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Last night, I found it very hard to go to sleep. There are so many things on my mind right now. Life should be calm and perfect (HA). I should feel accomplished and accepted, exploring myself and all of the new and wonderful things in my life; a third child, a home that, daily, reflects our personalities a bit more, health, no real financial problems (for the first time in my life). Much to be grateful for, and yet my emotions are never fully within my grasp.
Darn it if I don't just want a peaceful, even predictable, existence. Sure, I like fun as much as the next person, but right now, less than two weeks after my 36th birthday, what I need the most is time for myself. I spent so many years feeling lonely that it almost seems ironic. Sadly, along with these feelings comes a re-evaluation of my "friendships." It occurs to me how many acquaintances I have. So few of the people I enjoy spending time with or talking to are people that I can call in a pinch. That makes me very sad to some degree, but it wouldn't be "cool" to say so, to make it known. I wouldn't mind a friend like that. I guess, in many ways, this blog is as close to that as I can get right now with any consistency. (Seems pitiful, I know.)
I guess today is a day for rambling a bit. Hang in there with me and I will, eventually, produce a point of some kind.
Perhaps I am not so much unhappy as I am in constant fear that I can be content with what happens on a daily basis and not have to explain why to the people around me. What would that mean? I give great advice to friends and students about how to assert their personalities and beliefs to those who would expect too much from them. I feel very strongly about it and have a strong grasp on how to convey to them just how to be this strong, content person while still being respectful to others. God only knows why I must doubt myself and ALWAYS try to please others. I have changed this pattern a bit, but not enough to keep myself from staying up some nights wondering what to do next.
Right now, I guess, I am in search of peace. I have spiritual peace. I have God's peace and conviction, but I do not rest in it below the surface. I need to pinpoint the "restless" and put it to sleep.
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Posted by aliceclaudel on 2008-08-04 11:43:14 | Rating: | Views: 97
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