8 years ago I met a guy that I eventually fell in love with. In all those years, we had a lot of misfortune - both as a couple and individually. We lost a child due to his selfishness. I lost a teenage son to a stupid death. It all brought us closer and our love grew... or so I thought. After years of him asking and begging me to marry him - I finally said yes. I was so happy. I felt I was with my soul mate, my other half that completed me. I never felt so loved as with I was in his arms and not a day went by that I didn't feel loved. Then last weekend, my world came to a crashing end. One thing after another -- things started to click and fall into place and he finally admitted to cheating. On line chatting, porn, met a woman he entered a relationship with. He claims it was only sex but not only did he see her for almost 9 months, he had her at his work and in my home. He lied to me, cheated on me and broke my heart. I can't and won't ever trust him again. He swears he's sorry and loves me - that he was wrong but I can't bring myself to see past the lies and broken vows. I know he knew how much those vows meant to me - how much I needed that fidelity. I have never loved another as much as I love Ken. My heart is so broken, I can't think clearly. I can't function and all he wants is for life to go on as normal. He can't see past "i'm sorry and I won't do it again". That means nothing - he looked me in the eyes for almost a year and lied to me without a thought.
Then I saw her picture. I don't for a second claim to be a model or beautiful but I don't understand how he was with her. What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I put all my dreams and hopes on hold in order for him to pursue his. I worked a job I hate to earn enough money in order for him to work PT and go back to college. I love him but I hate him at the same time.
He wants us to go to therapy but I can't understand why ... I was faithful to him. I remained a good wife. I never strayed, even with opportunity. I was 100% devoted to my husband. The entire time he was laying in bed with her and talking to me on the phone.
I hurt so much, I want to die. The only thing keeping me from that is the fact I believe it's a sin and I won't see my child again. I can't allow that. I can't function. I cry all the time. I can't do the simplest task with breaking down and all I want if for it to end.
Why? Where did I go wrong? I always thought I was a good judge of character ... now I can't even understand why I never saw it. My heart is so broken -- I feel so empty. The thought of trusting another man is so far gone -- without trust, how can you rebuild a life? a love? a marriage? Do I give him a chance? Do I save what little self respect  have left and run in the opposite direction and be alone?
This is a hell of a time to be sober!