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Someone once said that beauty walks a razor's edge, and i think the only thing that might fit better there is truth - the great reality, the fully conscious expression of what is,
Someone once asked me what I thought Truth was - and i told them that truth was not pain. The great driving tensions of pain and suffering - mental & physical, subtle and gross, pain is a force that moves you, like a spiralling vortex of matter and energy towards a singularity, into Truth,
The incommunicable. Something has been opening up within me, something opens up within all of us, the unfolding thought-petals of our lives, into a luminous consciousness that burns and burns away the untruth.
Maybe at first you could say this is the Self - our self is this great blooming flower of reality, expanding itself into understanding,
but man, after your 'self' becomes universal, hah, well, there went the name, right?
i watched it happen, watched the unyielding flame consume all the particulars of viewpoint until
what is left looks very much like universality, and right now i'm hurting, which means i've missed something,
because right now is when you are supposed to construct an ego, and instead i've been deconstructing anything smelling of the word,
and i have a feeling i might end up crazily walking down streets strewn with rubbish mumbling in a million different voices, because i end up making up a new person for every situation, and it hurts me even more to know that I know the way out of hurting, the way to live without suffering, but can't follow it [imagine it, like Moses on Sinai, visions of the Promised Land, then dying]
Hm, I may have dipped off into rambling, but that is a good word to describe me. I guess you could say, like Shams of Tabriz, that I'm looking for a companion, because the layers and lakes of me just aren't quite relating to each other correctly. Man, I wish he would show up and drop all my learning into a well to never be seen again,
But I'm caught in many nets, and none of them will be changed with more or higher knowledge, I've had all of that there is, and something else nags at me to say that i'm being honest in the deep sense of the word in all i say here, because i am afraid of not being honest, not about small lies but about deeper insincerity, incongruency, hypocrisy, lying of the spirit, that is what i am afraid people will ascribe to me, but above all i wish to be honest with you, whoever you may be (including me, i im the only one who ever comes back and reads these, hah)
Hey, you infinite, come heal mine,
love, andy
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Posted by andyrig on 2008-01-03 18:38:58 | Rating: | Views: 74
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Im sure I will come back to read this.
I love your description of pain.
Its very beautiful.
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Posted by giau
on 2008-01-04 02:30:24
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