aliceclaudelurn:uuid:71bdc654-e0e8-ccf6-e33e-35eb3b9bfbe02009-07-02T09:42:20-04:00aliceclaudelToo Muchurn:uuid:65e3ecde-b69b-26c3-6170-0e96e77204522009-07-02T09:42:20-04:00Happy July, friends!!!
I must say that my birthday month is off to a shaky start. I have a huge list of interesting things that have happened or come up in the last two days. Big, potential changes coming down the pike for our family (thanks to my ex-husband changeing jobs). His life could be the deciding factor of whether our family has a summer vacation, or if my children have to switch schools in the next two weeks. All is up in the air. Strangely, I am not upset about it, but feel a bit like I am missing some footing at the moment. I am also having another bout of, "Wish I could quit my evening work." OOPS- sounded like I was a call girl, for just a moment. No, for those who might not know, I am a singer and a music inctructor. I would like to switch my teaching hours even further, so that performing and/or socializing is all that I am committed to at night, but I have to wait about two more years for that to happen. Contracts, SHMONtracts...
All of that aside, we had two of our three children wake up in the thunder storm late last night and attack our bed and sleep, followed by our Brinks home securtiy alarm going off- FULL BLAST- just after 7 o'clock this morning. Our middle child (who slept soundly through the storm) got up and began opening doors while our alarm was still set. ABRUPT waking, security phone calls on the home phone, as well as the cell phone, and police coming to the door. ALL before 7:40 AM. I must say that this will not be my most calm and relaxed day off.
Frazzled nerves aside, I managed to work out and take a shower without incident. WOW! (Note the sarcasm.)
I surely hope that everyone else is having a better day. Blessings to all of you.
]]>Daily Changes, blah...blah...blahurn:uuid:accd2469-ba94-03da-f3fd-8d8404b206472009-06-26T10:54:09-04:00Another day filled with interesting tidbits, yesterday.
After a many months long search, I found a new church that I think I will be comfortable going to with my family. I plan on posting again once we have had a few experiences there, but I wanted to add the latest "step in my journey." :)
The rest of this morning/afternoon will be a quiet one. Time to reflect on the untimely death of Michael Jackson. My middle child loved him so much, and I grew up with posters of him on my wall, listening to the "Thriller" album. It is bizarre to think that he has left this world. I pray for the Jacksons today.
Strangely enough, I am set to do a reading for a friend tonight, and have a little Mexican dinner party, complete with tacos and margaritas. Doesn't seem to go with the above mentioned items (at least to most people), but they fit together in my world, somehow. I will be celebrating who I am becoming, and who Michael Jackson was. Oh well. As I have said before, I don't need approval from humans, just the one that listens to my prayers.
Blessed day to everyone!!!
]]>Summer Updateurn:uuid:9667684d-0e75-0af3-adab-f8559c21895b2009-06-20T11:16:44-04:00I continue to evolve... not an easy path, by any means, but I am still breathing!!!
Last week I bought a juicer. Just the next logical step in my crazy health kick. Well, at this point I would call it a lifestyle change. I have been faithfully working out and eating REALLY healthfully since late January (again, this was not a resolution- just a desire of mine to be at my best). I love the juicer, as do my children, but since the day I started, I have felt like I am coming down with something that never quite reaches a peak. Either this is a very weird coincidence, or the tons of vegetables in my system are purging toxins out of each and every cell into my system to be flushed and I am feeling the effects. Oy! I know I will feel AMAZING very soon. (Right?)
Beyond that, I am enjoying a more leisurely schedule over the summer, and have solidified plans with my college friends. Three out of four of us are all set to go on a beach weekend, tickets bought, etc. (Can't give too many details- well, you know- crazy types are always on the loose.)
Must come back to the site more often and keep up with online friends. I am so good about keeping up with people in my "real world" that I have even marginal interest in, but I seem to spend all of my computer time returning e-mails and such. Shame on me.
I will try to do better. Happy weekend, everyone!!!
]]>The Getaway Fantasyurn:uuid:4f7d316e-d729-1243-bfdc-c623f0b9c3092009-05-31T21:11:12-04:00So, I have been having a series of small miracles since I decided to turn my negative energy from last week around and reach out to my friends instead. Sending them messages of encouragement and love has made a huge difference in my reactions to the more difficult moments of late. It has been delightful.
