Well my Bubby is coming home tonight.  Late tonight.  His fligh comes in after midnight tonight.  I'm debating if I want to take a couple buses into the Pitt airport so I can meet him and ride home with him ... making sure that he is horney enough to make love to me tonight.  I need this.  I need him.  Especially since I know that as I am typing this he is meeting with an old friend in the Philly airport.  Not a big problem right?  Well this old friend is female.  Again, what's the big deal right?  Well he used to mess around with this girl.  He was supposed to go out to Philly to hang out with her for a weekend awhile ago and asked if it was ok that he gave her an orgasm through a back massage.  Now I guess I should be glad he asked instead of not but it still makes me nervous.  He didn't end up going b/c I didn't want him to.  Now that's a long story that I would rather forget and move on from. 
Now I know I should trust him and as we go on I do trust him more.  He expects him to trust me completly right away, but how can I?  I mean I don't really know if he would ever cheat on me but how can I completly trust him? 
Ok here's the deal.  Everyone thinks highly of themselves.  We have to, because if we don't and we actually fully understand just how big of liers and cheaters and mean people we really are, then we would feel terrible about ourselves all the time.  The weird/fat/ugly kid/person you make fun of at school/work/whereever you validate it to yourself that you would NEVER say it to their face so what harm can it do?  More than you think.
I used to think I was a good person.  For example I would never cheat on my boyfriend.  Or at least that's what I thought.  Then I went to college and there was temptation.  I didn't get enough attention from me boyfriend.  We were drifting apart and just not really connecting anymore. 
I didn't jump right into it.  I started flirting, then kissing, and well you know.  Over time one thing lead to another and before I knew it I was on an adult sex sight hooking up with strangers.  For the night I was with them, I felt great, but the next morning I crashed and felt terrible.  Sex was my drug.  The night the high was so great and I actually felt like I was having a connection with these guys I felt close to them.  That's what kept me doing it over and over again.  I can't tell you how many men I have slept with.  The next day, the crash, when they left and never called again.  Wow, that sucked big time.  I felt so terrible about myself.  I knew I was cheating on him, I knew that this was unappropriate in my society and expecially for my gender.  But the high was so powerful that it over powered the crash.  So I kept doing it until one day I just decided I wasn't going to do it anymore.  I was losing friends, I wasn't doing well in school, and my self-esteem wasn't so low since I was a child.  That was it, I quit cold turkey.  Now there were a few times when I nearly went back but realized I would be just in the cycle of high and crash all over again.
I am so glad that I stopped.  It's been over 2 years now where I have been only sleeping with people I date minus a few slip ups.  I have not been back on the site.  I try desperately to not sleep with someone on the first date.
The guy I am with now, I slept with on the first date, I didn't want to but he was so sensual and so was I and I was drunk, I felt like shit about it the next day but luckily it turned out very well.  We have spent nearly every single weekend together after that.  I adore this man and am falling in love with him.
I am so nervous because if I could cheat on my ex who I was supposed to love with all my heart then I did that to him?  I am supposed to be a good person?  I told him I would break up with him before I did anything, and I didn't.  How am I supposed to trust anyone else if I can't trust myself? 
Right now he is sitting with her at the airport.  Now I just called and they are sitting on the bench apparently by the service station.  Now I know I should trust him but it's really hard.  I miss him and just want him in my arms again. I want him to show me that he cares and that he is attracted to me and wants to be with me and only me.  I want to tell him my past but I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that he won't trust me and why should he except that I've learned my lesson and would never ever do that again.  I learned the hard way.  But then again maybe he will undersand why I am so afraid.  I don't know what to do.  I mean the past is in the past but I want to be honest with him.  Oh well I'll stick with not telling him for now.  I've been tested and so has he so I know that I am not putting him in any danger or that I am in any danger.
Oh well, he says he'll call me once he gets through security.  I just want to hold him in my arms again.  I miss him terribly.