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| how to escape emptiness |
i left the big city and am back in the calm laid back coastal environment. it is lovely being here again. i found the big city offers you everything it is smooth from one end to the other. yet here everything is either black or white. meaning you either have a lot of people on autopilot or a lot of people who seek a different life.
i have thoughts about life again....and sometimes they are there easily for me to grasp and to ponder them and then again they elude me. as now. when i try to capture them to put them into words so i can ponder them more thoroughly and get a deeper understanding what it is that i perceive.
i get a feeling that i do everything the wrong way around. a simple example. i have to learn for my exams but i do not want to, so i rather wash the dishes. i am afraid or unhappy but i suppress the feeling by eating pizza or a chocolate bar. i want the attention of my parents and create a rucus that makes them look at me and reprimand me. so i should have just not learned if that was not my wish and either ate a pizza because it was my longing to do so or just allowed emotions to suffuse me. same with my parents i should have just gone to them and asked them to old me and kiss me and tell me they love me. but i was either not aware of what happened or much to afraid to do it differently.
still not the essence of what it is that i feel. i very seldomly do what i want to do out of fear. and a lot of times i do things because i think those are the right things to do. i often do things because i think those are the things that i would want to do, not even what others expect me to do, although given thought also those but things i think are right. same with feelings. i make myself do or feel things that i think are the right things to do or feel in that moment. as if orchestrated. and that is why it is so difficult to be always happy with my "performance" as i cannot always watch myself. sometimes i get careless.
i want to be a good person, compassionate understanding towards all people, loving. and i am sure it is inside of me to be so. but it is not accessible to me. i am a shadow of it. constantly monitoring me whether i am doing good. i am not yet true. i feel occasionally empty and unmotivated. and on top of that i put my role my performance. as we get taught from childhood.
so i still work on myself to get rid of all those hideous old behavioural patterns that were once useful but are now long overdue. and that keep me from having access to me. to my heart and to my soul.
someone said to me that i have to allow myself to be vulnerable in order to gain access to my hearts longing and to my true nature. i am trying but i am shit scared and very often chicken out. yet everytime i succeed is a good time. and a step in the right direction.
yes i think i could capture something. enough to get me going.
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Posted by adabrons on 2009-11-08 03:54:55 | Rating: | Views: 8
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