So I have three moms.
Each one is different in their own way but all have something in common: it's hard for me to love them. In fact I am not sure if I love them.

My birthmom , Ann, was 21 when she had me and my twin sister. She and my father divorced when I was 4 and my father recieved full custody of us. (I hear two sides to why they got divorced, that will be for another day.) She went to North Carolina and we went to Texas. 

Around the age of 5, my twin and I got to go vist her for 2 weeks during the summer. Ann had been remarried to a very nasty man in the military. He beat the hell out of her and not to mention me and my twin sister. Despite the beatings I was in bliss, I was with my Momma!

Before I knew it 2 weeks turned into 3, then 4, then into months. My sister and I were so happy that we got to start school in North Carolina. I hadn't heard from my dad in weeks but I didn't care because I was with Momma.

Then one day the door busted open to the classroom and it was Ann's new husband he just grabbed us and threw us into the back seat. My mom was in the front seat crying, I kept asking why she was sad and she said nothing.

A few hours later we arrived to a courthouse. I was taken to the judges chamber and forced to answer horrible questions about Ann and my birthdad. Next thing I know I was on a flight back to Texas. Ann had "kidnapped" us and was being charged of kidnapping.


Then my dad remarried when I was 7. For the next few years I hardly heard from Ann. She called about once every couple of months. And everytime I answered the phone, I almost burst into tears of joy. I loved her so much and she loved me back. She told me how much she missed me, she called me her baby, and she told promises she never kept.

Every birthday and soccer game, I would look over my shoulder to see if she would be there like she promised. And like every year before she never showed up.

I got to see her when I was 9 years old. She came down with a new husband named John. She stayed at a hotel for a few days and took us to get pizza and play at the park. Despite the empty promsises I was still so happy to see her. On the last night with her, I remember crying so hard because I ddin't want her to go. She gave me a picture of me and her as a parting gift.

That night and for the next few months I slept with the shirt I had worn on our last night together. She smelled so good, like a mom should. Warm, sweet, and soft. Every night I kissed her picture goodnight. 

She was like a drug, one hit of her love and I wanted more and more. They say you always want what you can't have, right?

Every girl looks forward toward their 12th birthday. It's the big one! I knew that I would be so much more mature and pretty, haha. I got a card from Ann, inside it said Happy 11th Birthday. 

I heard less and less from her as I got older. When I was 13 my dad wanted my step mom to adopt me. The papers went out.

Weeks later I got the worst phone call ever. Ann was hysterical, screaming and sobbing into the phone. She kept saying that it wasn't right and that she was my Momma and no one else. After three hours of emotional rollercoasters I finally said the magic words. "Please sign the papers." I was a zombie. I had to say it, my new step mom was pure evil. I didn't want to say it. It hurt so bad and it hurt to hear Ann collapse with pain. 

That was the last night I heard from her...
I grew up without her. 
She was just a memory and nothing else. 
I went through first bras, periods, boys, driving lessions, proms, homecoming queen ceremonies, college acceptance...

9 years without her voice
13 years without her face


Two years ago at the age of 22 I got a phone call...




I will write the rest tomorrow...
Goodnight all! :)