Honestly, I knew before I even got outta be this morning that I would screw up. I had a drug dream last night. For those of you who don't know .... this is a dream that recovering addicts have about using again. If it was just " a dream" I wouln't be talking about it now. Recovering addicts react to things differently than other people do. Smells, songs, sometimes places trigger the "demon" to rise in you.

I had a Dream about using last night. It was so vivid that I woke up with the dope itch in me. I woke up this morning what I've always called Whacked. I did heaping masses of laundy ... scrubbed things that did not need scrubbing ... organized things that didn't need organizing... you get the idea.

I took my kids swimming to get us all outta the house and away from from what I was feeling. It worked for the most part, but when we got home ... IT was waiting for me at the door!! So I cracked open a beer as a shield. This is my life now. This is what I've become!!

Yes, I failed!! I failed miserably ... but for a good reason?? Does that make sense? Meth ate me away from the inside out ... it took away any feeling inside of me big or small. I never felt anything. No Love, no hate, no happy, no sad, no hunger, no fatigue, no passion .... nothing.

Meth addiction is like running from the deepest darkest most terrifying place that a soul can imagine .... if you stop slow down or God forbid you fall ... it will eat you with sharp gnashing teeth!! You can't slow down or it will get you. When it GETS you ... you want to die. You need to die. You can't even think of one single reason why you SHOULDN'T die. There is nothing that means enough to you at that point for you to even TRY to fight it.

I can't tell you how agonizing it is. You have kids ... family ... friends ... they don't even enter into your mind. You just have to escape IT!! If you can, by some miracle, escape that demon... you live to run again. Literally!! Thats what you live to do .... start all over. The chase begins anew!!

So today... I will let myself drink. I will drink to escape the larger demon that chases me. God I hope drinking is enough!!