sometimes a little saddness gives us a little sanity. I'm 36 and have been cutting sence about 13 or 14...it has gotten a lot better the last 5 or 6 years, there are times, like you..even to this day that i want to cut...i just want to leave the most beautiful scar along my chest or arm. But i have learned with age and yes...happiness...time can make it better(i know that's hard to believe..that you can be happy..but it's true). For me cutting was a way to...feel something??..I can't even tell u...
how the thought of cutting even crossed my mind
i know what led up 2 it
many things, my mom&stepdads marriage
lack of attention and affection
nobody 2 talk 2..
my 8th grade year was OMG,
the kids, rich,snob,fuckheads..
i was about 2 weeks in2 high school...
these kids were far worse than those in 8th grade..
and the ones that were dicks and snobs
became SUPER dicks and snobs
so combine that with all the above
and add to that...i did not see my dad
though i was in fear of him...i still loved him
and missed him...
and it became a bad situation...
i had been harassed all day at school
the but of a joke in art class....
and a pretty good knowledge that i was not
going 2 fit in at the school...
i walked home..
i did not even want 2 go home..
i wanted 2 go back 2 modesto(where we had moved from)
2 where people knew..i wasn't a dork,
or oreo cookie, or big lips....or idiot
2 where people treated me like a person WITH feelings...
i hated stockton SO much when i first came here

so i geT home, my mom and step-dad are playing rummy...
my sister is happy go lucky,
and i'm...lonley...
i'm alone...an outcast....
not one of them....
and on top of all that..
don't forget i'm a dork,oreo cookie,big lips, and idiot..
that's a lot of shit 2 be at one time...
it had been building up...i guess...
over the summer, when 8th grade ended thank god!!!
i remember sitting in my room..i had a steak knife...
sitting on my bed...
i was crying...back then i cried way 2 much...
i wanted my mom 2 come in the room...
and ask me how school was..or how my day went,
and she never did....
and i remember sitting there...waiting and waiting 4 her 2 come in..
thinking every foot step down the hallway, was hers...
but her walking through the door never came...
and i was so mad...i was so sad...depressed...
hyper...defeated...
and i racked the steak knife down
the inside of my forearm...
and it hurt..really bad...
but 2 seconds later,
i started 2 feel better..
i swear i felt high,
and all those emotions..became one...
and went out
with the blood,
and the sting and the burn....
and i sat there and looked at my forearm
for awhile...
and i know it's sad
and was the start of something bad..
and unstoppable...
but in that cut...
i found everything i had been looking 4....
and it made everything better...
it did 4 me,
what none of those head doctors
my mom took me to could do...
i hate 2 brag..but i was smarter then them...
they said i was hyper...
but i wasn't..i was really breaking in2 tiny pieces and i dind'nt know why
i just knew i did not want anyone 2 know my secret...
because i VERY afraid that i would be
put in a nut house...
not 2 mention i HATED those doctors...
4 belittling my intelligence,
so i HAD 2 play the hyper role..
i would even cut at school
teachers didn't care about a skinny little half-breed...
no not then...so, i resigned myself 2 my fate,
this is how life is, everyone..is fucked up
and cruel, kids and adults...
there is nothing special about kids...
they are not so fucking innocent,
they all will at one time or another..
use u, lie 2 u ,abuse u,
get a cheap laugh
at ur expense....
and i also promised,
myself that i would not care,
i would not cry, i would not show..
them that they had exceeded in their goal...
i couldn't of course beat them up,
but i could beat my self up...
i could go to a private place
and relieve the pain,or humiliation
or whatever it happened 2 be..
if i wanted 2 punish myself
if i wanted 2 get all those painful feelings out...
if i wanted 2 cry them all out...
i could cut myself
and when u do something like that
and u choose 2 live like that
there are things u trade...
things that are near impossible 2 get back..
if only i had known...then, what i know now....

sorry 4 taking up ur time, but believe me, things do get better, easier to manage...life has not yet begun..you have ur whole life ahead of you..don't let mundane plastic people push ur buttons and control you, and no matter what u think, or how u feel...there are others like u, and these others have survived...forever i thought i was the only one, and it was such a yellow day when i found out...i was not the only one...well...please do take care of ur-self, i am not trying to be a counsler...just someone who read ur blog...and remembers what it felt like...back then for me...take care of ur-self!!!

thankyou so much for taking the time to write that. I really appreciate it. Yeh, its good to know that there are other people in this world who have felt the same way ans still managed to find happiness. I know that i must EVENTUALLY find it, i just dont know how long its going to take. I guess i just have to take life aday at a time.
thanks heaps for your comment

omg, im in the exact same way. its hard. really hard. ive been like this before and i vowed to mysefl it would never happen again but it has. and its hard when no one is there for you and it feels no one will listen or understand. i would love to write my feelings in a blog and i did once, my mum found out. deleted it all. & flipped. it was like my diary had been burned, it was the only way to figure myself out. my own little world. i want to start writing about me again but im so scared. i dont want to upset my fmily any more then i have and see a physcaritrist. i know exactly how your feeling. thatnk you fro what you wrote. it means alot. i hope things get easier for you i really do. one piece of advice is something i got of my psychiatrist is this. Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself:I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy. it works. you just have to believe.