Thoughts.com Blogs - First Couple of Grades.

View Blog

First Couple of Grades.

This blog contains Explicit Content. Are you sure you want to view it?
Yes, I want to view it!

Alright so: a little story.

Some day when there is more time and I'm less excited about everything, I'll explain this story in much greater detail. But... I was a strait A student, got into drugs, got out of school but still managed to pass highschool at somewhat the top of my class. Then I got to university, alcoholism set in, and let's just say my marks suffered accordingly. So I took a year off from school to get my life together and try and get back on track.

This year, I'm back... still smoking way too much dope, but doing much better school wise. So the other night I was sitting around with my parents and decided to check to see if I had the chance of getting my 1.5 GPA necessary to stay in school. I was working it out wrong, but the way I was doing it it seemed as though there was NO chance that I could have done that well because I failed this one class. I was upset; to say the least.

SO I get home 5 minutes ago to check my marks, and I got a B+ and a B-. This may not seem like a great feat to anyone else out there, but the only B+ and B-'s that were in my future a year ago would have been the type of blood used to bring me back from an overdose.

I am so proud of myself. I'm doing it. I'm getting my life back on track.

The sad part was as soon as I saw the marks I wanted to call someone and tell them, tell them that I'm doing well and I'm smarter than I thought! But I coudln't think of anyone. Nobody who would be proud. No body who would even care. I mean, not to be melodramatic or anything but I actually have no one left. My parents care sure, but I've destroyed every relationship I have outside of them. They are the only ones that still want me to be a part of their life even though I'm on the strait and narrow.

The whole time I was fucked up I would send these apology letters to my friends saying "This is the last time" and "let me proove it to you". But after a while I became the boy who cried wolf. When I told them I was ready to change, they were there for me and I let them down. But now that I have changed... they can't bring themselves to forgive me. It's a shame really, on both ends.

I've been struggling alot lately with identifying the way in which I interact with people my age. I'm always trying to prove myself to them and I don't know why. What does it matter? Who are they to tell me I'm less to them.

I think I've had an epiphany. I get it. I'm proud of ME, and that's all that matters.
I'm the most important thing in my life, cause without me it wouldn't exist.

How did it take me 20 years to figure that out? haha.

Posted by andburn on 2008-12-20 11:12:16 | Rating: