Thoughts.com Blogs - in the midnight hour....

good night all , havent been writing for a while... i kinda missed it and i know that now while writing this new entry...there is so much going on u wont belive.
first and most important of course, my dad had to under go a heart serjury, he is in the hospital since wensday, but he is all well thank god, budhha and all the others ! i dont know , seriously what i would have done if somthing were to go wrong with this serjury, i am so glad i dont have to find out. it sure was a rough weekend.
earlier last week i got my first grade of the last semester on my final art history exam which is A- si i was so happy bout that, i really did not want to have to do that test again ...heheh... i started to work as a waitress in a caffe right across the street from my flat, which is nice and now on i will get to be a caffe bartender...lol. whatever that means, i really dont think of it as a career...heheheh. it pays the bills like they say so i'm down with that. lets see what else... nothing much has changed as far as events, but my feelings about this summer has changed so much. i started this summer thinking , wow, a summer in tel aviv, my own flat, finally the moment is here... but i just ended up feeling so lonley....i kinda dont know why exactly....lets try to figure it out the adult way...talking about it or more fitting-writing about it. it started creeping in tow nights ago... i was staying at my dads place to keep his wife company while he stays at the hospital, and i started to suddnly think about all the lovy dovy stuff i saw about them the whole day...and i just wonderd if it will ever happen for me you know...its so starnge, i am ok maybe even good looking according to a guy friend of mine, i am nice, i am not a girly snobbish type of person so its reletivly easy to talk to me, and i am fun (when not sad like everyone i guess) and yet still i see all these hot guys with girls that are harsh, maybe even trashy at times and certnliy snobbish uptowners. seriously , i dont get it...and i just feel like i am never good enough even if i think i am it dosnet matter anymore. its like all the self esteem i worked so hard to get is fading away because i have no proff of that self esteem actually being true. just give me somthing, a hint....anyways, more so , today while visiting at the hospital, my dad's friends came for a visit, i hardly know them but my brothers do, and they didnt even say hello to me , just to my brothers, they didnt ask me anything, they just ignored me all around. i dont even know why, and my dad keeps going on and on about my brothers, because one of them own his own buisness and one is joining the same unit as my dad's in the army, and me.....i turned out to be the screw up, the "artistic one" the one that shows him the first real buisness card i made for a jewlery designer at my school and he says " well, the writing is too small" ..."as long as she likes it" ....i just never feel good enough... and i am at one of the tow best design collages in israel ! what more do u want....sorry i'm not a stock broker matirial ....angry...i'm just angry....why is it so hard to say that...