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| If Only Heaven Would Wait
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Sometimes life events take my breath away and other times they take my words away. An event so heartbreaking (on a personal level) it robs me of the ability to find the right words to describe how I feel. Maybe it's a survival mechanism to keep me from cracking into a million pieces like a windshield which doesn't appear to be fragile but can shatter from an erstwhile stone thrown from the wheels of a passing car. Sudden Impact! The web of cracks begins where the stone hits and radiates outward in concentric circles. Shot Through The Heart! Concentric rings of pain spiraling outward towards the surface for all the world to see. Powerless to hide it because the pain is far too acute.
The death of a loved one. A constant presence in my life since the day I was born. Here one moment and gone without warning the next.
She was the 'favorite' Aunt. The 'fun' Aunt. The 'funny' Aunt. The 'outrageous' Aunt. The one whose house everyone gathered at. She was the quintessential 'Hostess with the Mostest'! Everyone wanted to go to her house; no one ever wanted to leave.
She had more aliases than Pretty Boy Floyd. Ange, Angie, Gigi, Boo, and Angelina, among others.
She had more advice than aliases.
I've shed more tears than she had either.
I'm only one person who has less reason to be devastated than many others.
She had one husband (that we know of -but if anyone could juggle two it would be her)
She had two partners-in-crime (uh sisters) (and she was the ringleader - ahem, I mean oldest)
She had three children (two passed away shortly after birth)
She had seven grandchildren (and was the center of their universe - they called her Boo)
She had seven nieces and nephews (and we called her Gigi)
She had 3+ million friends (and she made each feel like family)
A simple operation gone bad took her away from us.
We knew she was going into the hospital.
We expected her to come back out.
I took the time to visit her in the weeks before she went in.
I made her dinner.
I sent her cards.
I cut flowers and took gifts.
I sat and talked with her.
I sat and listened to her.
I can honestly say I have no regrets.
What I do have is the realization that life will never look the same again.
That's not a bad thing - it's not a good thing.
It is what it is.
Reality.
In pinochle, when in doubt lead with a queen.
In life, when in doubt lead with a heart - your own.
I did and it's made all the difference.
I think I can see the forest and the trees.
My tears are mine. They belong to my selfish self. The self who wants her back, not because it's best for her but because it's best for me. When my heart aches my resolve breaks.
When I think of where she was (on earth) and where she is (in heaven) it's easy to rejoice for her. Of course I want her to be well, whole, healthy, happy, and eternally at peace. Of course I want her here. Not just for me but for all the other people in her life who are grief stricken and devastated at her passing.
I had such a difficult time watching her children (my cousins) and her grandchildren come to the realization that she had passed the point of no return. The pain in their eyes and the ache in their hearts was palpable. If I licked my own lips it was as if I could taste a hint of the salt from their tears mingle with my own.
Even more agonizing was watching them as they watched her slowly slip away.
There's a lesson in this somewhere and I think it all depends on what we each need to learn at a given point in time.
I tried to make the most of the time I had with my Aunt. Maybe not always but certainly in the last few weeks when I knew her health was questionable. I treated each time I was with her like it might be the last. I went to see her when I had the urge to. I didn't need a reason or wait for an invitation.
In order to honor her memory I have to take the things I learned from this and apply them to my everyday life. To be a bit kinder for no reason. To go see the people who matter to me for any reason. To treat people as though I might not see them again - because sometimes I might not. To remember that life isn't fair to the living but no one ever promised it would be.
The world is missing a great lady with my Aunt's passing.
Heaven - just hit the Jackpot!
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Posted by Xaris on 2008-09-09 21:34:18 | Rating: | Views: 53
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Your Aunt sounds like an amazing woman and I am so sorry for your loss. What a great way to honor her memory....I am sure you make her proud!
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Posted by slowtolearn
on 2008-09-10 08:26:43
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Thank you for the kind words. Gigi was God's gift to us - a local treasure. She was the kind of lady who needed no introduction - and if she did she'd give it herself :o) She was just plain 'fun' with an amazing sense of humor. She laughed like she lived - from the heart. It was nice to find your comment and I appreciate you taking the time to write. I feel better thinking she might be proud of me. I needed that today :o)
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Posted by Xaris
on 2008-09-10 09:30:20
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