I am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to get out what I am feeling the last couple of days. (In case you are wondering...I just feel this way right now, I don't really believe that it will never change. Don't ask me if I am irretrievably depressed or need a prescription.)
I never used to cry, but now it seems that I can cry at any moment...for beautiful reasons, for hurt reasons. Today and yesterday, I have wanted to cry and just vent my extreme frustration over people stifling me and my emotions. It has come up countless times, but ALWAYS...I am on my way somewhere and arrive, I share it with the wrong person and get TOO MUCH feedback instead of a caring shoulder to lean on, or I am in the wrong place to express such things. I DON'T HAVE TIME to express myself. There is no space carved out for me, save when I am doing other things, like showering, to FEEL anything in its fullness.
I always start out so optimistic, and get deflated. It's not always this way, but when it is, it never seems to be on a day or week when I feel strong and emotionally empowered. It seems to always be the one time that I need validation and friendship. Well, I suppose if I felt empowered on those days to begin with, I wouldn't get deflated.
Good heavens, just look at the rambling spree. What I need to do is go lock myself in my bathroom and attempt to feel isolated, if not calmer, on my own. Can't look to others to help me keep this boat afloat. Geez...if I already know that, why do I continue to reach out for others? It happens OVER, and OVER, and OVER. I wish, so deeply, that I could be a cold, insensitive person who doesn't feel so passionately about every little thing. I have prayed for this for years, and the opposite happens. I am a raw nerve ready to share in everyone's pain at a given moment. Although I have learned to say "NO" to people since my 30s began, I am still letting my emotions get overrun. I need to quit that and learn, even more efficiently, how to detach and give myself the same care I would give a wounded friend, not only when there is time, but when the need is serious. I can't ignore my need to express...I'll go nutty. I am a singer, painter, writer. I REALLY need to express.
Well, until the next "soul ventilation."
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