alparker urn:uuid:44f448d3-ca3a-a146-ae11-a4c79da12077 2009-03-17T12:33:31-04:00 alparker HAPPY ST PADDY'S DAY!!! urn:uuid:cb4da491-1ff9-3b1c-56c4-b58421f18c7c 2009-03-17T12:33:31-04:00 CHICKEN BUS urn:uuid:86029635-db07-e49d-37b9-ddb5e935db00 2009-03-16T12:06:16-04:00
Beautiful sunny start to the day here! I think it´s going to be HOT. I´m heading back to the aquarium shortly. Want to be there when they open and catch a couple of shows. And I want to bring a lens that I didn’t use my first time there. Not sure what happens after that. Probably will try to find something to do out of the sun.
]]> ARE SHRIMP A DIET FOOD? urn:uuid:079937a6-e6fd-4c25-fb8c-64bb8aff928b 2009-03-15T01:31:37-04:00
If I crawl out of bed early enough, I might head down to the bus depot and do an out of town trip, probably to Copala. You all have a great Saturday night.
]]> IT'S RAINING IN MAZATLAN!! urn:uuid:a2a6962b-137e-cea1-dba9-74097048b68b 2009-03-14T14:41:51-04:00 Nothing heavy, just gentle little shower. Kind of nice if it doesn´t go on forever. Not too much accomplished yesterday; I think I burned myself out a little on Thursday. Mastered the bus system,  or at least what I have to master. So I went downtown to the market, and then walked around the old area for a while. Brunch at El Shrimp Bucket, then decided to get out of the heat and hopped a bus back to the hotel. Hid out for a while and started walking downtown after dark. It was longer than I thought, so grabbed a cab for the last half of it. Checked out a couple of places; had a few beer and some fish and chips. Back in the room by midnight. Aren{t I an exciting person??

BIG surf this morning across the street woke me up. Just had hotcakes and I´m going to jump a bus down to the port area.

Talk to you all later.

Al

]]> HOLA MIS AMIGOS urn:uuid:8967943d-eba2-ce11-48b9-cf3436b0d0c2 2009-03-13T12:20:01-04:00
Little hiccup at the Maz airport. An older couple seemed to have some sort of passport problem, and that held the line up for almost an hour. By the time we got through immigration, all the luggage was available for pick up, so not a big advantage for all my efforts to fit everything into carry on.

Something new at the airport. After getting through immigration and collecting luggage, we had to go through metal detectors and have luggage x-rayed. Then there is still the red/light / green light.

I opted for a collectiva instead of a taxi. Waited another half hour for the driver to gather up enough people to head into town. When we finally got going there were two Albertans who now live in Maz full time, but had gone home to do the tax thing, one Mexican, five lovely little spring breakers, myself, and somehow we found room to the driver. Got a nice tour out of it. This driver decided to start at the furthest part of Maz and work his way back downtown. I ended being second to last to get dropped off.

The hotel Aquamarina is decent enough for the price. I´m across the street from the Malecon, which I learned is the biggest in Latin America at 15kms, and I{m directly over the pool. Nice big room. Clean, and the AC, plumbing, TV all work. Bed is the usual rock hard Mexican bed. Fairly decent restaurent and a small bar that doesn´t seem to get much use.

One the down side: The pool is very small and doesn{t get used much. I{ve pretty well got a jungle out my window, so not much of a view. On the other hand, some shading isn{t a bad thing. The only big dissapointment is the balcony. There is one, I suppose, but when you open the patio windows there is a whole 16 INCHES of balconey. Not sure why they bothered.

Had supper at the hotel Wed night, then off to the supermarket to stock up one some things.

Yesterday I headed off to find the aquarium. Started walking down the Malecon, in the wrong direction of course. Oh well, I went for a nice walk. Had lunch in a decent restaurent, then flagged down a pulmonia. That{s when I found out the aquarium is only about fifteen minute walk from my hotel, if only I had headed in the right direction.

But, what a jem!! Beautiful park with tons of shade. Two very nicely done aquarium buildings, and a large aviary that one can walk through, once one figures out how the doors work. I spent about half an hour in there and got attacked by a big white pelican, a large, noisy parrot (there were about fifty of them in there, so I suppose I was lucky they didn{t gang up on me, and some small, very agressive ducks. Saw a lovely parrot show. Don{t know if the birds or the ladies handling them were more attractive. I took pictures of both! They also have seal lion shows, and a show with some of the larger fish. Might have to go back there. Oh, and there{s an area with crocodiles and sea turtles, but they wouldn{t let me in there.

