. Shannon calls to tell me that there is a party going on on railroad with a bunch of the people that were at the other party. i text christian and tell him that i am going to that one. So court shannon and i walk in and guess who is there? Christian and his ex girlfriend cara are hanging out. she gives me the dirtiest look. she doesn't like me because she knows that when  they were on a break (which i though would be permanent) that we hooked up. (this was the time at the begining of senior year that i told you about. I told alyse and shannon that we were going to run out to the car. then i called shannon to tell her that we were leaving because it was too sketch and then we just went back to courtney's house. i almost cried. i was soooo pissed.
Then courtney was telling our friend shelsey about cara and she was like, "aren' t they still together? We talked to beto and confirmed that they were still together. He said that the day i hooked up with him he was supposed to break up with her but he couldn't do it. He said that Christian doesn't like her and that he likes me. He said that they hardly talk anymore. This made me so sad and mad at the same time. I was going to wait to confront him in person though. Well, it just so happend that he left 3 days later to go back to school in san jose. I talked to him last friday on the phone and told him that we might come and visit him on sunday. On monday i texted him and told him sorry we didn't make it. He gave me the guilt trip and i told him that we should call it even because when i was going to be in monterey he was going to be in sonoma. He said that we couldn't call it even and that i owed him. I asked him what i owed him and he told me another fun time in the bathroom. I replied with, "maybe when you're single. how come you didn't tell me?" at this point he told me that he would  call me later. I didn't think that he would, but he did. He said that he thought i knew that they were still together and i told him i assumed that they werent. He said, "you know what happens when you assume?" and i said "yeah, but this time it made a bigger ass out of you" i basically gave him the guilt trip to where he appologized to me and was going to tell cara. i told him to not say that it was me. He promised he wouldn't. I still want to be friends with him though, i don't like him anymore and i don't feel like i could trust him.
Let's rewind to last saturday though. I hung out in napa all day with courtney and her family. Her brother is 25 and he is really fun to hang out with. blah blah blah. We were flirting a lot and during the movie we were sitting on a couch. The remotes were between us and he moved them and put his arm around me and asked me to scoot closer, i did a little and he did too. i felt so unbelievably confortable. Like, so safe, much more than when i was with christian because i know with jason i can be myself and not have to worry about it. I have two problems with the whole thing. One, it's courntey's brother and what if something were to happen? And two, he went to prison...that was for drugs, which he doesn't do anymore. So, that's not a big one to me. Ugh. She knows that i like him a little too. Blah. I hope that i can see him again before i leave back to school. I am in monterey now though. I text him sometimes and he put me as number 6 on his myspace top friends. which is a good sign because i know that courtney and i aren't just assuming that he likes me, even if it's only a little.
jeeze, i am so ready for a relationship. I don't like to hookup. it really sucks. I am too mature for dealing with that shit. oh i am on birth control now, which is good. yay for that! well, before this i took a long bike ride and i am wiped out, so i am going to take a nap and then a shower.
ash