Most recently, I have had this amazing brainstorm to launch a "Girls' Getaway" for myself and three of my closest college friends (whom I have not seen for over ten years). If all goes well, this will be a tremendous blessing. Please send your good vibes our way. Wishing for the cheapest air fares, and the best luck in bringing this little dream to fruition.
Happy first week of June!!!
]]>Free At Lasturn:uuid:6e82ccb8-f06f-058a-b57b-8953dacca6192009-05-27T23:02:47-04:00FINALLY- I have received the words that I so clearly deserved all these many days. The person who attacked my character finally backed down and is out of my hair. Hallelujah!!!
I am having a heavenly break now. I am really going to take advantage of every moment: moments alone, moments with the kids, moments with my husband, moments alone (sorry, that one is worth mentioning twice). My "Only Child" needs some recoup. time. Time spent soaking in my garden tub, and time taking myself out on "dates" to places like Barnes & Noble. Yes, I consider that a date (at least when I am taking myself). It is peaceful, and I LOVE the smell. Plus, they have coffee in addition to books. What could be closer to heaven?
I have made plans with all of my good friends, and am really trying to be "just me," not teacher me, or chorus manager me, just Barb! I am painting and writing, and doing readings for people. Yes, I must confess, I do things that can be considered prophetic by some, psychic, by others. Judge if you must, but I believe that EVERY SINGLE one of my gifts comes straight from God, and that is how they are used. I LOVE to help others, and when I feel good, I am very recpetive to messages from the divine source. I am grateful and humbled, daily- both in my singing gift, as well as my spiritual gifts.
I just wanted to send out a report of praise for small miracles. For those of you who did pray about my turmoil this last few days- THANK YOU! I pray that your week is going wonderfully as well.
Until next time...
]]>Third Day and Counting...urn:uuid:b7666ca4-be91-8392-9303-771df4a8360a2009-05-24T16:09:10-04:00I had a long, intensification of my Spiritual Journey last night, through my own experience and with a good friend who is also quite sensitive (in a spiritual way). I felt (and continue to feel) that I am under attack, being tested in a place very close to my heart without reprieve, for some very specific reason. I know I have to endure this waiting game to find out the reason that God is trying to fortify my strength. I know that there will be a purpose for this emotional suffering at some point down the road, and for now all I can do is wait- with tight stomach and a heart in my throat. Why should this hurt me so much when I know I have done the righteous things to explain? I have never lied to anyone, or tried to take advantage. I KNOW I AM A GOOD and HONEST PERSON!!! I wish these people could just disappear forever! It saddens me to know that my vacation (since Thursday evening) has consisted of my thinking about these disgusting people. How weak am I?! I wish I had a heart of ice. Why could I not just offer them some money to compensate them and send them away? I cannot actually live with these people when they have exemplified such vulgar tactics?! Working with them no longer seems like an option.
I keep trying to plug away at my own peace and growth, knowing that I have put the truth out there, but I am being painted with a brush that is DRIPPING in pitch black paint, by degenerates. Can you feel my anger?
Today, I want to ask for prayers from all of you for a speedier resolution, where my truth and honesty might be recognized in some way. I also want to ask that everyone pray for my peace and sanity. I will have time, free from work, to see my family and do things that I love, without interruption for over another week. Please join me in asking God for peace for my heart. I know that God wants beauty and peace for me, I am simply having trouble letting all of my angst go and fully letting God carry me (even though I know He wants to). I am sure that you can see I am fighting to rise above.
Also, please let me know how I can help any of you with prayer. I love to focus on others, and right now I am in a world alone. Everyone thinks I am being silly, should "let it go." *heavy sigh*
I hope to have better news, soon. Coming back and writing about this has helped a lot, and I am grateful for those who will listen/read. :)
First of all- Let me thank the awesome people who commented in support of me yesterday. I took heart and comfort from those few words. Each day will get better with things like this to help me rise above the ugly.
