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this day is just for me..

Hey.. I didnt go to school today..
though I did prepare this morning but I felt really stressed thats why I decided to
stay at home for today.. I slept for hours.. and I watched the movies I want to watch..
I felt great... though my head is still in school.. I'm thinking.. oh! I gotta do this.. I gotta do that..
I need to talk to this person! blah blah blah! and I tried to read my book.. I read for like only one chapter..

I just started to study japala now... and I really want to stop school.. or just drop japala..
because its driving me INSANE!!!!!!

I hate it..
I was thinking a while ago.. that if sensei will say something that will truly hurt my feelings..
I wouldnt let myself be stepped on! and I'll also drop the course..
I'm not afraid of anything..
I was afraid that I wouldnt be rich.. or something like that..
but I realized its not important.. I just need few peso in my pocket..
live a simple life.. simple job.. or even a simple husband.. though I really still dont think about
marriage.. haha.. or even having a boyfriend.. being single is great! if I'll have no husband..
I'll adopt a child.. or something..
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.. i know what youre thinking..
how can you be happy if youre poor? I'm not going to be poor! ok?
and being poor doesnt mean you'll feel youre life is... uhm.. empty?
I'm tired of being the "LOSER" uh.. wait.. thats too harsh..
uhm.. uh.. the "SLOW" or "brainless" one when it comes to japala..
duh? I just started! for like 2 weeks ago??? yeah.. its not everyone's fault..
its mine? of course not.. dammit! they were sure of what course they want to take..
and I wasnt.. though I like the course.. still.. I'm new.. unlike them..
they were studying japanese for like years..and though I have the blood of japanese..
I wasnt exposed to its culture..

I'm tired.... I'm tired of being the one people laugh at.. no.. they dont mean to hurt me..
its like.. they find it cute..? or something like that...
I dont know if my friends really cares for me..

I dont know if they are the "forever"
type of friends...
I'm super emo!!! haha.. no I'm not.. ewww...this how I feel..
I'm actually always laughing or smiling in school..
but I cant hide this feelings anymore.. though I'm still hiding it..
hahaa... XD if writing.. is the only way to make me feel good.. I'm up for it..
I'm actually sometimes telling Nao or Fatima.. my feelings..
but I think.. they think that I'm an emo or something..
I think I'm too fast about opening up to them..
and I promise.. I wont.. I wont tell them my feelings.. anymore..
especially Nao.. because in DLSU she's the one whom I really tell what I think
or what I feel.. I wont ever.. I dont want to sound emo again..
I dont want to be judge again.. cause they might think something that will really offend me..
even if they dont mean it.. or even if they dont think about me of something bad..
but still.. I'll keep everything on my own... from now on..
even to my best friends.. especially Timbz..
though I'll still tell them secrets.. but about my drama? I dont think so..
I wont trust anyone anymore.. because people have their own minds..
I dont want to worry about people think about negative things about me..
because sometimes I cant sleep.. just because of that...
My mom's right.. the only people I really got.. is my family..
people come and go.. even friends.. thats the sad fact..

anyway.. I dont want to waste anymore time..
I'll study japala.. and if it doesnt work out?
I dont care.. but as long as I breathe.. I'll do my best
and I'll still try..
I'm not afraid.. of anything.. and I shouldnt..
I wish I realized that years ago..
I wont care about the people's words.. their thank you's their I love you's..
because its not real.

til here..
-Yushi