It was late afternoon by the time I got back to the hotel. Had a couple of well deserved marguertitas in the lobby, then spent the rest of my evening in the room. Had a goodly quantity of tequila, but never ventured out for dinner.

Woke up before dawn today. Made some coffee and took it across the street to the Malecon. Just sat and watched the people walking, running, jogging, biking, skating, etc. Everyone seemed to be moving except me.

When I[m done on the computer I think I{ll try the hotel´s breakfast buffet, then head to El Centro. Probably hit the market and the cathedral today. Should really try to get hold of my friend the cab driver, too.

I think Maz is starting to grow on me. Very different atmosphere than <PV, not nearly as touristy. LOTS of Americans and Canadians living here for at least part of the year. Cost of living is quite a bit less than PV from what I can see.

Now to go see about that buffet. Talk to you all later.
]]> HOLA urn:uuid:2a3501e2-89f2-246b-7c9b-e3b5174d3572 2009-03-13T11:34:13-04:00 A LITTLE VACATION urn:uuid:f00dc366-7d5f-9ecd-7e7a-2326197405b6 2009-03-10T09:09:37-04:00
BTW, as it's -35 here this morning, I'm REALLY looking forward to that warmth and sunshine!
]]> ON GETTING OLD urn:uuid:8d94d22d-5596-cb85-1ff6-ffe79c9344b3 2009-03-06T23:24:11-05:00

It's Hell Getting Old 

    Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! 

    An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. 

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' 

   The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. 

   The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this "first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 

   Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

  'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' 

   The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'   the old man replied, 'Yep none of us could get the jar open..

 

 

]]> TELL ME IT AIN'T SO...................... urn:uuid:96653062-42ef-ec37-037b-a0c602093602 2009-03-05T19:44:34-05:00 Public Service Announcement:


Due to the recent economic crisis, stock market crash, budget cuts, rising unemployment, unstable world conditions, the cost of insurance, electricity, petroleum, and taxes of all kinds, we regret to advise you that the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.  We apologize for the inconvenience

]]> SENSITIVE urn:uuid:48985731-d9b7-77cc-a8ac-19c2e17dba86 2009-02-28T16:23:54-05:00 Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower:  Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
 
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do it.'
 
'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
 
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' '
 
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
 
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
 
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says.  'When she answered the door, I said to her, you

must be Cooter's widow.'
 
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
 
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
 
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

]]> DIET ADVICE urn:uuid:60cc8e31-3f02-6797-5a82-e4a646cc9bf6 2009-02-28T16:09:55-05:00
Q:  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good  for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste
them on exercise.  Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart
will not make  you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.

-------------------  ---------------------------------------------------
Q:  Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise
program?
A:  Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad
for you?

------------------------------------------------------------ ----------
Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets b igger. You
should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans!  Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!


Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is  good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifest yle?
A: Hey!  'Round' is a shape!
And  remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a  Ride'

AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer  heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than
Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats
and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.








]]> SCOTTISH HUMOUR urn:uuid:d87cb343-b2ff-1e5b-4ad2-46ac14de3548 2009-02-28T16:07:05-05:00
One day a Scotsman  who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10
years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's
certainly
not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule
out
the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit , there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him,
'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar.'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Scotsman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Ach no,' said the man,
'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scottish
Whiskey?'
asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a
pocket
there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. ''Tis nectar of the gods!'
stated
the Scotsman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed,
'Jesus,
Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there,
too!'



]]> ATTENTION PARENTS! urn:uuid:23fd2468-f4d3-306c-afd7-a2036313a638 2009-02-28T16:00:07-05:00
                        APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
                       
                        NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
                       
                        NAME____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________
                       
                        HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  OP_____________
                       
                        INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________  DRIVERS LICENSE ________________
                       
                        BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
                       
                        HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  POSTCODE______
                       
                        Do you have parents?                     ___Yes  ___No
                        Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No
                        If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
                                             _____________________________________________________________
                       
                        Number of years they have been married ______________________________
                       
                        If less than your age, explain
                              ____________________________________________________________________
                       
                        ACCESSORIES SECTION:
                       
                        A. Do you own or have access to a van?        __Yes  __No
                       
                        B. A truck with oversized tires?                     __Yes  __No
                       
                        C. A waterbed?                                           __Yes  __No
                       
                        D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?         __Yes  __No
                       
                        E. A tattoo?                                                 __Yes  __No
                       
                        F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,             __Yes  __No
                        pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
                       