So, I did have to endure another phone call from said annoying person yesterday. I found a few more hours of worry setting in early this morning, which were followed up by my writing another e-mail filled with facts that lifted up my side of the story and offered up one more solution to the ugly people that I spoke about yesterday. I wanted to make sure that I recalled all relevant information and put it on the table. If I am going to be tried and sentenced by these people, I WILL have the truth out there. I wish I could expound on the actual situation, but I don't want to be flat out unprofessional. I have (and may still- despite reservations) worked with these people as clients for a few years. Funny, that should be one of the things that sways them to know me and my ethics, but ignorance can apparently spring up like so many weeds in the front yard flower bed.
I feel a bit better after getting some more things out of my head, but resolution is nowhere in sight and these rich, suburbanites are "out of town for the weekend." Excuse the *$#k out of me.
It's amazing, when I am angry you can't even tell that I am a mild-mannered mother of three. ;)
I need to try and self soothe today. I started out by looking for projects to fill my eyes, hands, and mind with. Now I am thinking of finding some gorgeous stationary and whipping out my calligraphy pens and inks and writing beautiful letters to the people in my life that do show appreciation and love consistently. Just as I complained about never receiving words of encouragement and thanks when doing things right, I recognize the need to give others those words. I hope that I will be blessed with peace as I write kind words of love to people who lift me up and are good souls in this difficult world. Yay for me! I am going to attempt to turn my negative suffering into something positive. Small miracles and baby steps, that is all I can ask for.
]]>BACK FOR MOREurn:uuid:b69a80d4-2bff-160a-e8db-abe7a8c342142009-05-22T12:23:22-04:00Looks like I have returned (somewhat) after a LONG disappearing act. I come to drop a load of sarcastic, bitter disregard for the people in this world who selfishly take everything you have to offer, never thank you when you go out of your way, but always have a finger to wag when you set a toe out of line (even by accident). Humans make mistakes, even the more professional of us has faults. I have just had a NASTY run in with one such person, who took my best when I gave it, and then attacked me with their ignorance, the minute they found something to be displeased about. I was up all night, filling my stomach with acid, worrying about it. Likewise, this morning I was quite upset, but now- in light of the fact that I am damned sick of letting people push around how I feel and stealing precious time from me with worry, I say, "Screw them!"
Today is the first day of a two week break that I will actually get to use as I see fit, instead of working on various projects and doing further work. I will spend the day with friends and not apologize for being a human being who DESERVES happiness, even if only once in a while. I DESERVE to relax and to feel cared about, not just used by the selfish ones out there who see my kindness as a welcome mat for their verbal/psychological ineptitude. I am not here to take abuse or be pushed around!!! I will enjoy this first day off if I die trying.
God bless all of you who have been faithful to the site and stayed in touch. I hope you are all doing very well, and preparing for a happy summer.
]]>Part IIurn:uuid:aa695aff-b4ed-3e8b-4ae6-8ed8b101da742009-03-04T15:17:48-05:00Yesterday was a VERY ugly day for me. Things went wrong left and right, and they were not minor. There was, however, one surprise at the end of it all.
It was like a strange dream which has no true meaning until after it is finished and looked back upon. As I drove away from getting some take out Chinese food to provide one, small treat in the dreckthat was yesterday, I saw a man walking out of the local grocery store. He wore some kind of windbreaker and a knit cap. As he turned his face slightly toward the car, I could see that he was familiar to me. It was the one who had tormented me just a handful of years before. It was the one who had caused my life to go snaking down a variety of frightening, sad, and emotional paths, after so much mental and physical abuse. I looked him dead in the face. Soon, he looked back. I could tell, after his second glance, that he knew me, he knew my car, and we knew each other. It was like two ghosts looking through the windshield. There he was just three feet in front of my car, like any man who had to run to the store in the night. Unassuming, normal. I should have been scared, based on what I had been feeling the last few years, but I was not.
