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I finally meet my mother

So I continue to make sense of all this mess. In case you didn't hear I have three mom's and not sure if I like them as much as I should. My last blog was about me and growing up with my birth mom... or lack of is a better phrase. So I continue with my story of mom number 1.

So I was 22 I had been working and going to school since I was 18. I went through a whole lot of shiat. Things that I will get into later.

At this point I had been with my boyfriend for over 2 years (we have been together now 4 1/2 now), he has always been a great person I could run to and tell him my thoughts and fears and what not. So one night I just broke down. I mean really broke down. School was horrible, work was tough, and even then I was beating myself up over my weight. So many things in my life were all scattered, nothing made sense.

So I broke down. Sobbing, you know the ugly kind. Snot running down your face, tears going down your neck, the whole nine yards. I was never a pretty crier...you know how some chicks can pull it off? I can't. Yikes.

Anywho, I was crying telling my boyfriend that I had this sudden urge to look my birth mother up. I wanted to find her. I hadn't seen or heard from her in years and it was all my fault. I banished her and now I wanted her back more than ever.

I grew up without a mother, my second mother hated me. Nothing ever filled my void. I needed to find her. So after long discussion I got online and googled her name. I didn't even know how to spell her maiden name. She had been remarried and I didn't know her new last name. All I had was the city she last lived in and her name.

I remember I typed in her name into google. I waited as the computer loaded it's findings. It felt like a lifetime. My boyfriend sat there next to me holding my hand. He knew this was a big deal for me. I found some matches to websites that for money could find someone. I found one with her name and her parents name. With names like Mack and Prissy, I knew it had to be them.

My boyfriend waited for my reaction. I sat there staring at the names. All I had to do was to pay 30 bucks to get their contact info. My boyfriend quickly grabbed his credit card and was ready to punch in numbers. But I hesitated. Could it be this easy? Years of wondering what ever happened to her and in one search I found her. 30 bucks could buy me answers and perhaps happiness?

Then I thought...if I could find her so easy with a misspelled last maiden name, she could find me. She had everything on me. Including my social security number.

I chose to wait. Something inside of me was holding back. My boyfriend said that I should sleep on it if I was unsure. So I did.

Two days past and I was at work. I was sitting at my desk chit chatting with the girls in the office. Then the receptionist called me and said my landlord was on the line for me. I got nervous. Had my check bounced again? I was living pay check to pay check and cringed at the fact that my landlord called me at work. She never did this before, it must be bad.

I answered. Here is how the convo went:

"Yourstruly?"
"Hi Sarah, is everything ok?"
"Well everything is fine...but I have something to tell you."
She was very quick to say this, I gripped the phone tighter thinking oh gosh I am about to get evicted.
"Yourstruly, some man came by today looking for you."
I gulped, crap. What did my sister do.
"He said that your birth mom has been looking for you."
I gasped so loud that all of my co-workers jumped up and came over to my desk. I don't know what I said after that. I just started to cry. I think Kacy took the phone from my hands and hung it up for me. I sat there sobbing and Kacy and the other girls stared at me, amazed.

Just moments before I was telling Kacy and my friends that I had googled my birth mom.

Once the sobbing stopped. I was shaking and had Kacy dial my boyfriend. I told him and he started to cry. I thought maybe he had paid that site to find her, but he promised he hadn't.

What a sign! A blessing! God does answer prayers! I was terrified! So many thoughts going through my head. Once I calmed down I called Sarah back. I asked her for the information that this man had left her.

I called the phone of this mystery man. He was a private investigator that Ann had hired to find me. He had a thick North Carolina accent and told me, "Young lady, your momma has been looking for you, would you like to talk to her?"

My draw dropped and I sat there. I could barely respond...I finally said yes. He gave me her home number. Then I asked him how he found me and he said that was his job and that was the last I heard from him.

I was at work, still at my desk. Tear stained and hoarse from crying. I picked up the phone and dialed my birth mom's number.

With each ring, I wanted to hang up and cry. It felt like a lifetime. With each ring I thought about how she was my mommy and how I broke her heart years before. How I kept her shirt under my bed for months and cried myself to sleep over her.

Then out of silence
"Hello?" said a small busy voice with a thick and Carolina accent.
"Hi...it’s me...Yourstruly..."

She paused for a moment and sounded confused.
"Wha...what? Yourstruly? Yourstruly who?"

My stomach turned several times. Oh God I thought. What in the world am I doing? This is stupid she doesn't know me. I didn't know how to respond. How weird to tell my birth mom my last name.

She gasped. And then said the sweetest words I had ever heard. "MY Yourstruly? MYY Yourstruly Marie?"

"Yes."

Then I heard her collapse the way she did years before when I told her to sign her rights over as a parent. But this time I could tell there was relief. No pain this time, just pure bliss.

Ok off to bed now. I have class all day tomorrow. Goodnight, I will continue later.