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| Can someone help my son? |
As soon as I see my son coming through my front door I feel a wave of darkness pouring over me. I regret my inner feelings of hostility towards him which I carefully hide from him. He is so miserable, so unhappy, he hates his body, his life, himself.
I called him over into my bedroom because I was so annoyed at the constant drama between him and his girlfriend. The other night she was curled up on the floor of his bedroom sobbing. It tore me up to see her so upset and I just cannot deal with it anymore. No matter how many times I tried to explain to him that these drama episodes makes my life miserable he finds a way of turning everything around and I end up feeling like the one who needs to apologize. He changes the subject, and proceeds to turn every topic into long drawn discussion of tales of woes and compaints of victimization.
He loves his girlfriend but she is clingy and won't let him have breathing space. That is what all the fighting is about. He says he tells her to leave so he can have some peace and she refuses and then he is forced to be make her so angry that she leaves.
I asked him about getting a job and he goes on with a litany of complaints about what he disliked about his life, other people, and that there are no near by jobs as an apprentice electrician. He finished his school for electrician at a pricy vo-tech. Now he owns those 17,00 dollars and he is no better off that when he got out of high school at 18 yrs. of age. He is in a rage because he feels the school lied, misrepresented itself making him believe that they would help him get a job or that a job will be available for him after graduation.
This man is a major energy sucker in my life. Trying to get him to agree to see a psychiatrist and get medication is an uphill battle. He won't listen to reason. He says he knows how to get psychiatrict help and is going to get insurance first in order to see a doctor. But I keep telling him that he can get to see a psychiatrist for little money if he goes with the county as he is unemployed, and suicidal and has a lot of violent thinking. He won't hear me out and says he will do it his way.
When I tried to give him good advice he tells me that I don't understand and tries to get me to agree with all his real and imaginary woes in order to validate his victimhood. His dissatisfaction is so palpable that I feel I am to blame. He is in a self-made prison of hate, loneliness, disillution, anger and desperation. He tells me that he wants me to be proud of him. I tell him that I am because he has accomplished many things and finished his schooling. He will not believe me. He is the victim because he sees himself a victim.
It is very hard not to fall into a negative state of mind myself when I talk with him. I feel so guilty and depressed after our little talk because I feel that I have misjudge him and that I am making his misery worse by pushing him to get a job, any job for the moment. His endless capacity to dwell on what he don’t want, whining and complaining about his inability to get a decent job he likes. Constant complaining that there are no good jobs for him available now.
His fears blocks all his positive energies from within. I feel stressed, angry, drained and and worried most of the time and I hate those feeling of negativity I am picking up. I start feeling resentful against his father that has never had to deal with anything like I have concerning the kids. Consequently, I start feeling guilty for not been a good mom and I fear that if he moves out because of my "complaints", he will end up taking his life. Those thoughts torment me and I suffer anguished moments to the point of mental and emotional exaustion and it just zap all
life energy from me.
It’s important to me to preserve my own state of mind while trying to help them. I have my own problems with money, health, depression and emptyness. But I still reach out to him with a kind gesture, and do what I can to cheer him up and bring him back to the positive side. I want to succeed in bringing him around because it switches his focus.
He is so bittler and negative that it scares me at times and I fear that I cannot reach him. He refuses my initial attempts to help him saying he should be able to help himself. He is in denial of the many unrelated emotional problems that had plagued for years.
Please, Dear God, I don't want my son to die by his own hand. I want him healthy, with a good paying job that he likes, a healthy love relationship. Can you please answer my prayer?
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Posted by airsjc on 2008-12-01 22:48:42 | Rating: | Views: 52
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