So, i am back again!!!! i completely sucked at writing anything once i got to Australia which sucks because it was an eventful 3 months regarding my relationship as well as my mental state!!! I learnt more about myself and other people than i did the whole year i was away backpacking!!!! I would love to be able to sit here and write it all down but at the moment i seem to be only capable of piecing it all together in my own head and trying to understand things! What i do know is that i was not happy where i was by the end of it all and i am not happy here (or maybe i just need to give myself time to settle back in) In my ideal world i want all my family and friends over here to be in Australia so that i can see them when i want or need to but be able to have my aussie/kiwi friends and the pub and all the locals with me all the time. This time i have come home not missing just G but my newly adopted aussie mum, dad and sister, plus some crazy crazy people that i will miss being there to make me laugh! And i wish that my relationship with G had not had to end although as my friend, DD was forever telling me; 'your relationship is doomed, it's not a healthy relationship, it won't take long for either of you to move on, blah blah blah'. He made sense at the time, i understood and agreed with everything he said, but now i'm back here i can only remember the good times and the love i had for G!! Damn a man being able to manipulate and twist my mind! Grrrr! Deep down within the sub-conscious thoughts, DD is right, i know that i guess im just not ready to admit it yet. Not ready to admit that G is probably not the one for me, that there is so much more out there, that i can do so much better. I wish DD was sitting here beside me right now mentoring me, telling me what i already know but am unwilling to say or think out loud! I rang him the other day. I said 'remind me why i came home, remind me what was so bad about my relationship!' DD's very clever. he told me it was purely because i am so familiar with G and Australia, that i just need to settle back in and become familiar with everything here again! He is right. I'm sitting here moping and whining and being depressive and concentrating on missing G and everyone when it feels like a century since i last saw them all when in actual fact it has only been a week! Of course i'm going to miss them, i saw most of these people everyday for 3 months!! But they were great, they really were and i am going to try so hard at keeping in touch with them. I know i will definitely see some of them again, they're really special to me! My aunt is moving to Sydney in january so i plan to take a holiday in the summer! It's weird, i came home because i wanted to celebrate xmas in England because the hot weather, lack of xmas spirit, films and music made xmas suck last year. It was a very strange experience to be lying on the beach in my bikini with tinsel around my neck! I also felt that i wanted to spend xmas with my family and friends but i have come to the realisation that no one actually likes anyone in my family and we're spending it together because we have to, and at the moment in my circle of friends everyone seems to have a problem with each other! Oh the joy of the festive season! But i know that if i had remained over in brisbane for xmas i would have wanted to come home! i am just not satisfied with either place!! Plus G doesn't get very excited about xmas, at least my sister does and i can make the most of it with her!
So what is going to happen now in my little life?
The plan is to go to university in september and study english but before that i have to get a job soon as because G and me have planned to meet in Miami (of all places!) in March to have a 2 week affair - Neither of us are happy it is over between us, we have spoken everyday since i left, we still say 'love you' at the end of each call, and i reckon if he didn't have the little one i could have persuaded him to move out of the suburb we were in and started fresh somewhere else - we probably wouldn't have worked otherwise! - so, i have to save for Miami, then i plan to go back to Australia in the summer - i also forgot to pack loads of stuff when i left, that's hungover packing for you!
I hope i get into university, i really need to have something positive to look forward to, i know it may not seem like it now but it is the right move!!!!!! I have to look positive at all of this and think 'right! This is a new beginning, a new adventure, a new path!'. Positivity darling, positivity!