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I am a survivor of a recent rape, as recent as a week ago. The man who did this to me is the husband of a friend. I have chosen not to report it because of all the backlash it will create. My son goes to preschool with this man's child. I simply cannot go through all the looks, stares and finger pointing nor can I subject my child to this. I'm not sure how others deal with this and I'm sure I'm not doing a very good job but its the best I can do for now.
My friend has been after me to 'come over' and I am running out of lies to tell her. What more can I say? I am using every excuse known to me and am just at a loss of what to say anymore. What do I say now??? "Sorry.....I can't join you today for an outing because your husband raped me the other night".
I don't know how this happened, I really don't. I didn't have on sexy clothing. I wasn't drinking. I didn't have candles and romantic music on. He had told me he needed to talk to me about my friend and since she has a birthday coming up, I assumed it was about that. I should have know something was wrong when he kept complimenting me on things he should'nt have been. He kept touching me and moving close. When he put his hands on my thigh I knew I was in trouble. I moved away and he kept coming at me. He did this terrible thing to me as I begged him to stop. I couldn't yell for fear someone would hear me, so I cried. I said "NO" a hundred times. I begged more and cried more, but nothing seemed get through to this man. It was like he was in another time zone or another world. He was oblivious to my sobs and pleadings. What could he possibly have gotten out of that? There was no intimacy. No emotion other than hate. There were no loving words. There was nothing but a terrified woman fighting and crying. I once read that it isn't the sex that a rapist wants, but the power over his victim. Did he want this power over me? Why? What did I ever do to him that he felt it necessary to do this? Are all men like this? Do they have an internal need to control women, to have power over us? I am scared I will find out that all men are like this. That they all have some sick need to be the master and to grind us into the ground.
I called a hotline to talk to someone. I just needed to speak with somone, anyone that would give me support, even someone annonymous. A voice answered the phone and although her initial advice was to report him, she understood my reasons why I felt I couldn't. She has encouraged me to write and talk about it to get it 'out' of my system. She told me to keep it all inside is to poison myself. I have chosen to write. I have no one to talk to. I am afraid that to tell one person would be to tell the world. Supose that one person told another, it would snowball and I can't sit around and worry about that either. So I write on a blogging site to thousands of total strangers. Will anyone care? I have no idea! Will it make a difference to me? Absolutely!
So I will make my 'therapy sessions' on here and I hope they won't be bothersome to anyone. They are for my healing and for no other reason.
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Posted by angelinmylife on 2008-08-03 19:51:44 | Rating: | Views: 50
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Sweetie..YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!! He crossed the line and took what he wanted. Please let go of the guilt you feel about this event. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. You can go over this in your mind a million times trying to figure out what role you played. Chances are he had this in mind when he came over. Sometimes women are vulnerable and likely as not..he had been watchng you to figure out how you would react. Likely as not..he knew you would not tell your friend or report it. That is fine..that is your choice. However to go back around him..would be to say it is okay by you and he may try to repear..that does happen. Cool your heels with your friend..tell her you are busy with something else..family, hobby, reading, writin, studying..I don't know..but find something. You will be okay. Put your thoughts out there and don't worry about critics.
peace :) shemelts
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Posted by shemelts
on 2008-08-04 08:28:24
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