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To my parents (who will never read this)

I'm not gonna say I want to die (even if I do) because people are just going to say how it could be so much worse. I may feel bad for those people who are going through worse than me, but whenever someone says it could be worse, I want to hit them so bad. And you know, sometimes I do really think about hitting them, but I don't, because I have to be the sweetest, nicest, not angry child I have always been taught to be.
I'm tired of all of this pretending. I'm tiredof not being able to say or do what I want and having to write it all down in a notebook that I'll eventually have to bury or burn. I'm just sick of it! I HATE MYSELF! I hate the way I think, I hate the way I look, I hate the way that I can't not dissappoint people. And I try so hard, but I just can't! It's never enough for you people. Nothing I do ever is. People always expect more and I really try, but I can't try anymore! I can't do anymore than I've already done.
The only way I've ever been able to show how i feel is through the way I dress. All black, all the time. I always feel more comfortable in dark clothes, but now you want to make me change that too? You're gonna take that away from me? You already took away my razor and I can't show anyone how I really feel and now your gonna take my clothes away? It's the only thing that's really me and now it's GONE.
It's funny, because all you said was that you don't want me wearing anymore black as a suggestion but I know you really mean that you hate the way I dress. You want me to act like society's definition of normal ,but I'm not. I'm pretty sure I'm not normal. I don't think it's normal to have to do everything I do for you people. I probably sound really depressed right now don't I? I have a really twisted sense of humor. ^^
Another thing that I think is funny is that I'm gonna go to school tomorrow and act like there's nothing wrong. Because I have to be strong for my "friends" who are too weak to take care of themselves. Plus, I don't want people to start caring and talking to me about how I feel about stuff because that would disappoint you, which is something I can't do. But still, I wonder what would happen if I just died....

Posted by XxBloodyRosexX on 2009-11-01 19:39:15 | Rating:

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It is so hard to live up to other people's expectations. Alot of times parents and other adults mean well, but it leaves you feeling low or not good enough. I know. I lived that way for years.

In high school, Hamlet was one of my favorite books. My favorite quote was " To thine own self be true." Discover who you are and be true to yourself. Normal or not, be true to yourself. Do what you know is right. Follow your purpose.

As a christian, I believe God has made each of us unique, with a special purpose. Use this time to discover who you are, what your purpose is, and be the person that you want to be. Your parents will try to guide you, and that is good, because they have traveled this road long before. Listen to their advise, but follow your heart.

If you need to talk to someone, then do. There are lots of people here who are really supportive and will help you if you just ask.

Hope that things get better for you. Just remember, we all go through this at some point or another. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and this is just one of those tests that we all go through in some way shape or form. Stay positive and become the person you want to be.

Hope this helped.

Posted by Hope_Springs_Eternal on 2009-11-01 19:58:11

I am not your parents but I can hear your screams. I remember when people told me "It could be worse" and "You should just be happy" It sucked. But I wont tell you that because right now you are in pain. You are hurting and yeah it could be worse, but that doesnt change what you are going through.
And no one can "Just be happy" Happiness is one very difficult to feel at times. People take it forgranted far to often.

When people told me to "Just be happy" I felt like punching them too, in fact I did punch a couple of people. It didnt change anything and I still felt extremely angry. Angry at myself, which is why I started hating myself and wearing black. I hated myself so much I tried to end my life.

My mom thought that the 'wearing black' was a phase and didnt know I was in pain. When she found out, she was hurting almost as much as I was or at least it felt that way.

I am not your parents, I am not you but the day my parents found out about what I was feeling, was one of the days that gave me strength.

Like I said, I am not you but I have been in many situations like you. Once apond a time I chose to die, it was the biggest mistake ever. Now I choose live. Now I choose to fight.

If you ever need to talk to me, you can. You can ask me anything and I will try to help. And when I say, if you ever need to talk to anyone, I am not just saying that to be kind. I know you dont know me but if you need someone that will just listen or try to help, just let me know.

Best of luck,
*Miss Nightmare*

Posted by MissNightmare on 2009-11-01 20:45:07