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You give someone your heart, your life, your soul...and what do they do? they throw it all away. It doesnt matter to them. He knows how much I love him...everyone knows how much I love him. He knows how deeply and madly I love him.
He knows im afraid of losing him. He knows I get insecure...he knows i need the reassurance at times. He knows i trust him with all i have in me. I can trust him with my life. I love him with everything i have in me. I've loved him without holding back even for a second.
I gave him my heart without any reservations. He was the guy i loved, the guy i wanted to be with. What was the need to hold back?
Bottomline, he broke my faith in him. He lied to me. He shattered the trust. Its an unbelievingly heartbreaking feeling to know you cant trust the one you love. This wasnt some small lie, it wasnt a small inconsequential thing. It mattered, and it mattered a lot. And he lied. And he got caught.
I thought i was broken when i lost my pup. I thought i was broken when each day without my angel got tougher for me to handle. I thought i was broken when each time i went into my room to sleep, id break into tears because my angel wasnt with me, wasnt under my bed.
So what is this now? I've hit rock bottom. It hurts. If you give someone your life, you expect to be treated with some kind of respect. I deserved to be treated with even more care now that im going through all this with the loss of my pup. He knew how depressed i was after that. And he just....
I havent talked to anyone since my angel died. He was the only one i was talking to. And this is what he does to me? He shatters me when i thought it couldnt get any worse?
And you know what the worst part is? He probably doesnt even know im this shattered and broken because i havent even called to lash out at him...i just hung up on him and thats been it. He has his exams on and I dont want this to ruin his preparation. I probably shouldnt care...i mean, let him flunk. But life sucks right? Ofcourse i care. Crap.
If you have someone who loves you truly, madly, and deeply, please, please, please dont break their trust, their faith in you.
Im sorry if this was depressing...(IF??? i know it was!!) I know it was too random, it probably didnt even make any sense. Maybe i'll delete it later.
Thanks for listening. and sorry.
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Posted by angelwings on 2008-06-02 02:53:22 | Rating: | Views: 300
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Aww Angel, honey, I feel your pain. You are a beautiful person, a beautiful angel and you don't deserve to be treated like that. Whatever he did, is done.
You won't call him yet and ruin his exam preparations - although I'm sure he deserves to be interupted. You won't do it because you are such a fantastic person.
If he cant even hear what he's done to you, then where are his ears?
I truly hope you can work it out - and that he hasnt stepped over the line of no return.
I hope that for you heart, not his.
Blog it if it helps, keep it private if you are not ready to share. But don't do this alone. You have friends here and I'm sure in your world.
Hugs to you Angel, I wish I could take away your pain.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-06-02 03:23:40
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HoeZay, that was so sweet. Thanks so much for those kind words. And dont be a stranger, and a random person, anymore :)
Thanks for those words, they reached my heart.
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-02 03:29:50
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Easy, thank you...your comments are so..calming. Its like telling me to stop and just breathe! I know i have friends here..that makes it so much easier. Thanks for being there, Easy...thanks so much.
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-02 03:31:37
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Thanks, my friend. I hope things keep getting better for you too!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-02 03:37:41
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angelwings, It made as much since as my ramblings did to me earlier today (yesterday) I guess.
I don't know what to say other than I feel really bad for you! Hope all is better soon.
Good luck!
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Posted by anotherdaze
on 2008-06-02 05:10:20
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Hey angelwings,
You honestly are a very sweet and great human being from whatever I've read. I assure you(from all my optimism and positive attitude)things are gonne be okay. And dun worry, you are NOT alone. We are here for u at thoughts.take care and I pray that you're feeling better now.Hugs
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Posted by HardThinker
on 2008-06-02 05:10:39
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Angel, you are right, you do deserve better than this.
You have such a sweet soul, I know in time you will work through this pain, you are in my thoughts :)
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Posted by Kaybee
on 2008-06-02 06:08:45
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When you get this low, the only way to go is up. It's a horrible feeling when you're way down there, but I promise you things can only get better. All very easy to say, but I have been there, many years ago, and it was the best thing happened to me as I learnt so much from it. I think you must be feeling very frustrated because you can't lash out, because of the exams, but when they are over, get it out in the open and then you can start to get over it. Good luck and blessings going your way.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-06-02 06:50:46
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Anotherdaze, thanks for that comment. And i need the luck, i guess...
