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| Crappiest Morning-Another Bad Entry |
I keep contradicting myself. I feel as though I am often grateful for the beauty in the world around me, and yet, I seem to only write entries lately that reflect sad or angry feelings. I guess my own, private journals became a tool for venting after a while. I thought I could be more literary minded in this format, but I seem to only want to unburden myself of darkness here, so as to move on with life (I guess). I'll let you know how that works out.
Today has been nothing short of harrassing, emotionally. A misunderstanding among friends, sparked by my intense defense and concern over another friend, has made today quite ugly and dark for me.
I spend some time (ocassionally) with my fellow choir members in a social setting. I try to be a "friend to all," but look out to those who cross me. Well, that's pathetic and not true. Really, all I mean is that they are fair game for mockery in that social setting. I make it a point to only comment negatively on people who are aware that I have dislike for them, for whatever reason. It also feels good to be the ocassional comedian- admired by all (but not really). As the chorus manager, I encounter everyone's mood swings and personalities. Most are pleasant, some are hideously rude or pompous. The latter are the ones that are not only discussed in private, but are treated in such a way that is only professional with no real warmth (which is hard for me to do). I make it a point to let people know when they have treated me disrespectfully. In doing so, I feel entitled to discuss what happened. I am proud that I have stopped being a doormat to others, and that I handle it in a way that I do not view as hypocritical. Sadly, this "style" of behavior may not have apparent in motive to those who do not get to know me as a person. This setting, I am convinced, makes me something I hate. I don't need to be the focus of attention, especially at this point in my life.
I care about others. I don't have to fake the smile I greet almost everyone with. I am fiercely loyal to my friends. Perhaps this is a character flaw. Well, since I cannot explain a distinction, and attempting to act like my private, vulnerable self in a crowd where friends are indistinguishable does not work, I am going to pull out of said social setting. It's not a threat, I realize that it will not make a difference to anyone, including me. I am just highly disappointed. I spend so much time thinking that I am doing things with some integrity and then I let my emotions get in the way and, BOOM... there is a misunderstanding and everyone thinks I am a jerk. As I told one of the people involved in said misunderstanding- "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." There is no point in explaining who I really am. I will be judged by my actions, by this action. I am so upset I could just spit (not really, because that is gross). I am disgusted, however.
Seems like today's theme is disappointment. I just had my thyroid levels checked again (they have NOT calmed down since the baby in March). I don't know what they are like- normal, totally off? I just know that I am more emotional lately than I have been since I was a teenager. I am hurt more easily, and am prone to cry when others do, much more easily. I am more sensitive than ever, which is pretty awful. I started out being ultra-sensitive (about certain things). Although it has gradually gotten better, I am afraid that I am losing my mind.
I guess I need to pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on. AHHH, how sick am I of doing that?! Well, you say..."That's life." True enough. If that is so, then why bother blogging? Why not just sit around looking for the next fire to put out? Why not stop seeing that beauty in everything and simply survive. I dare say that that would neither be much of an existence.
I need to settle my nerves and my stomach, and go busy myself with something productive that restores me to my previous state of stress, instead of this highly sensitive one. I want to keep writing, but who will want to read such a pile of verbal verbal diahrrea?
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Posted by aliceclaudel on 2008-10-09 12:20:54 | Rating: | Views: 49
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