                        (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
                        AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
                       
                        ESSAY SECTION:
                       
                        In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
                              ______________________________________________________________
                              ______________________________________________________________
                       
                        In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
                              ______________________________________________________________
                              ______________________________________________________________
                       
                        In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
                              ______________________________________________________________
                              ______________________________________________________________
                       
                        REFERENCES SECTION:
                       
                        Church you attend ___________________________________________________
                       
                        How often you attend ________________________________________________
                       
                        When would be the best time to interview your:
                       
                        Father?  _____________
                       
                        Mother?_____________
                       
                        Priest or Pastor? _____________
                       
                        SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
                       
                        Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
                       
                        A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
                              ______________________________________________________________
                       
                        B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
                              ______________________________________________________________
                       
                        C: A woman's place is in the:
                              ______________________________________________________________
                       
                        D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
                              ______________________________________________________________
                       
                        E. What do you want to be IF you grow up?  _______________________________
                       
                              ______________________________________________________________
                       
                        F:  When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
                              ______________________________________________________________
                       
                        G:  What is the current going rate of a hotel room?  __________________________
                       
                        I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
                        THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
                        INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
                        CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS
                       
                        _________________________________________________________
                        Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

                        _______________________________      ________________________________
                        Mother's Signature                                              Father's Signature
                       
                        _______________________________      ________________________________
                        Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                                            State or Federal Government Representative
                        _______________________________      (Their stamp goes here )
                        Notary Public
                       
                        Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
                        Please allow four to six years for processing.
                       
                        You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not try to call or write.  If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.  (You might watch your back)
                       
                        To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
                       
                        Daddy's Rules for Dating
                        Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
                       
                        Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
                       
                        Rule Two:
                        You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. 
                       
                        Rule Three:
                        I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 
                       
                        Rule Four:
                        I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
                       
                        Rule Five:
                        It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
                       
                        Rule Six:
                        I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 
                       
                        Rule Seven:
                        As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 
                       
                        Rule Eight:
                        The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better. 
                       
                        Rule Nine:
                        Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your Universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not lie to me. 
                       
                        Rule Ten:
                        Be afraid. Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine. 

]]> IS THIS TRUE?? urn:uuid:d87f8a93-18e9-4986-bd4f-164fa898b2d8 2009-02-28T12:24:52-05:00 Women:


 When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
 women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
 you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.


 Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
 leaving the stall.


 You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has
 been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
 modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom , no doubt) is handy, but
 empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but
 there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
 ( Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
 down your pants, and assume "The Stance".


 In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
 You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
 seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."


 To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
 discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can
 hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the
 seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake
 more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday
 the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your
 neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at
 the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest
 way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail


 Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
 hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
 chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
 toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
 precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
 footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is
 wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
 Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life
 form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
 not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that
 your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're
 certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
 frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could
 get."


 By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
 confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
 against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
 covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush
 somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
 empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this
 point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet
 seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in
 your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.


 You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
 sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk
 past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile
 politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a
 piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you
 NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's
 hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit,
 you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's
 restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your
 purse hanging around your neck?"


 This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
 (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
 what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
 asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
 other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex
 under the door!


 This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
 accurately!]]> ONE MORE................... urn:uuid:2682c3c2-495b-67b7-2e28-a4f7b181b921 2009-02-28T01:57:48-05:00
CANADIAN JOKE # 1                                                         
                                                                           
 After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided
 to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, 
 I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a  
 bottle from the shelf and gives it to him..                               
                                                                           
 The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one..          
                                                                           
 The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain 
 spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.                               
                                                                           
 The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."        
 The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.     
 The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you    
 drinking a Molson's?"                                                     
                                                                           
 The Molson Canadian president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't
 drinking beer, neither would I."                                          
                                                                           
 CANADIAN JOKE #2                                                          
                                                                           
 A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.  
 His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer 
 for?"                                                                     
                                                                           
 "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.                                  
                                                                           
 "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."                                        
                                                                           
 CANADIAN JOKE #3                                                          
                                                                           
 An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and    
 asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a      
 Newfie?"                                                                  
                                                                           
 "Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out  
 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.."                              
                                                                           
 He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the
 neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's 
 brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.       
                                                                           