My EMDR therapy was tested to its full potential and stood up to the ultimate scenario- being confronted with the abuser.I looked into his eyes in the night and felt NOTHING. No fear, no resentment, no tears sprung from my eyes at the thought of things he said or did four years ago. He is nothing to me anymore. He is like a breeze that passes, leaving no trace. Thank God for such a miracle. If this was my Mount Everest, I do believe that I have finally planted my flag at the summit and descended successfully. It was the only thing I had to show for a very long and difficult day (and four years), but what a great reward it was. ]]>Such a Long Breakurn:uuid:6b198428-5d78-7428-92a0-b22c547d14372009-02-22T23:45:51-05:00It has been a very long time since my last entry. Things have progressed, weekly. I am still working out daily, eating SUPER healthy, changing my work schedule (formally), and adding more writing and illustrating to my daily life. I continue to perform, classically, and am even getting some of my passion back for it (it has been waning for some time). I have also taken a teeny leap and dyed my hair a bit darker from the last time (as you can see in the dusky profile pic.). I don't like to dye my hair very often, but I have started to notice grey hairs. I always thought I wouldn't mind becoming a salt and pepper girl, growing old gracefully, etc., etc. Well, I am not prepared for that at age 36. I feel much younger, so I am choosing to look it. This includes drinking more water, more regularly than ever before. Clear skin is a girl's best friend, NOT diamonds.
Lots of things are coming into view for me. If only the economy would pick up a tiny drop... well, nothing we can do about that at the moment. No point in dwelling.
I just wanted to touch base with those who keep up with me. I have been posting sporadically, and in private, since that DOOF decided to get all outspoken about my life before really examining my posts and what they said about me. I figured I would take a bit of my space and freedom back and post to everyone tonight.
My most recent interest/obsession has been Mt. Everest. It has always fascinated me, but recently, it has become a symbol of life's journeys and the ability of human being to overcome the seemingly insurmountable. I devour all facts about it, movies, books... I think it is a great icon of accomplishment for anyone who feels that they have to overcome frightening or trying times. I have just been through an emotional catharsis, dealing with the abuses of the past, and I have survived it with more determination than ever to be HAPPY in this life. I keep my faith and my family as close as I can. It is never effortless, but it is well worth it. I am blessed, and I thank God every single day (happy day or crappy day). I am grateful.
I hope everyone here at Thoughts is doing well, healthwise, and in other ways. Please drop me a line and let me know.
Happy week!
]]>SO PROUD!urn:uuid:fc10b2dd-a2bb-5443-452a-d3d3a88cc4132009-01-20T11:07:34-05:00Today is remarkable. It is the ten month "birthday" of my youngest child, it is snowing heavily in Raleigh, NC (which almost never happens), and today, our first black president will take office.
I am watching now and I can hardly stand it (the joy, I mean). Of course, I worry that someone, or some group will try to ruin this day in our history with chaos and violence. Because of that, I have prayed all week, and for months. Each time I voted for Obama- in the primary, in the presidential election, I prayed. I pray, daily for his safety. Who would have ever expected that someone who never cared about politics (although I have always voted) could be this involved with a leader in politics? I never saw this kind of pride coming, but I am sure that it means that the tides in this world still have a chance to change.
In a building that was built, in part, by slaves, Barack Obama will serve as our U.S. President!!! Can you wrap your mind around it?! I hardly can, and again- I am SO PROUD!!!
God bless Barack today, and this country's future. I know that we are on the crest of a great wave that is waiting to break through the ignorance and blindness of the past. SO very much needs to be done, because we are human, and because we are weak and make mistakes, we can never achieve perfection, but Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream is on the doorstep people! Put your prejudice aside, put your fear aside, and embrace this wonderful, powerful, spiritual, even-tempered, wise man as he takes the baton and runs into the future.
I, for one, will follow him.
]]>Gotta' Complain Againurn:uuid:5d2d31d5-0cc4-1afe-a7fa-11e4077126ec2009-01-16T23:14:22-05:00O.K., so I never actually get to the part where I write about topics that don't affect me emotionally and are fun to get feedback on, with one exception...
I still have the film group up and running. I continue to post films even though I get no feedback whatsoever. If I did, I think I would have lots more to say, AND I would be lots more excited. I hate to be a jerk about this, but I am disappointed.
Part of my love of the films is magnified by sharing them with others who share views. I am not getting that part. For the first time in nearly ten months, I did not bother writing a review for this past week's film ((GASP)). I know, I can hear the earth grinding to a halt as we speak.
Not being the type that throws out ultimatums (especially when the outcome affects no one but me) I won't, but I will say that my dreams of a film community, sharing thoughts and emotions sparked by film as an art form, are about to be extinguished. Plainly said- This is no fun! Posting films that I watch and review is not "floating my boat" so to speak.
