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Life is a mixture of ups and downs its like a song of a tweaker rock chick. One minute she’s singing about death, heartbreak and murder the next she sings about love and flowers and partying. You never even get the chance to adjust the mood before she’s off on another path of life. How is one supposed to live like that and be expected to act and think normal. Just as soon as you get used to one situation life walks up slaps you in the face and laughs as you sit there trying to figure out what the fuck happened and try with out hope to put the pieces together as fast as you can.
I sit here looking around me and i think of all the decisions i have made this past year. I joined the navy, i got out of the navy, i started job, i dated one guy just to end up breaking up with him like i always do. i started dating my ex from year ago and now i want to break up with him, i am starting college, and i am going to be living in dorms.
sometimes i wonder if i am really fucked up in the head. I keep going for the same type of guys. losers. they seem so great, then about a week after i start dateing them they seem to drive me insane. its not like they're bad guys, i just get bored easily. and do this every time without fail. the guy i am dating right now. well he's a sweet guy but everything about him drives me up the wall. he is so mushy and lovy that i feel like he has me up on some fucking pedestel. he is so submisive to. no matter what my opinion it seems that he agrees with it. even though i know that he really hates it. he is always saying i love you every chance he gets. and don't get me wrong i like hearing those words but it just seems so unreal coming from him. and i can't say i love him. i don't even want to have sex with him. which for me is extreamly strange since i love sex.
I wish guys wouldn't fall in love with me so easily. i asked my best friend why guys always fall in love with me. since he was up until recently in love with me himself. and he just said its because i am so confident in my skin. that i am hot, and that i make guys feel wonderful just by who i am. i don't personaly understand it. it seems that i can't even be friends with guys without them being infatuated with me unless their gay. even then i have had gay guys that have never been with a girl or even look at a girl, tell me that they would turn straight just to be with me. WTF dude!!!??? i don't get it. i don't get along with girls so all i have is guy friends and they all like me. it gets anoying. and i know what you must be thinking "quite complaining, your lucky" but i just wish sometimes that a guy could just be friends with me without wanting to fuck me or date me. my best friend was in love with me for a year and a half before he finaly snapped out of it. now our friendship is great.
love is such a fucked up thing sometimes. i have only been in love twice, the first time i was almost 16 and met josh he was joining the army. we stayed together for about 6 months after he went in.. till the letters stopped coming. i found out a couple months later that he had been killed. it took me a 1 1/2 years to get over him. then mason came along. that ended two years. we were engaged to be married when i found out i was pregnant. and i knew that he would ask me to have an abortion. i never even told him i was pregnant. then three months into it i had a miscarage and left him. now i am wondering if i can love again. if i will find a guy that will be the one. i hope i do. but i am afraid to love again. i am afraid to be hurt yet again. all i have been able to find is a wimsy fake imitation of it in the random guys i end up dating or sleeping with.
i would say what i normally say but i know that it won't be true. i know it will happen. i will end up dateing and going threw relationships and wondering why i keep doing it. my problem is i am easily charmed into believing that a guy is actually sweet and caring. and then i reallise he is just a fucking wimp. ok i guess i have ranted enough for one night. good night to everyone. blessed be. |
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Posted by angels_eyes on 2008-01-22 02:21:34 | Rating: | Views: 85
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It looks like all the answers to your questions are right here in your blog. breathe one breath at a times, live one day at a time. good luck
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Posted by ron8000
on 2008-01-27 00:14:44
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