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in case you were wondering....my best friend and i chatted and agreed to just remain friends how we are and put this behind us. it is actually the best decision for us.
yesterday was the first day in a long time that i have actually felt like myself, my old self. i used to be this really happy and crazy (in a fun way) person...just living life and enjoying everything. then when things with my ex began to go down hill(about 10 months ago) i changed....i became this person that i no longer enjoyed. it happened slowly at first then it just took a downward turn fast. i changed. i no longer enjoyed who i was and i was doing everything out of character, being highly infulenced by whoever was around me. i didnt even realize it at the time, taht i was turning into someone that i hated. months later i realized that i just wasnt happy anymore, i was stressed out all the time! while i was having fun and enjoying things...inside i wasnt happy with myself. i was starting to become depressed and honestly i had no reason to be, it was all self inflicted. i dont want to sound concieded but i am a pretty girl, i have lots of friends, a stable family life, not tons of money but enough, and while i have gone through hard times i havent ever really gone through something terrible. i was self inflicting all this pain on myself simply because my heart had been broken. i made terrible choices and compromised my beliefs in the past months. after months of inner-saddness i finally realized that i just wasnt happy at all anymore, i had lost who i was and let some jerk take away the happiness i used to have. how stupid was that! it was actually easier than i thought it would be to just be ok with myself again. i have great friends who constatnly help me out and tell me how amazing i am and distract me from all the bad that has been in my life.
it really is possible to just let go and leave your old life behind and get back to the happy person you used to be. yesterday i just had fun (despite being at work...haha) but in all honesty, i was just enjoying myself. my rooommate and i were being goofy and crazy and laughing. i wasnt stressed out about my FWB guy that i have wrote about or my best friend and our awkwardness or any of my friends relationship issues. it was a good feeling. it brought me back to where i was a year ago and how much i loved my life and who i was. i know that i can never really go back and i will never been that innocent girl again....i have changed, i know things now, some of which i wish i didnt know. i am not near as innocent as i used to be but that is ok, and while i sometimes want taht innocence back i know that i have learned so much from what i have gone through. i saw a lifestyle that some part of me wanted to belong to, and when i was there i hated every minute of it. i hated who it made me, how it made me act, what i did, all of it! i realized that while i used to think my life was boring before hand, i longed for it again. and my life is far from boring...i have never had more fun in my life.
this is really jsut me rambling on.....hahha....just wanted to share. there is hope if you think that you are stuck in an unhappy situation. it is a day to day struggle and like i said....10 months after my life started to go down hill and about 6 months after it spun completely out of control i am just now beginning to feel ok. its a process, nothing instant....but very possible! |
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Posted by april_michelle on 2008-07-15 11:30:28 | Rating: | Views: 43
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