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Funny how things can really go from seeming bad to BEING bad in the blink of an eye. While I was sitting here yesterday morning feeling the deep angst and fear of "What if people don't like me?" my darling middle child, my son (the one who is kicking Epilepsy's butt and learning to read successfully right now :) got into a playground accident. I was in the middle of spewing worried complaint to a friend when I got the call. Not seizure related, but he had gashed his head open on a playground pole bracket. Who knew?
A long wait, stitches, and $200 co-pay later, he was just fine and went on to spend his evening with the ex-husband who always gets to miss the yucky/difficult stuff and then scoops up the children and rides off into the sunset. Sure, I could be rude here, just don't feel like it. We are getting along much too well these days, and we are obviously divorced for a reason.
Anyway, today's post is really more about my "cleansing cry" that I posted on FB as what was most needed yesterday. Well, it took me a few hours to get up the courage to let myself cry, and when I did, it wasn't for long. It wasn't about the accident, only, or the debacle of mixed up words from choir, not really. It was those things, and things from about four weeks that have been building up. In there, too, were moments of regret from up to two years ago, four years ago, sadness that I carry with me and then smear, like water-color paint with a smile and sunny eye expressions. I try so hard to be happy and grateful, and I give great advice on how to do so. I am thinking that perhaps, as I have suspected for years, I am just naturally melancholy. I don't find that I want to die (although I have been there in my teen years). I don't even find that I truly despise anything in my life, save maybe feeling as though time is much too fleeting. I am pleased with quite a few things, and really just want a few moments each day to truly appreciate those things. If given that time, I am content. If that time is stolen, I push it all down and press forward, only to later feel flustered and disappointed. Disappointment has been a great theme in my life in 2008. Minor ones, but still real, nonetheless. I am constantly evolving in my needs from the universe, and in my closeness to God.
I need to push my conversations with God back up to an acceptable number. They used to be almost hourly. Lately, the busy clutters my brain and I become distracted with the next task and feeling. Things really couldn't be more stable. I am grateful, I don't just say it. Three gorgeous kids and a safe home and freedom to pursue what I want from life, as an adult with choices. I didn't have quite that much security ever before. I am still trying to catch up with the thought that my life is filled with potential instead of just struggles for money and a gaggle of abusive friends and partner. It was that for a while, and I am slowly learning the fine balance between selfish and doormat. How beautiful can life be when your self-respect is on the top of every list in your world? Speaking of my world...
Not sure if anyone has been watching the films in my group these last few weeks, but I am religiously posting about them and adding new ones each week. It is a passion for me. Sharing it would only enhance my pleasure, so not hearing from a good portion of the members is only mildly disappointing. I realize that "CRAZY" is a state of being all too common in this country, especially for people in my age bracket (heck, what even is that now that I am 36?).
Wow, this post has taken on a conversational life of its own. Maybe I am writing to one person who reads this each day and relates to what I am thinking. Maybe someone has been reading this and thinking..."I know she isn't unhappy, she is just stressed by the thought of having a moment to be happy." Makes no sense to the common person reading, but someone who thinks that could have one long, cleansing conversation with me. God know I need one. Maybe it would evoke the real tears, maybe relief. Not sure. I guess my biggest fear is that if I stop feeling so many things (both positive and negative) that I will cease to fully experience life. Simplicity would be so refreshing. One beautiful thing is that my personal thoughts and memories are now freed because of the return of my best childhood friend. No, I have not forgotten about that joyful moment. We still have had no time to speak outside of e-mail. It does not sadden me, though. I can now remember my past and hear the music of that past, see the films of that past, etc. and not feel that gaping hole anymore. I know I already mentioned this, but give me a break... I am actually sharing positive feelings instead of just venting.
Venting, I hear, seems to be a communication style that I must have migrated to NC from NY with me. I am a yankee, and proud. This is strange to say (or type) since I have never felt more at home in Raleigh as I have these past few months in our new house.
Ah, my moments of patient solitude with my friend the screen are cut short. The phone is ringing and I am moving on into a day of busy (or continuing, as it were).
Until tomorrow.
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Posted by aliceclaudel on 2008-10-10 11:25:24 | Rating: | Views: 37
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