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| The Year from Hell Tinged with Hope. . .
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One year ago today, 10/6, my cousins' son got married. (I wrote briefly about this in 'Some of it's Magic - Some of it's Tragic'.) I arranged the flowers for his wedding,
On 10/7 it will be one month since my Aunt passed away. I arranged the flowers for her funeral.
On 10/8 it will be one year since my nephew, Tony passed away. (Again, the subject of 'Magic-Tragic) I arranged the flowers for his memorial service.
It seems I've measured this past year by the flowers I've arranged. (In June my Great Uncle passed away and I arranged flowers for his service too.)
My Uncle was 87 and in failing health. We knew it was a matter of time.
My Aunt was 81 and went into the hospital for a hernia operation she should have recovered from but didn't. She went from recovering nicely to the ICU in no time flat. It was a shock and we weren't prepared for it. There is consolation and comfort that she didn't suffer from a long drawn out illness and at 81 she had lived a long and wonderful life. She would tell you that herself.
My nephew, Tony, was 20 years old and took his own life for reasons I will never completely understand. He left no note. He quietly went away and ended his life on a warm, sunny, autumn morning that should have filled his young life with promise, not despair.
For reasons unknown to me (and so many others) October 8, 2007 held no hope for him. It had not one redeeming quality to offer him. Nothing to make him say to himself - "Tomorrow will be better. Just make it through today and see what tomorrow brings."
I console myself with the notion that if he was tortured by something, so much so that he chose to end his life, then he must certainly be at peace now. (I have to believe this to keep from going off the deep end.)
I helped to raise Tony from the time he was a baby. The shock, pain, agony, and anguish his death brought is tantamount to losing one of my own.
I don't believe you ever get over losing someone to suicide. I believe you simply teach yourself to go on living after accepting that nothing will ever look or feel the same again. You see things through a different pair of eyes. The rose colored glasses come off, for the last time.
The wounds run deep. Healing is a long, slow, painful process that involves so many people and is multi-faceted in and of itself.
There is a ton of blame, guilt, sorrow, sadness, and helplessness to wade through. With no roadmap to show you which way to go, you simply have to 'feel' your way. Some days, inch by agonizing inch. Some days you stand still in time. Some days you backslide.
It's imperative to set goals. Nothing tricky, mind you. Just write it down so you can revel in the act of 'crossing it off your list'. If all you aspire to do in a day is get up the energy to take a shower, so be it. Write it on a list. Try to accomplish it. Then cross it off and give yourself a mental high-five for reaching your goal.
Be kind and patient with yourself. It's important. You're going through enough mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Any progress is worthy of a celebration.
I guess these things I've learned the hard way - surviving this past year, if you want to call it that, can be applied to just about anything, really.
Surviving death under the best of circumstances is difficult. More so if it's tragic, sudden, or worse - both.
The best advice I can give anyone trying to survive it is to be easy on yourself. Time will heal it. Patience is key.
To anyone who contemplates taking their own life. Please don't. There is hope. There are people who love you even if you can't see it through your despair. Hang on one more day. It can and will make a difference. There is a way out. There are people and places you can turn to who will help you weave your way though whatever maze of pain, heartache, and trouble that has gotten you down.
Think of the people whose lives will be ruined if you make the choice to ruin your own. Let them help you through your hurt instead of hurting them with your absence from their lives.
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Posted by Xaris on 2008-10-06 22:50:43 | Rating: | Views: 45
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My heart goes out to you... Yes, it's sad when people take their lives and leave loved ones behind. I have a cousin who also took his life and left uncle and auntie in great tears. He was the eldest son and one day, he took a rope and hang himself. He was brokenhearted that time and he couldn't stand his pain any longer. It came out as a shock to all of us - and a great loss indeed. There were many 'if onlys' running in our mind that that time: if only we have paid more attention to his silence, if only we have done this and that. Now, it's too late. He's gone. Yes, it is really a must to show our love to people openly - let them know they are important to us. A smile, a hug, a note would go a long way...
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Posted by livinglife
on 2008-10-06 23:10:46
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Thank you for taking the time to read this and comment on it. If, by writing this, I help one person to deal with similar circumstances or change one persons mind about harming themselves, it would be SO worth it. Someone once told me (and for the record he was right) shared pain spreads thinner. Like you said the 'what ifs' are the worst. You can drive yourself crazy with the wondering. Life is too short....we really must learn to live each day as if it might be the last....if not for us, for someone we know and love. Too often it is....and living with regret...isn't really living. I hope your cousin found the peace he was so desperately seeking. I hope your Aunt and Uncle have learned to stop blaming themselves. I wish you all contentment. God Bless :o)
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Posted by Xaris
on 2008-10-07 00:16:52
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"Think of the people whose lives will be ruined if you make the choice to ruin your own. Let them help you through your hurt instead of hurting them with your absence from their lives. "
What if no one will help? What if everyone thinks - because I'm "the strong one"...the one everyone else relies on when they need help - I can handle this? I can't, and no one will help me and no one will listen to me. I'm at the end of my rope, but no one seems to see that I'm serious - I'M the one who needs help, I'm ASKING for help...but to no avail.
I do think about those who will be left behind. I just wish more people would think about me.
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Posted by allbymyself
on 2008-10-08 09:05:54
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For what it's worth I'll listen. I don't know that I can do anything more than that since I don't really know you and I'm not physically 'there' but if you want to rant and talk and unload you can always write to me. I can maybe help you figure out how to get those close to you to listen. Maybe I can help you figure who you could turn to....or where. I'm willing to try, to help if I can, to listen in as much as I can here in this medium. Today it is one year since I lost Tony. I don't know anyone I dislike enough to wish the kind of pain losing him has caused me to feel. I'm willing to bet you are very important to the people in your life. Unfortunately people don't always 'see' or 'hear' what's right in front of them. I'll try to help you find a way to tell them so they will hear AND listen to your concerns and understand the pain you're in. Hang in there. Things will get better. If you want someone to talk to let me know and I'll give you an email address to contact me at. Please.....consider what I'm saying. Take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, 5 minutes at a time.....whatever it takes to keep you going. :o)
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Posted by Xaris
on 2008-10-08 22:00:23
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