Maybe I will look for other topics, maybe I won't. I am having a bad week and losing the film group may just be the cherry on top.
Don't worry, if my more cynical readers are on to this train of thought- I don't NEED other peoples thoughts or approval to be happy. This really is JUST about my film interests.
If you want to try and join me on this, please let me know. If I hear only crickets, I will pack it on up and seek film gratification in other ways :)
Happy trails!
]]>Surprise, Surpriseurn:uuid:f80eb2fc-06a6-1fe2-5918-1eb196948feb2009-01-14T09:21:57-05:00Well, based on the views of my last blog, I seem to have lost my small following. Granted, it was made private because I am not up for ignorant people reading things they cannot possibly understand with their small minds (you know who you are), but this was one post that would have been nice to have feedback on.
Things are flowing right along, but I am increasingly dissatisfied with how much time I have to do things that I want to do. Need to change that. In the meantime, I will keep writing movie reviews (whether anyone reads them or not), and writing new stories, and looking forward to a time when I have tons of energy because I am not burdened by the thought of having to drop my world at 3:00 PM and go teach privately. I really love my students, and the job itself is great, but there are no perks to working when everyone else has a social life, and being free when everyone else is at work. For someone who needs to talk to process life and emotions, this is not going to work for decades on end. Thirteen years of working nights and weekends. Although I have cut back, it has only spoiled me to want more.
Perhaps I will start a new line of blogs in which I pick a topic on the internet (as so many do) and occupy my mind with ponderings of it. Getting people's views on various topics that I am NOT emotional tied to might be refreshing :)
Again, thanks to those of you who do always listen and share your own worlds with me. I am very grateful. Have a beautiful Wednesday! ]]>Busy, but still watching films...urn:uuid:8892c255-208f-2d2b-38b3-427512d6ceac2008-12-01T10:07:39-05:00I have been singing concerts this past week and have been away, but I am still keeping up with films.
If you belong to my "Friday Film Forum" please check out the newer posts. I will continue to post new films through the next three weeks, as well as putting up descriptions for movies from my old film group.
Hopefully, I will start hearing from some of you :) You are welcome to review my films, or post your own recommendations.
Everything is going well today. I feel a bit better and everything is done at home.
My husband's parents are here and enjoying the three grandkids, and I am sitting in the family room in my bath robe drinking coffee. This is the life.
For those of you who are so sweet regarding my performance stuff, I would like to post the web site for NC Master Chorale. Please check my links and read a bit about us.
Also, I got my latest assignment back from my Institute for Children's Literature instructor. She loved my recent article and thinks that I should go ahead and begin submitting my work to magazines and publishers. I am getting excited.
Today, I will try to take it "easy."
Happy trails! ]]>Checking Inurn:uuid:5c0ec5cd-c530-1c53-a786-48f5edc9c2a02008-11-22T14:10:35-05:00Just checking in, folks.
I have let this week run over me like a mack truck for some reason. Been getting ready for the in-laws to come today. All is now clean, and I am off to buy groceries for the big Turkey Day on Thursday. I suppose I am excited in some way, but most of me is slightly apprehensive and quite tired from trying to push this head and chest mess out of my system. Singers with colds. It can be ugly.
I am thinking of everyone out there that I don't get to talk to nearly enough. I sing so many concerts this time of year with the symphony, etc. I always wish that my friends could be there, they never seem to be (well, except for those who I sing WITH). Oh well, just another bit of wishful thinking from the dumb, wistful "holiday wish" girl in me. Oh well.
This week, in addition to having finished Christmas shopping and having wrapped it all already, I have just completed the bulk of the Christmas cards. I will hang on to them and get them mailed out on Friday. I want to kick off the season with a friendly card to those who stick with me throughout the year. It's nice to have them hanging up there for a long time. I reminds one, daily, of who is thinking about yourself or your family.
I keep waking up optimistic. It's my biggest flaw (LOL).
Best wishes for a GORGEOUS week, and for a lovely holiday for those of you celebrating Thanksgiving this week.
