| View Blog
|
|
|
|
| DISAPPOINTED |
Where to begin today?
I have been getting minimal sleep and hoping that I would have something lovely to write about soon. My last entry, filled with every bit of "grateful" that I could muster is thwarted by life's ability to suck joy from every nook. (Optimistic sounding already, isn't it?)
No matter what the logical reason, I began this morning by realizing that, after a lovely initial exchange of e-mails with my long lost best friend, that she is very busy right now. We have not been able to chat online or talk on the phone. I want to give her space, but have written a message nearly every day expressing my support and how much I look forward to talking again, even alluding to a visit. I joked about looking desperate, but I thought she would understand. Well, we have not connected yet, and this morning I left the house thinking that I had scared her away with my passionate enthusiasm. Realistically, if she is even a little bit like the girl I knew, she is just overrun with work, etc. and truly has not had the time or energy to write. The sensitive me...simply disppointed. I so HATE this side of me. I am not insecure about many things, but I guess this one just hits so close to home. Until last week, I was not willing to admit how much I was missing her from my life. I tried to push down the pain and lack of closure- a method that is not usually successful for me.
Already feeling low, I entered my children's school this morning and had to deal with problem after problem regarding situations with my Epileptic/allergic to everything son. I cannot describe these details just now, for fear that I will sob uncontrollably, but I feel so alone and frustrated. I am disappointed for my little guy now, too. This feeling is even worse than feeling sorry for myself because my kids are my world. Details would really help me to make a better case for wanting to cry, but I truly do not have the strength to re-type it all (after just sending a very verbose e-mail to the principal of the school).
It all reminds me of holding each of my kids as infants and sensing the enormity of the life ahead of them. There is no way to stop life from unfolding beautiful and devastating things for them as they grow. Sometimes, it is impossible to lessen the blow, and how much does that crush a parent's heart?! I would give a corner of my soul for a long hug and some free flowing tears right now. But...
No time for that. No one will offer that luxury to an adult. I am starting to wonder if anyone does that anymore. Even children are expected to carry the world on their shoulders.
Like I said- I am disappointed.
|
|
Posted by aliceclaudel on 2008-09-29 11:07:58 | Rating: | Views: 55
|
|
| |
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
