"JESUS, SHUT-UP!!!!"

That's what I yelled--no SCREAMED--at my two kids today, and not even two feet from their faces.  Lovely.  I had a rough day.  A sad day.  Chase wouldn't stop with the "Maaaaaammy.  Maaaammy.  Maaaammy." Alyssa was demanding attention.  I was trying to get them both bathed and ready for bed and was overwhelmed.  ABSOLUTELY no excuse.  I can't imagine what must have gone through their little heads when I did that.  Luckily my husband was there and took over.  I went to my room and cried, and haven't really stopped since.

My husband will be leaving tomorrow morning for another four days.  He goes to the field next week, too, for five days.  He has a three day weekend for the 4th, then he's off to 29 Palms for 3 weeks.  After that, he's home for two weeks for pre-deployment leave, He works for another two weeks, and then he's gone for seven months.  I guess it all kind of hit me today, and unfortunately for my kids, hit me right in the middle of their bath. 

It wasn't just that though.  I'm unhappy with my life.  I love my husband and my kids, but I don't have any fun.  I don't have anything that I truly enjoy.  Nothing that makes me really happy.  I'm not a fun mom, I don't do fun things with them, or creative things.  I don't do things with them because it's painfully boring for me.  How selfish is that?  Probably wouldn't be THAT bad, if I could find something we all enjoy. The problem with that is that I have a hard time with new things.  A REALLY hard time.  I feel like no one really likes me.  That they will say to my face they like me, but really, deep down, it isn't true.  I'm "sure" they talk about me behind my back.  I feel like I can't trust anyone or take anything anyone says at face value.  I don't know why.  But it sure makes letting new people in difficult. 

It's not just other people, either.  New situations are tough for me too.  If I take the kids to the park, I feel like I have to be hypervigilant, keeping track of them at all times to keep them safe.  NOT my idea of fun.  I would rather sit at home and do nothing than feel that fear of not being able to find them right away, or be running across the playground wth one child on my hip as I grab the other one just before they fall off the top of the slide.  

I think I'm an incompetent mom.  I don't think I can handle the normal day-to-day stuff that comes with being a mom.  But I have to.  What other option is there?  I HAVE to just do the best that I can, even if that's not nearly good enough.  My poor kids.  Another thing about me--I'm not good with failure.  So failing at THE most important job in the world....yeah, doesn't make me feel so good about myself.  And why should I?  Why on EARTH would I be happy with or proud of who I am?

Anyway, so after thinking about this all night and talking to my husband, I think, like I said before, I need to find something all three of us can enjoy.  But I don't even know what I like anymore.  I know what I dislike, what I'm not comfortable with, and what I really can't stand doing....but I have no clue about what I would really like to do with them.  I even thought about possibly getting a babysitter once in awhile, but what would I do?  Again, I have NO clue what I enjoy.  There's things I don't mind doing, but nothing I'm truly passionate about...nothing I feel proud of myself for doing...nothing I feel I can offer anyone...nothing that really defines who I am...nothing that makes me happy.

There are no simple answers.  I wish I could just think of something like "Oh. Okay, so all I have to do is _______!" and everything would fall into place. But I can't think of one thing that I can do with the kids even tomorrow that would be fun for us, let alone something we could continue to do.  I don't know.  It sucks.  For my family more than anyone.  And for me too.