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As the week comes to a close I am trying to stop thinking so much about serious topics. Yesterday's entry did not start out to be a rant, it just ended up being about all of the things that normally make me feel *ICKY* and I constantly push them down so that I don't offend anyone the way that some so easily backhand others with their self-righteousness. There are better ways to be a witness, and I think some of us do a pretty good job without causing injury. Enough about those people.
I think that now that I have put out about six of my major irritants for all the world to see, I can move on with things that I enjoy and write more pleasant entries. (There may be one or two more lurking, but they will get put on ice for now.)
Haven't thought about what to write today. I have been speaking with some of the acquiantances I mentioned (both from college and my current circle). It seems like the more I share with people the things that I thought would push them away or repulse them, the more they are reaching out and wanting to be a part of my world. Some people do express an interest in my joys and sorrows. I always want to believe in people and their ability to be loving, so I will not question it. I feel so much for so many, sometimes strangers, simply because they are in need of something (just like I am, at times). I try to give my best. Sometimes I go overboard and get very hurt, but I much prefer it to locking my heart away. Thank you to all of the people who spoke to me yesterday, about my blog, among other things. I am grateful for the opportunity to be myself, the rawest version of me, and still feel a part of something. At this rate, I will run out of deep thoughts about friendship and life and happiness, and may actually begin to live my happiest thoughts, daily. I have great life philosophy, but keeping it in practice when I am frustrated (like yesterday) I get off track.
OKAY...I said no more serious stuff! This is what happens to a person when they get to watching too many heavy foreign films. I have become so gosh-darn introspective.
Now that I think of it, there are lots of things in my life that might SEEM heavy, but really are positive. For example, my son with Epilepsy and his slow and steady progress out of the disease. Even though he gets better, life is hard for him. What I take away more than my pain for him is his ability to smile and be a goofy kid, despite the doctors and the medicines. Talking about him always brings tears to my eyes. He inspires me. I wish I could wash away the problems he faces (like any Mom would), yet I know that he will grow up to have an amazing life and flourish because he had to work so hard for everything. He will be a strong man someday. I only hope I can be a part of getting him there. Sometimes, like right now, when I am flustered with helping him to review the writing of letters and numbers that he has learned a hundred times and lost because of seizures and sedative medications, I feel overwhelmed. I am sorry to say that the patience I show strangers is not here at these moments. I feel that I am failing him.
Well, it looks as though I am not capable of writing anything lighthearted, which is funny. When you talk to me in person, I can't seem to hide my smiley, customer service personality. I am unable to show pain to people who see me. In writing, though, it all pours out uncontrollably. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess I needed this. My apologies for anyone who wants to read other people's blogs for a bit of daily entertainment. I may not be your best choice.
For those of you who can, say a little prayer for my lovely family and my little boy (my middle child and only male) who is going into an inclusion classroom for the first time since he started school. I am so scared that he will be disappointed, and nothing else will matter for a while except making sure he is OK.
Until tomorrow. Perhaps, on my day off I can produce something a bit sillier. I do have a sense of humor, a pretty good one. I'll whip it out on "thoughts" one of these days.
Have a good one!
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Posted by aliceclaudel on 2008-08-07 11:08:03 | Rating: | Views: 28
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