 He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's   
 bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient  
 was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there
 was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I       
 accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."                                  
                                                                           
 The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"              
                                                                           
 CANADIAN JOKE #4                                                          
                                                                           
 Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?          
                                                                           
 The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the
 pins and throwing them back.                                              
                                                                           
 CANADIAN JOKE #5                                                          
                                                                           
 In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of   
 poor snowmobiling.                                                        
                                                                           
 CANADIAN JOKE #6                                                          
                                                                           
 One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub      
 together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they  
 were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their  
 pints.                                                                    
                                                                           
 The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American     
 fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if  
 nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started
 shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU          
 BASTARD!!!"                                                               
                                                                           
 CANADIAN JOKE #7                                                          
                                                                           
 A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some   
 pepper.                                                                   
                                                                           
 "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.                     
                                                                           
 "Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.                                   
                                                                           
 CANADIAN JOKE #8                                                          
                                                                           
 An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They  
 were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died   
 before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the    
 American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and     
 nurses present asked him what happened.                                   
                                                                           
 "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a    
 beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at
 the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too 
 young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to     
 earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the  
 next thing I knew I was back here."                                       
                                                                           
 "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the  
 other two?"                                                               
                                                                           
 "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the  
 price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."        
                                                                           
 Send these on to all of your Canadian friends to give them all a good     
 laugh...EH?!                                                              
                                                                           

]]> I'M SORRY, ANOTHER ONE. urn:uuid:2bee50f6-b07c-446e-9efc-fb7b2d5522b3 2009-02-28T01:39:36-05:00  values Stu said,                                                          
 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'             
 'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
]]> ANOTHER PROVINCE TO PICK ON. urn:uuid:4106792b-b10e-8ca7-ab1b-22424fb2892c 2009-02-28T00:59:40-05:00
            A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. He
            shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on
            the other side of a fence.

            As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove
            up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

            The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this
            field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'



            The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not
            coming over here.'

            The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial
            attorneys in the world and if you don't let me get that duck,
            I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

            The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how
            we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small
            disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.'

            The lawyer asked Ed, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

            The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurred on my
            land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you
            kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone
            gives up.'

            The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
            decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
            abide by the local custom.

            The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked
            up to the attorney.



            His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work
            boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

            His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal
            gushing from his mouth.

            The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his
            rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

            The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to
            his feet.

            Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you
            old fart. Now it's my turn.'

                (I love this part)

            The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up!



]]> LET'S PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE urn:uuid:2c4c2513-3699-41ec-de65-df6dde498ed1 2009-02-28T00:35:39-05:00 A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

                            HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL:



                           Lobster Tail and Beer


'Lord tunderin' jaysus' he says to himself, 'me tree favourite tings!'

]]> STILL LOOKING FOR A SNOW JOKE, BUT... urn:uuid:539666a8-a2db-f7df-d171-d6c629fdc606 2009-02-28T00:31:48-05:00   differently..........                                                    
  A  rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked
  at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.                      
  “Is yer Dad home?” the rancher asked?                                    
  No sir, he ain't,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”                 
  “Well,” said the rancher, “is yer Mom here?”                             
  “No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.”          
  “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”                            
  “He went with Mom and Dad.”                                              
  The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the 
  other and mumbling to himself.                                           
  “Is there anything I can do fer ya?” the boy asked politely. “I knows    
  where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take
  message fer Dad.”                                                        
  “Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer  
  Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,     
  pregnant.”                                                               
                                                                           
  The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about     
  that,” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges 
  $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much  
  he gets fer Howard.”                                                     
]]> A CANADIAN JOKE, WHICH MEANS LITTLE TO MOST OF MY urn:uuid:349ce80d-d173-afe1-d75b-16bfb14944ac 2009-02-27T23:43:02-05:00 > > a
> > fellow from Western Canada, a fellow from Quebec, a little old lady and
> > a
> > young blonde girl with large breasts.
> >
> >
> >
> > The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later, there is the
> > sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the
> > fellow
> > from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
> >
> >
> >
> > The little old lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have groped
> > the
> > blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
> >
> >
> >
> > The blonde girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to
> > grope
> > me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his
cheek.
> >
> >
> >
> > The fellow from Quebec thinks: That fellow from Western Canada must
> > have
> > groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and
> > got
> > me instead.
> >
> >
> >
> > The fellow from Western Canada thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel
> > so
> > I can smack that asshole from Quebec again.
]]>