]]>Not Feeling Wellurn:uuid:540863b1-e7c6-5802-feae-6139b9f3546c2008-11-19T10:58:44-05:00I am feeling a bit yucky today. I have finally succumbed to the head and chest cold that my family has been cycling through for about six weeks now. I could feel worse, but my head pounding and my raspy voice is quite enough to make work as a voice and piano teacher unbearable.
Anyway, all of this makes me want to go put on my bath robe and and settle in for a lazy day. That, I am afraid, is NOT on the agenda. I need to continue getting the house ready for the in-laws visit. Now that I am done dealing with my former mother-in-law for a while, I need to set my sights on "dealing" with the new one. Oh, how I thought this woman was wonderful for the longest time. Don't get me wrong, I like her. She is not outwardly evil, like some of the stereotype mothers-in-law out there. She just always knows everything (which I guess is another stereotype). I need to meditate or something to get my mind centered on the tasks at hand all week, instead of letting her corrections and commentary make me feel small.
I have been really successful at being numb to the "holiday tsunami" thus far. Last year by this time I was knee deep in commercial Christmas "junk." I have always longed for a beautiful, magical family Christmas. Last year, once again, fell short- for various reasons. This year, I plan on taking everything in stride and PUSHING down, REALLY HARD, my former expectations. I finished the shopping before anyone could talk about shopping. That was great. Now, we will get through Thanksgiving and decorate the house. If all goes well, I will maintain my "protective coating" of "not noticing Christmas." Now, I do plan on making Christmas a good memory for the kids, but I REFUSE to try to experience this season in my heart this year. AGAIN...I will do things for others and keep the spirit alive that way. I have already started making some extra donations for kids in the hospital over Christmas, etc. I feel strongly about making this a time for humanity to shine (sorry for mentioning this example, it seems indiscreet), HOWEVER, that is not SO different from how I feel, or do, in life the rest of the year. So, what I need is not to be heartbroken about not living up to the Norman Rochwell Christmas that everyone seems to tell people they are having and that movies depict. I know it isn't like that for most people. they are just doing their best too. I am just tired of falling short of my childhood "dream."
I am now getting a bit bitter, so I need to divert my attention and settle down. Maybe I'll go blow my nose for the three-millionth time.
Happy Wednesday!
]]>Time Fliesurn:uuid:350e3f70-91f0-358d-6d53-d9a7e746df0a2008-11-17T10:59:35-05:00It's crazy just how quickly these last few days have gone by. I sometimes get the feeling that we (as a race or planet covered with humans) are being hurdled through space and time towards something bigger in our future. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but it makes me less fatigued at the thought that yet another week has passed by and a new one just begun.
Since Friday, I have completed ALL (and I mean A-L-L) of my Christmas shopping. I am quite proud, if not feeling a bit broke. It was fun, though. I usually don't enjoy shopping, but I felt such a sense of accomplishment this time.
I also rehearsed and then performed Stravinsky's "Les Noces" this past Saturday. I felt so satisfied by that experience. For what turned out to be only 23-26 minutes of music took us three months to learn. The first time we sang the entire piece with instrumentation was the night of the performance. This is a masterful group, but that just shows what a difficult piece it truly was. As I said, I was exhilerated by the whole experience. At the end, I almost felt emotional by its enormity. Two men in the audience uttered "Wow!" and "Whoa." The silence before the clapping was compliment enough. The audience was so affected by it that they needed a moment to collect themselves, and when they did, we got a standing ovation. Lovely, truly lovely.
Beyond that, I began cleaning the house for the in-law visit next week. They will be arriving sometime on Saturday. I am a bit drained, but have energy to get the house in order before the holidays. I will also be cooking :) I am happy to do that too. It preserves a tiny piece of the "holiday family gathering dream" I envisioned as a teen. We all need something to keep us motivated, right? The kids have something nice to remember this way. I like creating that for them.
Also, I heard from my good friend back home (a.k.a.- "Lost Sister Friend"). She is going through a rough time with the loss of family members. I really wish I could be there for her. I know she is having to keep a tough exterior for her family, but she needs a place to really just let her emotions loose. I have even offered to pay for her plane ticket if she would like to visit. Her birthday was yesterday, and Christmas is coming up. It would be a combined gift, and so wonderful for me to do. I don't think she'll take me up on it. She, too, has three children and she also has a very demanding job which I am sure she cannot leave readily during the holiday season.
