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Time Now: 5:59am. I haven’t had much of a decent night sleep since I left the hospital 6 weeks ago. Every night seems to be the same no matter what time I fall asleep. My eyes are closed but I can hear the wind knocking at the window and I don’t have to open my eyes to know its only 2am. I open them anyway just to see if I am right. No, I tell myself, you can do this…I roll over and try to find a comfortable position. I find one that will work fine enough and close my eyes again trying to ignore the pain that is creeping through my hip and down my leg. 3am passes and then 4am. At 5am, the cat who is quite excited that I am awake begins screaming at me. He thinks I should get up and feed him. I lay in bed wondering what I can throw at him to make him go away. Too late…I am up now. I get up and go into the kitchen to feed the animals and make myself a cup of coffee. Then I eat a bowl of cereal and watch the news.
It has gone on like this for so many weeks now and I am trying to break the cycle. I don’t allow myself to fall asleep during the day, I don’t drink anything past 7pm….all in hopes that I can sleep soundly enough through the night. Plus side to not sleeping: watching your husband sleep like an angel. Besides – no need for two “grumps” in the house.
I had started back to work two weeks ago. The first week went pretty well. I worked in the mornings. The second week, I tried to work all day. I thought I was listening to my body and that it was telling me it was okay. I know now that I was not listening at all. I was not ready to go back full time. Why I push myself so hard sometimes, I will never know. I had to take a step back and yesterday we decided that I would work half days again for the week and decide what to do next from there. What am I so worried about? Money? No, we are absolutely fine. My job? No, everyone is so incredibly supportive there. Could it be boredom or guilt that I am not doing enough for my students? I have always been a hard worker. I don’t have to worry about more chemo or radiation. Everyone is praying along with us that Larry, Moe, and Curly remain stabilized. So I should not worry about anything but getting better. I bet I can hear you telling me that as you read this. I should be doing nothing, but taking care of myself. I am sure if there was a grade for that I would receive a D. D is for diploma I tell myself when I think about it, but I need to do better. After all, I am not a D student. Sitting here at the computer before the sun has come up, I (think) know that I need to do better by myself. I need to do NOTHING. I need to worry less about making sure others are ok. My family is fine, my job is fine, my students are fine, and my friends are fine. I should not be the one checking in on them. Let them check in on me. You are all there for me, I really know that. If I could only communicate verbally as well as I do on paper…
We saw the surgeon last week. He said my incision looked fine and that I would see him again in 3 months. I completely forgot to ask him if I could see “Mr. Lumpy”. I am going to email him and ask if he can email me a picture. I can’t help it. This tumor lived in me, grew in me, ‘sucked’ away so many of my nutrients, and I really want to see him. I need to also email him about a paper they just finished. He said he wanted me to read it. It is a study that they just finished on about 90 Sarcoma patients. I am very interested and I will forward it on to you.
We see Pain Management tomorrow. It took talking to my patient advocate, sweet Emily, yesterday to get that cleared up. Long story short, I have an appointment to see a new doctor. I plan to discuss my medicine, my pain, sleeping pattern, etc. I feel confident that he/she will help me with all of our questions. I am also going to ask that they work with me to lower my dosage. Its not that I am ready to do that now; no. I don’t have a clue how to do that and I would like him/her to call me weekly to talk with me about how it is going to and when to lower the dosage is all.
Above all of this, I am so happy to be moving along. I can feel myself getting stronger every day and I can’t wait to run around (it is quite a funny site right now) and to play “Dance, Dance, Revolution”. I had just gotten that game over Christmas and I am not going to let Sean continue to beat me at it. I also can not wait for the water to warm up so I can swim. Swimming will help build my muscle strength and I look forward to strengthening that leg and learning how to drive again. I really do not miss driving as much as I miss the freedom to drive anywhere at any time.
Continue to pray for us, for me. Things may take time, but in time all will work out. It has already been an amazing ride and I couldn’t have done it with out you. By the way, I have your cancer shirts. Please call me so you can come by. I would drive to you if I could, I promise. If you live in Houston or further, I promise I am going to mail them off to you. (Along with like 10 other errands that I need to run). Please send in your checks. I will not be making the donation until March because I am selling them at the “Farmers Market” that Evia Properties is having. If you haven’t bought a shirt, PLEASE buy one. They are only $15 and Sarcoma really needs your donation. The shirts are made really well and the writing comes in a cool pink or an awesome blue. I have sizes S-4XL.
I can see the light peering through the window blinds now and I need a refill on my coffee. Take Care and know that I am thinking of you all!
Sending my love and warm fuzzies!!
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Posted by amandahawes on 2008-02-26 08:04:45 | Rating: | Views: 276
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