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| I can't believe this crap!!!! |
It is Saturday. I just realized that I am a "B" because I demand that my home and myself be respected. I knocked at my son's bedroom door because I wanted to have a word with my son and his girlfriend. I did not expect what happened next, or their reaction to my request to have a word with them. All I got to say was, "I want to have a word with the 2 of you!" I was not yelling or anything like that. Immediately she got her feathers ruffled and she said, "I not going to do this, I didn't do anything wrong, you were up (me) when I knock on the window"! She got all emotional and shut me down quickly and rushed by me on the way to the door and just walked out on me while I was trying to speak to her. Her message was loud and clear. I did not do anything wrong and I will not hear what you have to say!" How dare I approach her regarding her behavior at my own home.
My son right away went on the defensive and victim mode. "Oh, now I am going to get yelled at " Mom, we both cleaned up this house today, I spent a lot of time cleaning the bathroom and we did the whole house and now you don't even care! They never helped me with the house work and I pay all the bills. Now and then my son gives me $100.00 but because I complained to him how I am so darn broke. He does not pay any bills or rent. He does not see why he has to pay when according to him he does not live at home. One foot at his girlfriends and one foot at my house. But he eats, showers, watches his TV, does his own laundry. But he does not see why he needs to help out with money or anything else.
It is really amazing how his role reversal work on me. I find myself feeling guilty because I dare to approach them regarding their behavior in my home. I don't let them shack up in my house, she is not allowed to sleep overnite because she refuses to sleep alone in another room. My son said to me, "She thinks you don't like her because you kick her out every night, when you tell her she has to go home". My gosh, I am force to do that! Late hours, even to 02:00 a.m. and they are wide awake and so am I. I can't get to sleep because of them. I had been rudely awaken with them fighting and had to drive the girl home in my car. I am always on guard for the next fight. I also dislike the constant in and out of the house during the day and at night. His friends coming to my door asking for him and been invited in by him. When my son and his girlfriend do decide to leave for her father's house they leave my door unlocked. Anybody can just walk in!
Heck, who are these people? Some of them I know since very young but others I never met. My son's is very insecure, afraid of life commitments and angry. His poor self image and emotional instability is a constant drip into my emotional health. I regret that his father didn't care what happens to him and that I feel as if I owe him some sort of happiness. I tried to make up for what he lacked in his life. I feel so bad that my kids have to suffer having a father who was not there for them physically and emotionally.
Now that after so many years in my life I am fighting to retain my identity I find that at this late period in my life I am still feeling that I am not entitled to enforce house rules and discipline in my home. I reexperience feelings of inadequacy, made to doubt my sanity, my house rules and standards of discipline. My parents were both cold and distant. I married a man who was the same. From my perspective I have never had any love and positive feedback in my life and I am burden with so much guilt for not measuring up to somebody elses standards. I grew up afraid of beatings, walking on cracked egg shells. My father had schizophrenia and used alcohol to help himself emotionally. His moods were scary and unpredicatable. His way of staring right through me left me cold. His personality could changed at any time and I was scare to death of him. I never knew what was going to happen next.
I am emotionally beaten and scarred. I want to be me, I don't want to struggle with people in my home for the power to rule. I just want peace in my aging years. Must I move out of my own home in order to have some quiet peaceful life?
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Posted by airsjc on 2009-01-03 23:59:06 | Rating: | Views: 52
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