One piece of nice news... I finally got my replacement Obama stickers. They don't look like the one that was stolen, but I have four of them due to a mistake in shipping. I have already plastered one on the INSIDE of my rear car window. NO ONE will be stealing that one unless they take the car too (God forbid**knocking on wood**).
Keeping up my chin on this end. I hope to hear what some of you are up to today.
]]>Still Calling the Shotsurn:uuid:4921603e-de8a-5844-2cd1-456db1c92b332008-11-12T10:34:30-05:00I am still having a ball with a recent development in my personality. I have started telling people exactly what I think when I am thinking it (when they are, pardon my French, jackasses). I have gotten over, for the most part, my constant need to have everyone LIKE me. I figure if someone is already disrespecting me, why in the world do I want their liking. Respect is much more important. I figure that the least you can do for yourself when a person treats you questionably is to stand up for yourself. With a firm but calm tone, express your point of view and close the subject. For too long, I have NOT done this and then gone home to be upset on my own while the hurt festers inside of me. VERY refreshing.
This weekend my chorale will be performing a VERY difficult work by Stravinsky. Half of the choir has quit because they either didn't like it or didn't think they could do it. Sad, but true. I am absolutely eating it up. I am so proud of myself for spending the extra time to work on this piece and perform it correctly when so many said (and continue to say) that it couldn't be done. What personal victory. I am genuinely excited. In fact, I think I will write to our director and tell him about my excitement. He needs to know that some of us are not bailing and do not hate this selection.
On the homefront, I have finally heard from my beloved childhood friend. As expected, she did have some very strong reasons for having gone missing for a bit. My patience is renewed, even though we haven't had the time between us to set a time to have a long talk on the phone. It will happen soon, and how wonderful it will be to hear her voice and how she responds to me and vice versa. It will be like finding an old teddy bear in the attic and feeling the flood of comfort that always came with that furry friend as a sick or scared child. We did not have a perfecct childhood, but we had the best times together and were so close. In these 27 years, we have only had three major arguments that I can think of. Can't wait to get moving. Now, do remind me of this fresh optimism the next time I get impatient.
Finally, I have been really annoyed, lately (and by "lately" I mean this morning and yesterday afternoon) by e-mails from my former mother-in-law. At first, I thought she just needed an ear, but now I see that I am in the middle of her relaying information that makes her family seem more sympathetic that they seemed in the past. My ex-husband has stopped communicating with them and I am now the touch point for them and the kids. Not a problem, except, despite my position of not being the middle man (which I expressed to her up front) I am now hearing explanations of how things went down when we were married and who caused what to happen. I may have been in the dark about some of it, but they still did and said some things to really hurt me. I have pushed that all aside and now she is dragging it back up to explain to herself what is happening to their relationship. I am sorry for her, as a mother, but just now I was even reminded of a college friend who shut me out of her life (except when she was preaching at me for being a bad Christian) when I started my divorce rolling. Heck, I don't need to hear about this garbage. If I wasn't sure that leaving Rochester was good choice eleven years ago, well I am POSITIVE now. What a bunch of mess. That part of my life is, officially, dead. I will bring with me a handful of real friends and stop being notalgic about things that deliver me to the doorstep of heartache and the betrayal of former friends. SCREW THAT! Pardon me, but it makes me somewhat mad.
I pray for a better day to unfold. It has started out pretty crappy.
]]>Back to the Movies...urn:uuid:2760d308-d360-0af5-c0c7-1e6ccd41e2fc2008-11-07T11:04:27-05:00Another Friday and another film review. Also, another new film. Today's agenda is all about movies on the blog.
Beginning later today, I will start to post descriptions and links for the films that I had posted and reviewed while on Facebook (I REALLY wish I had copied all of my reviews- they were good). Anyone interested can watch those at any time and comment under the feature's topic in the "Friday Film Forum" Group.
I am off to do various tasks for a couple of friends today. I'd love to say more, but I haven't quite reached the point where I can share everything I am working on with potentially "judgmental" eyes looking at these words (and I don't mean my friends on Thoughts).
I hope everyone is having a lovely autumn day, again. I am keeping my chin up and trying to be optimistic about getting a BIT of alone time in later in the day. Wish me luck!
