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Today was tough. I'm not exactly sure what was so hard about it. I mean, I'm a stay-at-home mom, to two of the best kids ever, but for some reason I can't find a way to be happy with that. I could say that today was hard because my uncle just passed and I'll be attending his funeral soon, but that's not entirely true. My Uncle Dave was a great guy...happy, loving, intense at times, but mostly just a guy who always had a smile and a hug for you....or at least he used to. When his skin cancer began to overtake him, he became very depressed and angry...hardly ever smiled. It was an effort to try to "talk" to him. I tried, but it was so hard. He had a tracheotomy, so everything he said or felt was either gestured or written, so I'm sure that he felt like he wasn't understood. I'm sure he felt like it just wasn't fair. I think the thing that angered him the most was that he knew his kids would be without either parent, both taken by cancer. My Aunt Micki lost her battle with breast cancer about 10 years ago. I still remember my cousin Mike standing up at the service, throwing his fists in the air and crying. He wanted so bad to scream out...yell, cry, and release it all. His body wouldn't let him sit quietly while the minister said that it was sad...It was so much more to him. Not just sad. Heartbreaking. I think that's what it was. His heart broke, and he couldn't sit there and internalize it. He did, somehow retain some composure as his dad coaxed him to sit back down. If that affected my uncle even half as much as it affected me...God, he had to be so angry that his kids would have to endure that pain again. He knew it would happen. He tried to keep fighting, but the cancer was just relentless. It deformed his face. He had to have all of his teeth pulled for radiation. He lost so much weight....he was actually down to only 83 lbs at one point. He had most of his tongue removed to try to cut out the cancer. He knew he didn't have much longer, and, more than anything I think, it cut him to the core to KNOW that his kids would lose him too. And he was angry. I don't blame him. So his last few months were spent in physical and emotional torture. What a way to die. I feel gutted even just trying to imagine how he must have been feeling, physically, emotionally...spiritually. I know he was religous, but I don't know if he clung to that in his final days. I don't know if he had anything to hold onto. He died alone. My cousin Scott had flown in that day to visit his dad, but decided to wait until the next to visit him. How tragic is that? Life seems so cruel sometimes. So now it seems like it would be the perfect opportunity to say "Seize the Day! Carpe Diem! Never let another day pass without telling your loved ones how much they mean to you." And yet, here I sit, more depressed than ever, dreading my baby waking up because I just don't want to have to be mom right now. I don't want to have to do anything or be anything. And like I said before, I could say that it was my uncle's passing that made me feel that way, but I know it isn't true. I've been feeling this way for a long time. Maybe it's because I feel like a failure. I don't think I'm a good mom or a good wife. I don't think I'm good at anything I do right now, so I don't do anything. I know I crave positive attention, and I don't get that for what I do here....and if I do, I feel it's forced or just not true, because I know I'm not nearly as good a mom as most others out there. I do feel inadequate, and maybe that's why I'm so depressed. Thank God my husband's in the military, because I don't know how I'd pay for my medication and psych visits otherwise. I do wonder though...I wonder if I was able to find something that I loved doing...something that I was rewarded for when I did a good job...I bet that would pick up my spirits. Sad, isn't it? I'm 27 years old and I need a pat on the head to feel good. And not only that, but it can't come from someone who loves me, because I'll think they're "just saying that." That's my reality though. I think that's why I feel angry a lot of times. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I enjoy or what makes me happy. I'm a mom and a wife, a daughter and a sister. I guess that's what I'm hoping to accomplish here--to figure out who I am, or at least why I'm so angry and sad all the time. I'm good at "letting it fly" and telling people why I'm mad or upset with them, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what makes me happy. So maybe at least if I can figure out what pisses me off, I can try to avoid those situations, or at least learn how to deal with them effectively, and maybe eventually figure out what I do like and what I do want and who I am, instead of just a mom and wife.
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Posted by Zaudie on 2007-08-09 17:16:03 | Rating: | Views: 126
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explore yourself and your interests. try and set up time for yourself tp get out of the house, WITHOUT THE KIDS, and do something.
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Posted by sarah
on 2007-08-09 17:18:26
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