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| Stuck in a Rut with a Butterfly overhead!!Advice? |
Well.
Its been awhile and you know I just havnt been in the mood or had the patience to type...
Despite a bad slipup last night and this morning Im still gonna try hard for the rest of the day to just take things in my stride.Thats even if Ive digested a days worth of food already..The most aggressive thing about purging is that no mater how much you hurt yorself trying you will always digest a certain amount .And that IS hard to bear when you are already in surplus..
It might sound superficial but in fact this stems more from a complicated depth connected to my emotional self.But being about a stone overweight is hard!!To have your thyroid go underactive on you and go from 14.5 BMI to 26 in 14 months is extreme as yall know.
And so I ask a few questions>>>>
a.would you associate with an overweight person and value them the same?
b.do you think its truely possible to be loved even with a bit of extra weight on you?
c.am i seen as lazy and unattractive??
Plz be honest!
Generally Im finding things hard being home.Its so obvious my family dont find me worthy enough of them actively trying to help and show interest and the WORST part is that Ive asked for their support about 3 times in the past week yet have got none or no sign of effort.And THAT makes me feel pathetic in all honesty and I feel alone in my battle.If i was underweight like i had been thered be no question theyd try for me:(Im jst hopeing somehow that Ill find a way o get away from home and maybe move back to Edinburgh,because this place upsets me.
I am however feeling a it more hopeful that I can progress even to the point where Bulimia wont seem as unbearable as what it has been.Because god Ive let myself slip to a ridiculously sinister point with this.
Sometimes I wonder how it came to this?Am i destined to suffer?Or is this the ultimate life challenge for me to conquer so that life from then on will possess a lovely hue....
I truely wish I didnt confuse people like I do.Some times having depth to ones character is hard!Because nothing is taken with a pinch of salt and the mind is left to its own energy-concuming thinking patterns and reflections...I think the worst thing to feel is MISUNDERSTOOD.It re-inforces that sense of loneliness and isolation and leads to procrastination and further self-criticism....and is so goddam frustrating!!!!!
At home I feel SO misunderstood,nobody knows or sees me even when i relaly want them to.Last night I was finishing up a frenzied binge and in comes my mother who begins to empty the dishwasher as I reach for food etc.I ask her could she just leave me alone for a minute whilst I finish up.And you know what???She told me she wnated to empty the dishwasher and she wasnt taking nitice and THAT was bloody shameful and inconsiderate I felt considering I was only asking for a minute of patience.And I sure did get angry.....And then again she was teling me how badly I react etc etc and all I could do was feel upset and frustration and sadness and loneliness.....
These past couple of weeks I have had periods where i have excelled considering the severity of my eating behaviours.And I have still found it hard to triumoh in my success and so asked my parents for their suport and encouragement.And did they offer me some??Hardly!Ad I find it just so deflating because recovery needs support.Im loosing the battle against myself because I only have one soldier fighting for me(aka ME!)AND THAT SOLDIER IS BATTERED AND WORN...
Ive even tried putting a charioty ad up on Edinburghs Gumtree hopeing smebody would be willing to take me in!i know-DESPERATE times do indeed call for desperate measures!!!
Hmm.....
What to do?Where to go?What options do I have?None?Goals?Wants?Support?I DONT KNOW SEE ANYTHING..I want to see but Im in the most major of ruts ever!!!!
More soon.
Yvonne
xxxxxx
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