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| Confused, |
How exactly is it that intelligent (or so they think) adults find themselves on web sites like Facebook and MySpace?
I ask this because I consider myself to be very intelligent and yet also find myself on Facebook, slowly accumulating friends and dippy applications as the days pass. At first, it was interesting. I was connecting with people who had been fairly close to me at one time (mainly from college) and getting to know what had become of their lives. Then, the others started rolling in. The ones who I had not really missed (nor spoken to) for over a decade. I understand that it takes all kinds, the world is a big pot of diversity, that's what makes it interesting...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...
I am a completely different person than I was in college. I have grown as a person and been through quite a bit. Back then, (Did I mention that this was a Christian Liberal Arts college?) I was pushed aside (by some) because of my standing as a Catholic. Now, it seems, some unforeseen prejudice has emerged that keeps people who I once spoke to from wanting to connect. Granted, I did not "sign up" to talk to everyone that I recognized, simply because we were not close and I did not want to impose. Sadly, I do not think this is the case for some. Is it some religious prejudice, or has my former college best friend poisoned everyone within a fifty mile radius because I got a divorce back in 2003 (after years of deliberating in private) that she could not understand from the "Christian" perspective? Maybe I am paranoid, but I am a big one for closure. That friendship was killed by her ignorance. Her lack of knowledge in my situation and in the institution of marriage as a very real, and DIFFICULT at times, undertaking.
I feel paranoid. I feel my great emotional maturity slipping through my fingers and onto the damned living room floor as I sit and look at the screen. I fill with doubts. I begin to feel that there is a persona that I must be to "fit in" to expectations, of former teachers, of my former (very conservative) friends. What I said in my profile about becoming who I am through much life experience, is true. I believe every ounce of it was seen by God, that none of it was a mistake, and that I rested on my conviction in His word to arrive in the glorious position of safety and comfort in which I find myself today. (Incidentally, my ex-husband and I are now closer friends than we ever were and our children are happy.)
This is all further sparked by the fact that my childhood best friend, since age 9, disappeared from my life nearly two years ago now. I never got any closure there. We had always remained close, no matter how much time passed between long distance phone calls. Then, she was gone. No response to letters or e-mail. Phone calls were mysteriously cut off. So many things flew through my head to make me feel ashamed and inadequate. What lies might someone have told her to change her mind after 25+ years? I was devastated. Part of me is still broken about it, but who can I turn to about this when there is nothing, really, to be discussed? She never saw me emerge from the tragedies of 2003-2005. My life became like a fairytale after that, but I had no friend to share it. Not the friend that had seen me become this woman. She was not there to share anything, anymore.
As you can imagine, this has all left me in a strange place of emotion. I am not this insecure. I am very proud of what I have accomplished in life and of my beliefs and morals. How could I allow myself to feel sorry and rejected? How have I allowed myself to feel as though I must live up to some set of imaginary expectations. I am not that college girl, eager to have approval, but somehow, that girl is peeking out and wreaking havoc with my adult life. No! I am not a prissy, full of myself, God will only save us Chosen, far right conservative/fundamentalist Baptist, Bible thumper!!! I am proud NOT to be. I have a serious relationship with GOD, not the idiotic, flawed humans who make up rules in his name. I am sick to death of ignorance. I ANSWER ONLY TO GOD. I LOVE GOD! I speak to him daily, by the moment, in every joy and crisis. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING IGNORANT JUDGMENT BY SO-CALLED CHRISTIANS. Jesus would not live like these critical people in the world. Jesus reached out to those who were "unsavory." I strive to be like him in the truest way. Rejecting and judging people is not CHRIST-LIKE. READ those Bibles you are thumping once in a while! I live by the TRUTH. I just don't want to be drenched in ignorance any longer. I have black, gay, non-religious...etc., etc., etc. friends, and I will continue to. I am kind to them, because they are human beings. I support friends who must separate from spouses, not because it is easy (or was for me) but because humans are weak (and I don't mean the ones asking for the divorce most times), and when you kill yourself to stay in a God ordained marriage and your partner DOES NOT CARE OR MAKE AN EFFORT. When your children are suffering, you take them where you can BE close to GOD again and live a demonstrative life of goodness and, yes, FAITH. Some use divorce as and easy out. I was not one of those.
My next decision is whether to remove myself from the "Facebook Community." I love some of those people, and I am tickled by seeing what they are doing (voyeur that I am), and by keeping in closer contact with friends far away. I hate what it is making me feel.
Well, I find that the art of the written letter is underrated, anyway.
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Posted by aliceclaudel on 2008-08-06 08:59:15 | Rating: | Views: 210
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