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-02 08:27:06
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HardThinker, thanks for thinking so highly of me :) I do realise it'll get better...but its the hurt of "now" which is painful. and not being able to trust him really kills me...
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-02 08:28:06
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Kaybee, thanks for being there...the support i have here, at thoughts, is invaluable for me. Thanx ever so much!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-02 08:28:51
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overthehillandfaraway, HI! Thanks for stopping by! yeah, i know you are right. I can only go up from here. There's no way i can go any lower!! Thank you for the words of encouragement :)
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-02 08:30:15
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Now I feel anything I say isn't going to help after all the wonderful advice you have gotten. hang in there sweetie and I am sure that in do time the angry and saddness will lessen and you two can work thru this....Hugs to you my friend.
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-06-02 09:19:04
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Oh, Angel, how could someone be so heartless to hurt YOU??? You are so kind and thoughtful, so aware of everyone else's feelings.......don't worry at all about venting. You deserve it; you've been everyone's champion since you've been here, and I think it's high time you let someone encourage you. Amazing that, even in your anger and hurt, you are willing to suspend your right to confront him until finals are over.
I'm sure you will be more specific when you are ready, but here's to hoping this is all a misunderstanding that can be worked out in your favor. Hugs and thoughts, my dear friend.
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-06-02 09:47:33
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who is he that broke your heart angelwings? He must be a fool. any one to hurt you doesnt deserve your pain.....I could maybe find a mountain man to lay a curse on him!! what do ya say? want me to have a go at sending him boils?!?
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Posted by tonyrayhutchison
on 2008-06-02 12:05:46
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I can feel your sadness. I am sorry you are going through a tough time. I don't know the specifics but maybe blue is right and it's just a misunderstanding. Maybe he's stressed. I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. Hugs!!
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-06-02 12:58:36
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TonyRay, can you actually do that? And can you arrange for the boils to pop up in the most uncomfortable places?!
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-06-02 13:00:31
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The fact that you do care shows how deep you love ran for him. I'm sorry to hear that he let you dowm. I really wish I could say something to help. But my speciality is in listening. If you ever want to just ramble on. give me a bell :)
Youll come through a stronger person.
I have faith.
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Posted by eeerm
on 2008-06-02 15:22:07
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blue moon this is kentucky, the mountain magic is real. I'll post a blog about a love charm I remember my greatgram used to do for the single ladies in town.
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Posted by tonyrayhutchison
on 2008-06-02 17:43:02
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And, if you believe that, he has some swamp land to sell you, too:)
So, now that every woman has felt your pain and every guy and girl has told you how great you are(using the term soul), nothing more needs to be said:P Amen.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-06-02 23:54:11
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I agree with everyone, you are too nice and too sweet to deserve anything less than wonderful
and never ever apologise for revealing how you really feel...especially here in blog never never land...do not be sorry little angel, Im so glad you did not delete this, arent you?
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Posted by roe
on 2008-06-03 00:30:03
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Hollis, your words in your blogs are the most uplifting like i've already told you :) Each time I visit you, I smile...so you've already done your job!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-03 00:47:02
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Blue, that was so sweet and supporting of u! :) You really are a sweetheart! Yeah I'm sure we will work it out...but im just really disappointed in him, thats all. I hate that he's adding to my insecurities! And i havent been anyone's champion, Blue..i've just been telling people that I'm here, thats all :) So when do we go spray painting??!! That'll cheer me up!!!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-03 00:49:46
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Tony, thats so sweet :) A mountain man to lay a curse?! Not boils though...i still love him :) Just make him see what a jerk he's been, make him see that you arent supposed to break the trust of a person you love...just make him see, tony :(
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-03 00:55:34
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Prelude, although it isnt a misunderstanding, I do know we'll work it out. I know its not over...it just makes it hard for me to trust him now for a while. And thats not a good thing since this is a long distance relationship. Not being able to trust him really hurts. And its horrid to have things play on your mind...
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-03 00:57:26
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Aww Blue, you have your imagination running wild, dont ya? ;) We could arrange the boils for Scott though!!!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-03 00:58:13
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