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I'm a pretty shy person and I don't like putting myself out there. What I don't like even more is feeling completely alone. So I move to a new place and finally get up enough nerve to try to make new friends and then have to move away from them. Or I try to come out of my shell a bit and end up embarassing myself and being tortured by the memory of it for years. Seriously, I still cringe at things I've said and things I did like 20 years ago, and I'm only 27. People say "Forgive yourself" or "You were a kid, kids do stupid things." But somehow I can't bring myself to let it go. It's ridiculous. Stupid LITTLE things that most people wouldn't even remember make me want to curl up and die.
I don't know why I'm so hyper-sensitive to emotional stuff....Any amount of stress laid on me lately is enough to make me want to lay down in my bed and sleep for a week. If I do manage to pull myself up, I walk around the house like a zombie on the brink of tears. I space out and either stress out about things to come or relive things from my past over and over again. I'm not enjoying my life at all right now. I'm going to be moving. Again. I have done absolutely nothing to prepare for it. I'm sure I'll leave it all to the last minute like I normally do, but that won't stop me from worrying about what I need to do 24/7. Of course we have money problems. Who doesn't, right? But it depresses the crap outta me, and I don't think there's a damn thing I can do about it, aside from what I'm already doing. I'm not sleeping well. My daughter is waking me up multiple times at night, so when I go to bed, I lay awake just waiting for her to wake up--which she normally does--then I take care of whatever it is she needs and cannot get myself to sleep. What I wouldn't give to be able to put aside my worries, or even completely forget I have them. Sometimes drinking will help me unwind a little bit and not be a comepletely high-strung ball of stress, but I can't even do that right now because I'm trying to do the South Beach diet. And that brings up another whole issue...my weight! Ugh. I guess I'm not fat-fat, but I'm definitely not at the weight I want to be. I'll sit there and stare at how big my legs are, or squeeze the skin under my arms or chin. At least I'm partially motivated at this point to try and do something about it, but sometimes I really wish I could drink all day long and that that would be okay.
It's no secret that I take medication for depression. I need it, and I actually probably need more of it. It just sucks to try medication after medication and have nothing work...or at least not work as well as you want it to. Makes me wonder if there is something out there that would help me, because I've tried several, and yet, here I sit, hating my life. I guess that's a misconception about depression meds...that they make you "happy." It's not true. God, I wish they did, but they don't. For me, they just help to get things evened out, so I don't get quite so low--which unfortunately means that I don't ever feel really happy...I never feel content, or at peace or joyous. Weird word, but whatever, I don't feel it. I just...am.
So yeah, I hate my life. I guess this goes back to what I was saying before, about not liking to put myself out there. It seems like whenever I do, I get hurt. Cliche, I know, whatever. I keep myself closed in and don't reveal all of myself to anyone, not even my husband, because I'm afraid he won't like "the real me," whoever that is. I don't even think God loves, me, if there is one. I have prayed my heart out, asking, begging, pleading for a sign that He loves me, and there's nothing. So I guess I feel like, if there is a God, He definitely doesn't love me, so why would anyone else. And if there isn't, then what the hell is the point of even being here? Why?
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Posted by Zaudie on 2007-08-22 21:22:15 | Rating: | Views: 165
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Life is hard. Anyone who claims otherwise isn't paying attention. But, understand that everything you experience does happen for a purpose. Out of some of the most horrible and disappointing experiences come some of the best. It may be hard to see at the time, but you'll have to trust me. The point is, life isn't about the amazingly wonderful times or the tragically horrible ones. It's about enjoying the average days. The good and bad will come; getting overly anxious about either only makes it difficult to enjoy the other 95%. Our past only shapes our future through self education. You've learned a lot. Accept it and see what's out there waiting for you. A soul doesn't know a grudge.
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Posted by Back2square1
on 2007-08-22 22:19:34
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Hello Zaudie, I have just read your blogs and it is like reading my own diary. I have been diagnosed bio-polar but a lot of people tell me to pull my self together or its my imagination. I really understand what you are talking about and I hope you are ok. Take care only those who are or have gone through depression, can truly understand how hard it is to deal with. Please do take care. love lexus21
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Posted by lexus21
on 2007-08-30 09:05:55
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Another comment I forgot to say earlier is you asked why you are here? Look at your daughter smile at you or when she says 'mummy' Remember she is smiling with you, and YOU are her mummy. You need to stay around for the beautiful girl who will always need you, and love you unconditionally.
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Posted by lexus21
on 2007-08-30 09:11:23
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Another comment I forgot to say earlier is you asked why you are here? Look at your daughter smile at you or when she says 'mummy' Remember she is smiling with you, and YOU are her mummy. You need to stay around for the beautiful girl who will always need you, and love you unconditionally.
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Posted by lexus21
on 2007-08-30 09:11:30
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