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Olympics for the Vertically Challenged (Lazy)

Number of times I told the mancub
to put the dishes away yesterday = 7
(No - this is not a plug for MasterCard
and there is nothing priceless about it.)

I ask myself - So why are they still sitting in the dish drain?

Does this mean I wasted my breath or should I look on the bright side and just consider it an exercise regime to improve lung capacity?

Hey - I know, maybe the ‘powers that be’ will make lung capacity an Olympic Sport!!!!! Seems they’ll consider just about anything as a ‘competitive sport’ these days.

In the next summer Olympics I wouldn’t be surprised to see ‘Bic Flicking’ between nations. Yeah - who can flick faster, longer, and sustain the highest flame while walk/running, trampolining, and playing table tennis. You don’t need 2 hands while competing in the aforementioned sports anyway. Might as well put both to good use and eek out another category to garner a gold in. You probably wouldn’t have to worry about ‘doping’ while competing in Bic Flicking. You would, however, have to make very sure the competitors were 16 - we wouldn’t want any underage kiddies playing with fire. Someone could get burned!!!

Yes, you do detect a wee note of sarcasm.

I’m not ashamed to say I am SO glad they’re over. I found them to be tedious - bordering on the ridiculous. In all fairness though my TV was on 24/7 because my kids are obsessed with all things sports. The only one more relieved than me is the TV. I swore I heard an audible sigh of relief from it during the closing ceremonies. It also needs a vacation from that rat race. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Rat racing?!?!?? An Olympic event?!? Chinese rats versus American ones? Nah-we wouldn’t stand a chance! Their government would press the rats into service, train them 24/7 for the next 4 years, falsify passports for the under-aged, and threaten a life of lo’ mein - if they don’t win. Chop Fooey :o(

I wonder - are Bic’s made in China?!?!

Potential Olympic Events -

Olympic TV Watching (Reruns included) - HA! My kids would take the gold, silver, and bronze. China wouldn’t stand a snowball’s chance in HELL against that group. I can see them now on the cover of the TV Guide - flowers in hand and Medals around their necks, eyes bloodshot, and in desperate need of showers after sweeping 3 sets of marathon TV watching by 2 hours per set.
*Sniff* I’m all choked up - I’ve never been more proud!

Olympic Snacking (while couch sitting) - This event would be tandem with the TV Watching. It could support team and individual competitors. Again - a clean sweep by the Americans. My little Americans! Six more medals for our team. YAY!!!!! I challenge a team or individual out there to out-do my kids at the thing THEY do best. Bring it on!!!!…..but bring your own snacks. :o)

Olympic Laying Down (while remaining awake) - This can include reading (HA!) Mp3 playing, and Wii Fit (Rolling on the floor laughing here because I’ve witnessed this very event) and pretending to sleep without ever achieving REM status - in order to qualify.

Olympic Sleeping/Napping - The competitor must be certified comatose for 9/10ths of each hour in order to qualify and not form bed sores during competition (Bah! Bed sores are for amateurs) A time of 10/10ths garners extra points. (C’mon MY team - you can do it. I’ve seen ya!)

Olympic Bickering - Must include one or more competitors - arguing out loud with ones self does not qualify as bickering (daughter #3 would spend most of her time arguing that point with the judges or herself if they stopped listening). 2 or more distinct voices must be ‘duly noted’ - no imitations/mimicking - no exceptions!

Olympic Movie Watching (so not the same as TV watching) - Endless replays of ‘It’s my favorite movie of all time’. Accompanied by a chorus of ‘I can’t get enough of it - isn’t he just dreamy’!!!!…..replays until the DVD skips because it’s slightly warped on the way to being melted from the number of RPM’s in the DVD player!

Olympic Sports Watching - Back to Back replays of every Phillie’s game that ever went into extra innings looped for your viewing pleasure. This might include any/every sports blooper video ever made and the entire Super Bowl Series on DVD that some idiot gave the mancub for Christmas thinking it would be ‘a good idea’!

Whoever said my kids are not Olympic Medal Material would be sheepishly eating crow if we could get just one of these events in the 2012 games!!!

If we could get them all certified as Olympic events - poor Michael Phelps would only have a short reign as the all time Olympic Gold Medal winner. My kids would cook his goose and (figuratively) mop the floor with him.

Fortunately for him, I don’t see the Olympic Committee approving even one event now that word has gotten out I have single-handedly been training 4 emminently qualified competitors for 22, 20, 17, and 15 years respectively.

But just think of the potential Endorsements!!!!!!

The makers of sofas, sleepwear, beds/bedding, soda, potato chips, DVDs et al would be lining up around the block to sign my kids. (Yes, I’m humming ‘We’re in the Money’ as I write this)

Alas, my little Olympiads will not grace the cover of TV Guide, the tag on a new pair of flip flops, or a box of Lucky Charms - yet!!!!!

But just you wait. At the rate society is going 'speed eating' will replace 'speed skating' one of these days and then the world will be my kids' oyster. Until then…….

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To all the American athletes
who won loud and proud at the 2008 Olympics - Nice Work!

Hey. . . .I just came up with another one-
Olympic Sarcasm?!??!