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Price will be home tomorrow, finally. ha. It's only been 3 days and I feel like it has been forever. I don't know how I'll handle it when he's gone for 3 weeks, and then 7 months. We've been apart before, and it has been hard. I cried a lot and missed him a lot, worried constantly....but this will be different. We have two kids now who will miss him like crazy. And I'm going to have to be the strong one and try to keep a positive outlook and help them through it. Me? The one who cried so hard when he left the first time I could barely see to drive home? I'm the one that has to comfort my kids, tell them their daddy misses them and that he'll call as soon as he can? How the hell am I going to do that without bursting into tears myself? I'm afraid that the kids will really be deeply affected by this...not so much because their dad is gone, but because I won't be able to step up and be everything they need me to be. I'm going to try, but God....I just don't know how I'll do it.
I went to meet with the caterer yesterday with my sister for her wedding. Her other bridesmaids were able to make it too, which was great for her...not so much for me. They are wonderful girls, so sweet and kind....but they are both literally 6' tall and a size 2. I'm...well, not. Afterward they all decided to go out to dinner, but I had to bow out because my mom was watching my kids and she has issues with that....To be honest, I do too. I have a hard time being away from my kids for too long. I get very anxious and can't enjoy myself.
Anyway, I just felt so out of place at the appointment. They were all there, single, care-free, going out to dinner, laughing, talking, and I'm sure they had a few drinks....I had to plan for days to line up my mom to watch the kids, to make sure they had everything the could ever need, and I couldn't so much as go to dinner. There my sister was with her giant, beautiful ring, her fiancee and friends with her, planning an amazing day--and there I sat, the frumpy, stay-at-home, socially awkward mom.
How did I get here? How did I go from being thin and pretty, having awesome friends in high school, laughing, talking, sharing, going out and having a blast...to being an overweight mom of two with no friends that sits in a rundown "manufactured" house, yelling at our pain-in-the-ass dog, worrying about my husband getting ready to walk around in a desert that's thousands of miles away with rifle in hand, hoping that somehow I find the strength not to cry for 7 straight months? Is this seriously my life? Why the hell am I even here? My kids are pretty amazing...maybe one of them will do something extraordinary with their lives....then I will at least have had some importance, some significance, by being their mom. But right now, I feel like I'm just here. Like the world would be no better or no worse for having me in it. If I died tomorrow, what would people say? "She was a depressed, mediocre mom." I haven't accomplished anything, I'm not good at anything, I'm not passionate about anything...I'm just here.
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Posted by Zaudie on 2008-07-03 01:14:37 | Rating: | Views: 58
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Mum.....the most important job in the world. Just remember you are your kids world. I know how hard those first few years can be, feeling like you have lost yourself, asking yourself "who am I, what the hell do I even like to do"? You get through those times. Then like me, when your youngest starts prep for a while I felt lost, like I was missing my right arm. You move past it, but once they grow up, those years never come back.
*HUGS* to you :)
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Posted by Kaybee
on 2008-07-03 07:31:25
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