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| So Why Am I So Miserable Still ...??
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How long has it been?
Months and months....
May as well have been years.
So many things have changed for me ... and yet everything is the same.
I went through a really dificult time just after my last blog.
My husband & I recently took over our friends business.
He had gotten into some pretty serious trouble in another state before we met him and it finally caught up with him.
We agreed to run his construction company for him til he got released.
Neither of us wanted to let him down, so we threw ourselves 100% into his business.
We became co-workers and nothing more.
This was especially hard for me, because I was already struggling with the solitude of my marriage.
I felt like I was alone in my battle for sobriety. It wasn't so much that he didn't support my decision to get clean ....
it was more that he HINDERED me efforts to do so.
I naturally turned to the outside world for comfort.
I turned to Mike.
I knew where to find him ... and I did.
I knew what he would say and how he would receive me.
He did not let me down.
He sat quietly and listened as I ranted and raved about my miserable life.
He let me cry on his shoulder for as long as I needed to.
He made me laugh when that was what I needed to do.
He ranted and raved about his life on the nights that I was just too broken to talk.
He reminded me that I was a good person ... I was simply making bad decisions at the time.
He told me that I was beautiful and smart and clever ( he just so happened to remember that CLEVER is my favorite word
in the english language.)
Every single thing that I needed at that low point in my life ... he gave to me.
He was wonderful and perfect and I was reminded yet again of why I love him so.
We were everything that we knew we would be .... and yet still unable to BE.
Up until the last meeting we never even sat next to each other.
We never touched in any way .... until the last night.
There was an anniversary party at the bar that last night. They pushed all the tables in the whole place to the far side,
leaving only the actual bar and barstools for the rest of us. I had no choice but to sit mashed in next to him. It was more that we could handle from the very first second.
We made uncomfortable small talk while pounding down drinks. ANYTHING TO KEEP OUR MINDS OFF OF THE FACT THAT OUR SHOULDERS WERE TOUCHING!! Once we were nice and plowed the nervous tension melted away. We began to smile and laugh ..... There was no turning back from there.
Funny the things you remember in hindsight.
I remember turning in my stool to face him as he spoke, I was trying so hard to listen to what he was saying, but couldn't. All I could think about was touching him. And so thats what I did ....
As he raged about his ex-mother-in-law .... I reached out and layed my hand on his shoulder.
He fell silent in mid word.
We just sat there looking at each other, and then he layed his hand on my face.
Such small things, but you can't possibly know how amazing it was.
The conversation turned serious when we were finally able to speak again. All the things we'd never put into words .... all the things we've KNOWN but never said to one another came tumbling out.
We talked about our love and admiration for hours, but when closing time came things changed.
Mike walked me to my car and we said goodnight like always.
He turned to go to his car and I lost it.
Oh yeah, I threw myself at him. I just needed to him to put his arms around me and hold me tight just once.
The hug became hugs ... hugs became embraces .... embraces became carresses .... and then we kissed.
And we kissed .. and kissed ... and kissed.
Had it all ended there, I might still have the dream of MIKE.
We made the mistake of talking between kisses. It was then that we both realized that we weren't making plans. All the love and desire we had for each other ... but neither of us were ready or willing to anything about it. Maybe it was that realization or maybe we were simply sobering up by then, but either way logic and reason crept their way back to us right about then.
We expressed our undying love and kissed once more and then turned and walked away. We haven't met up again since that night just before Christmas.
I know that he loves me ... and he knows that I love him... that will never change.
If my marriage fails and I get a divorce it will be because my husband and I can no longer make our marriage work. I will not leave
because I think things would be better with someone else. After 15 years of marriage he and I owe that to each other.
I told my husband that I spent time with someone else and that we'd kissed.
We decided to work on our marriage and things have been getting better.
So why am I so very miserable still ......?
Havok
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Posted by angehavok on 2008-02-03 02:18:20 | Rating: | Views: 196
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