Well.. day three of the new year and I was actually hoping it would be, oh I don't know, different somehow. It isn't as if my life is hectic, because it isn't, at the least.. not yet. Give it a week or so and then hectic will be an understatement for how each day will be. Why? School. Another semester and with course overload. I made the Dean's List last semester and I've placed this huge obligation on my head to do it again, and again, and again. My husband says it's because I am an overachiever; but it's more like: why do something if you're not going to do it to the best of your ability? Nothing ever done right is going to come easily, though sometimes I wish that weren't true.
Stress on a scale of 1 to 10: Already I'm feeling anxious. I know it's more because of all of this garbage with the VA. No phone calls that I'm supposed to be receiving for the glasses that I need. Nevermind that now it's too LATE for me to go alllllll the way to SA for a visual appointment. No phone calls regarding a change of VR&E counselor because of a grievance I filed. Why I ever think/thought the VA would actually DO something was stupid of me to entertain. Screwed over by the U.S. Army, why should I think the VA would be any different? Dummy me.
But I was talking about my stress. I'd say.. ohhhh, about a solid 5. Not too freaked out yet and not too relaxed either.
Pain on a scale of 1 to 10: Okay. So here I am, jotting this down. I feel like I'm talking to my VA Practioner. Doop de doo. But it's just me, logging this in, though I'm not entirely sure why. Pain on a scale of 1 to 10? A good 8. But that isn't anything different than any other day of my life, except right now, it's down to an 8. That's right, DOWN to an 8. Least it's not past 10.
How am I sleeping: GREAT! Which is actually surprising me. Since we moved way out here, I've slept so good. I guess it could be supposed that out here I don't have anything to be "afraid" of. You'd think that being a bit isolated I would be more afraid, but it's less. Shrink that one out.
Now that I have all that *interesting* stuff out of the way, it's time for me to chat on about what's going on here. Other than nothing (common factor for small town living), I've taken on (once again) my heath and weight matters. Eat right. Exercise. Meditate. Lose weight. Can we see the stress meter moving forward? At any rate, I'm on a good start so far, but I'm not about to pat myself on the back just yet: I'm only into Day Three of this thing. The hardest part is actually eating. I starve most of the day and then around 10pm the binging comes into play and I eat. Not OVEReat, just not picking the healthiest things in the world to consume and then spend the next two hours talking myself out of throwing it all back up again. Yeah, I know.. gross. You'd think that because I hardly eat that I'd not be overweight, but I've since learned that I've slowed my metabolism WAY down and anything that I *do* finally eat, is stored. It's compounded by the fact that I don't make healthy choices when I eat. SO. I've modified my eating choices. Can we say hard? HARD! Oh. My. Gosh. I want to eat a couple of cookies with a cup of tea. So I'll change the cookies for those mini rice cake thingies (90 calories thank you very much) with my cup of jasmine tea as a SNACK. And I'll log all of my food consumption down to make sure I eat Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. Capitalized on purpose because they need that declaration of importance. Yay.
So I've started my journal and so far so good. It bothers me that I'm taking 15 minutes each jot down to log all of this stuff in when I think I could do something better. I don't know why I feel like I have to put me on the back burner sometimes. It isn't like the load of laundry can't wait 15 minutes, right?
I need to find some time, and a way to meditate. I love meditation; but now my mind is all over the place. I keep thinking of everything I should be doing. Or I think of things I forgot to do. Go figure. I can't remember what I wanted to do until I want some quiet time and moments of reflection, the ZAPPO, I've suddenly remembered every lost thought I've ever had.
Finally there is exercise. Here's an excuse: If it weren't for the dogs lining my road, I'd be able to walk up and down without fear of being devoured by a variety of breeds of dogs. Pick one, really. We have german shepards, border collies, those gray funky looking dogs that they use to have on Sesame Street, retrievers, pit bulls, chows, rottweilers, boxers, yorkies, chihuahuas... seriously! Then we have a variety of cats, horses, bulls, cows, goats... a true Old MacDonald's menagerie of animals that, kitties aside, will make you seriously think twice about aerobiwalking up and down the road. And if I could walk up and down the road, then I'd have to take into consideration my knees and ankle. It use to be just one knee, but all the years of favoring my left knee have made my right one really hurt. Does the VA listen? What do you think? Let's cast aside the doctors they have enlisted to discount your claim of injury. Here.. bend it this way. Oh that hurts? Here's a tissue, stop crying now, it's over. Then you get the report back that you could bend your knee in ways you'd never ever sanely do except under forceful duress of some sadistic doctor who isn't even affiliated with the VA, just a contract doctors office. Sounds peachy doesn't it? Reality is just that way. Reality comes around one more time to bite you in the butt and checkbook, decreasing your VA benefits. Thank you for your military service.
I so totally digressed. I was talking about exercise. So in all my lounge loafing, I was watching these fat-made-thin shows and learned of some things I could do without going to the gym and without having to kill my knees and ankle in trying to do these exercises that I probably couldn't have done in my 100 pound minnie-me hayday. I'm optimistic. I'm determined. With my journal and blog in hand (and computer), I know that *this time* I'll make the progress that I need to make. It isn't a want. It's not vanity (well maybe a teensy-eensy bit). It's an absolute *have to*. I need to do this for me. I can't keep sitting here, being afraid of how much my knee and ankle are going to hurt afterward, and if they do, I have to find the courage and wherewithall to keep going and not get discouraged. With the heart disease that runs rampant in my family tree, this little apple just isn't going to drop off the branch from a heart attack.
I know I can do this. I know I can as long as I stay focused, determined, and optimistic.
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