| View Blog
|
|
|
|
I need to write because sometimes all of my thoughts flood my mind too quickly and I need to stay alive. My only hope is that maybe someone will read all of this and understand that they're not out there alone. I want you to stay alive even more than myself so please let me help you live too.
This is what it feels like….
I know no one cares about me,
but I know so many people do.
No one would ever miss me
until I count the individuals that would.
I force my brain to think of them,
to watch them cry, to watch their pain.
I see them kneeling before my open coffin.
And suddenly, I can’t do it.
They’re all that stands between me and my eternal peace.
I wish we could all die – together – all at once
so there would be no pain,
but only happiness for all of us together.
Yet that can’t happen
so I am condemned to this horrible world to suffer out my natural life.
My heart is breaking, in fact it’s already split and dead.
But then why does every new day bring more suffering?
I want to be numb numb numb to everything.
I don’t care what he did to me or what she said to me
or what they didn’t ask me to do.
I don’t want to care or remember or obsess.
Who cares? Leave me alone.
But never abandon me. Make me happy.
I don’t know what happy means anymore.
Everything is a charade, a show, a play.
I’m not who you think I am
because I am a body filled with a dead soul.
My spirit deserted me a long time ago.
I used to be so fun, so outgoing, so popular
and suddenly I look back and realize no one likes me anymore.
If my soul has even gone and left me,
how could I possible maintain friendships?
Death would be my miracle of life.
I want so badly to make a different in this world and I know I can, but I really doubt if I will ever live long enough to make that difference. Do you ever think your death will accomplish more than your life would? Sometimes I just feel so worthless.
Here is the irony. I’m an advocate for life. I founded a group at college to help people with mental illness and erase the stigma. I attended a conference devoted to furthering mental illness awareness. But the entire time, I cannot wait to die.
The Stars have a song called Calendar Girl.
I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die
Calendar Girl who is lost to the world Stay Alive
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
|
You have said everything I feel but I have never been able to describe it as beautifully as you just did. As I read, My heart felt like it was breaking all over again and again tears were brought to my eyes. The only thing left to say is thank you. And I could feel the pain of your words as I read.
|
|
Posted by AmandabreeL
on 2008-01-03 03:00:54
|
|
|
|
|
i am not trying to be rude...... but do you even know who Jesus is??!?!?!?!! you say that people dont care about you and that you know that nobody loves you... NEWSFLASH!!!!!!! even through the roughest of times, Jesus will always be with you, will always love, and will always be there for you. I know that you cant see Jesus physicaly but he is still there with you spiritually. this comment was posted by amazing96, please comment me back. or email me at lexialbert@yahoo.com i care about what you have to say!!!!!!!
|
|
Posted by amazing96
on 2008-01-03 07:46:33
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Views: 93
Email This to a Friend 
